What to do next

[Getmylifeback]

Ok so I’m (detail removed by moderator) months out, things had started to settle down however he still insists in popping into see the kids once or twice a week on top of the (detail removed by moderator) days a week he has (no overnights at present as kids don’t want to stay).

Last night’s popping in went on and when it got to nearly an hour and was (detail removed by moderator)pm and I wanted to settle down in my pjs and watch a movie with the kids. He asked if I wanted him to leave and I told him it was weird him being there and i wanted to relax. My daughter was sat with us and didn’t react but he went off like a red rag to a bull saying I am making it difficult and have now started war as I’m stopping him seeing the kids.

I’ve offered him am extra day but he said he can’t make fixed days because of his work and as u f*&ked off I have to work round his schedule and he will see the kids she ihe wants.

He has hired several times about going for custody, sometimes full and sometimes 50-50 so i darrnt push him to much as ive read horror stories on here about courts giving them the custody.

He’s recently been in rehab to come off alcohol, (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator) but has told everyone including his GP that if was for (detail removed by moderator) only which were prescribed (but he became addicted and took 3 times daily dose). He is self employed but generally starts work at (detail removed by moderator) and finishes anywhere between (detail removed by moderator).

I have always been primary caregiver. Always arranged childcare, hobbies, kids homework, all hospital , dental, optician appts etc around my work. Pushed for (detail removed by moderator) assistance at school and finally got (detail removed by moderator) diagnosis. Always me that took time off when kids ill etc.

I currently rent a nice house but will buy once finances sorted with husband.

On record that I’ve been to see a DA police officer who did a risk assessment but said behaviour was quite boyish and he didn’t perceive it as a threat as such.

What would chances be realistically of him getting custody? This is what’s holding me back pushing no contact and stopping him coming to the house.

Tried to ring WA but can never get through.

[KIP.]

The best thing you can do is gather facts. Speak to a family solicitor. Most offer free initial advice, and get women’s aid on board. Keep a journal of his behaviour and his threats. If he was going for custody and thought he had a realistic chance he would have don’t it by now. It suits him far more to use the kids as a way to gain access to you. There have been May success stories on here. The advice given was to refuse access because of his threatening behaviour then wait for him to go to courts for a contact order. At that point, if he can be bothered, you can state your case and evidence and if need be ask for supervised visits to begin with maybe at a contact centre. Allowing him into your home is dangerous for you all. It’s all about him keeping control. What you are offering is fair for the children. But seeing them in your home won’t work. It’s something he can dictate. He wants you tied to the home for when he decides to visit. It’s delusional nonsense and don’t be sucked into his mind games. The advice on here is always to get a legally binding court order for access, otherwise it’s a lifetime of bending to his rules till you break. It’s frightening standing up to a bully so gather evidence and support. Don’t wait for something really bad to happen. He’s scaring you in your own home and that’s not acceptable. A taste of things to come. If his kids were his priority I’m quite sure he could arrange his work to see them, I know I would x

[Getmylifeback]

I have seen solicitor but the advice was to use court order as a last resort.

The kids want to see him, more so my son who is now flavour of the month whereas before it was my daughter who was. I think it’s cause he knows she’s a mummy girl and although son is he could perhaps be swayed. Not sure if at (detail removed by moderator) he would have the choice or not yet?

Can voice recordings be used as evidence, I literally have about 40 minimum with threatening behaviour. He’ll never implicate himself on a text etc. But I’ve read as I don’t have his permission they can’t be used and I forgot to ask solicitor this.

[diymum@1]

what you could do is write down what hes said that way its documented and also backed up as its his voice great evidence. kids voices are given weight depending on maturity so a more mature 9 year old will carry weight but usually its 10-12 xx the kids can still see him at a contact centre thats reasonable. court is the last option in normal non abusive situations. in an abusive one this is the only way to stop him in his tracks. him coming to the house will eventually escalate matters xx i did this i had to call the police in the end xx

[KIP.]

Remember children don’t recognise the harm he can do them. Children don’t have an understanding of danger. That’s where you as a parent need to protect them. Would you let them pet a tiger? Kids love their dads even when their dads are using them and hurting them. Just like we loved the man who hurt and tried to destroy us. If he wasn’t their dad. Would you allow this man access to them? Don’t make the mistake of thinking his feelings are your feelings x

[Getmylifeback]

Thanks everyone.

After losing his marbles again (detail removed by moderator) in front of the kids I’ve ironed it out  (detail removed by moderator) and told him I’m not taking anymore of his s**t and if he can’t shut his mouth Infront of the kids ill be handing over at doorstep, not answering phone after 9pm of before 8am and if he turns up at night banging on the door which he keeps threatening to do I’ll just call the police (that bit went down extremely well!) So well see if it sinks in this time!!

If not I’ll go no contact.

I’m documenting evidence too.

My son was ill (detail removed by moderator) and asked his dad to bring him home to me and the b@stard told him I was busy so he couldnt. I told my son (detail removed by moderator) if his dad had rang I’d have picked him up, I was really angry. He took him out for dinner and he was burning up, was sick and went straight to bed at 6.30 when he brought him home then was saying in front of him how he’d had to drag him out when he was so poorly to bring him back to me, poor kid, etc. I was livid.

[KIP.]

Using the kids to get a reaction from you is what they do. You’ve set your boundaries now so please stick to them and follow through when he inevitably breaks them. Stay safe x don’t want to sound negative but in his mind you’ve ironed nothing out. You might as well have talked to a brick wall x

[Getmylifeback]

I’ve gone past the feeling guilty stage, I’m now really angry! I am determined to stick to what I’ve said any any deviation will leave him on the doorstep.

A family member is a solicitor and one of her friends specialises in family law so she’s agreed to give me a free consultation over the phone this week to discuss custody etc.

[KIP.]

Well done. Anger is good. Things get done when we are angry. However our anger provokes them and their nasty behaviour. I once read that abusers don’t have a problem with their anger they have a problem with ours. He has shown you his true colours, believe him x he’s already shown you how he behaves. Or misbehaves. Why give him the chance to do it again. Which he will x no more coming to your home. Full stop. Ring the police if he does x

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