What will it take to make me leave

[Needtomoveon]

I’ve been with my husband for neart (detail removed by Moderator) years and I now see that he’s been emotionally abusive and physical since the start of our marriage. He’s cheated on me, hit me, is really nasty if me or the children’push his buttons’, swears, uses vile language ion purpose because he know I hate it, drinks too much every night. I feel sure his behaviour has aakir contribution to both our daughters mental health problems and makes my son very anxious. He’s a successful business man, sounds like a different man when he’s talking to customers. Can be vile and sneering with me and switch when with others instantly so oeoe think I’m moody and have no sense of humour. His jokes are usually at mine or our children’s expense. He is very bitter that I changed careers (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and took a drop in salary, still brings if up regularly and moans that I work too ga d, too long hours. Tells me I’ve got mental health problems and need to see someone. Blames everyone but himself for his problems, even going back to when he was a child. Makes me feel so disrespected, insignificant and stupid but can be nice, usually when he realizes that I’m at breaking point. My mum and sister listen to me but I know it they’re fed up of listening to me when I never flow through. Lockdown has been awful as he normally works (detail removed by Moderator) in the week. The relief when he’s away is huge and but by the end of the week I think he’ll come back happier, never does, why can’t I get that? Having him around 24/7has been very stressful, I can’t relax, he demands to know what my plans are for each day even though on his says off he does absolutely nothing except watch tele and drink. He does nothing with the children. There’s so much more I could write, it’s so obvious on paper that he’s not going to change, he’s been like this for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years but still I can’t quite make the break. I hate myself for being so weak. I almost keep waiting for him to so something really bad to make it more clear cut why I’m leaving. I’m just living in limbo watching him self destruct whilst also damaging our children and their mental health. They are my world so why can’t I make the break.

[Starlingstar]

Make a plan, make a plan to go and follow through. You have a support network- your mom and sister, take the kids and go and stay with them. Easier said than done I know but he’s damaging all of your mental health and like you said he is not going to change. He can’t treat you like this.

It is normal to go round in circles, because weirdly it actually feels comfortable being with him even if he is (detail removed by Moderator), it’s what your used to. You’re a afraid of what it’s like to leave but you will be so much better! Embrace it for you and your children- get out and you will feel the peace. Do not go back!

[Needtomoveon]

Thank you Starling star, I’m keeping daily diary now which is helping to remind me when I keep losing my nerve, I also made a list of all the reasons for and against staying, the list for staying has 2 things on it, the other one has about 30 which says it all. I think I will make a list of steps to take and do it one at a time. I was helping my daughter move (detail removed by Moderator) and was away all day (lovely) and he’d bought me wine and food and was in a good mood when I came back, within one hour he’d list his temper with my other school age daughter who has quite significant mental health problems and was shouting and swearing at her (detail removed by Moderator)that he’d confiscated. I challenged him for speaking to her like that and he turned on me, saying he would tell everyone that it’s my fault she’s the way she is because I don’t support him in disclipining her. I fully support boundaries but not the nastiness and vile language that just makes her own self loathing and desire to hurt herself worse. I feel like an awful mother for keeping her in this situation when I can change it. I need to make my plan and once I I am in a position to do it alsoget help from the people who love me too. Thank you for replying.

[Soulsearcher18]

What will it take to make you leave…
To hear from those who have experienced what you are experiencing that this is abuse.
To hear that you and your children are experiencing abuse.
That hear that you are not responsible for his actions.
That it is not your fault.
That you are MOTHER and that YES, you can make this change, for yourself and for your children. For your mental, physical and emotional health and well-being and for your children’s.
That nothing, no material things matter if you and your babies (because they are always your babies, no matter how big they get) are not safe.
That nothing, no material things matter if you and your babies are living in a prison.
To know that you are already part of a community that will support you at every step on your journey out and beyond.
To hear that this is urgent and the most important thing to deal with and focus on.

At least I hope that these are the things, along with the other responses that you will receive that will be the reassurance that you need to leave. I am obviously worried for you and you’ve my support-always but my heart goes out to your daughter too.

I know a b*****d (sorry everyone) like the one you both have to endure. I mean, I know they’re all alike but this one reminds me of one I have to deal with. Nasty piece of work.

Please take action asap. Please. You can do it. It is not easy but there is support out there and things can be so much better for you all, it really can. You all could have a life, not just an existence. You could have access to support to process all that has gone before and to plan a future free from oppression. Today is Monday, a new week. I hope you have some space/opportunity to make calls/email etc, it’s a great day for contacting services at the beginning of the week. A lot could happen in a week. Links on the WA website for how to find local support and how to contact WA are below.

Domestic Abuse Directory

I need help – information and support on domestic abuse

Please let us know how you get on and keep posting, any questions or thoughts- we are here to help.

Soulsearcher

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