What’s next?

[gettingtired]

After another failed attempt at leaving (I couldn’t do it) I’ve worn myself out emotionally and physically. My anxiety still feels on tenterhooks. I’m working all weekend but have one last evening without him before his return. Any ideas on what to do? How best to use the time?
What do I even do next?
I keep hoping for some sort of lightbulb moment or revelation to happen so that I just walk out of the door. I’m afraid it may never come though!
I thought I was doing well but I clearly still have a lot of work to do before I can break free.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m in therapy which helps up to a point. My local domestic abuse service don’t seem to be able to provide any support other than emergency housing (which I don’t need) and occupation orders etc (which again aren’t needed whilst I’m still trying to unstick myself from the situation!).
I’m also anxious because I know once he’s back it will be back to more emotional and psychological abuse.

[maddog]

It doesn’t work like that! Baby steps.

I couldn’t go to refuge for many reasons. Nobody just leaves an abusive relationship. It’s an escape. There are also many reasons to stay put. None of this is your fault so please don’t blame yourself.

Therapy can’t work properly when we’re still in the relationship, when the abuse is ongoing.

Right now, you probably need help with sorting out your own finances/benefits, how you can afford to live without him.

You may need legal advice.

The Domestic Abuse team on police 101 should be able to guide you to local services. They’re not the police so you don’t have to feel as though you’re reporting a crime.

You’re not alone. You’re far more articulate than I was when I was in a similar situation! x

[Dreamingoffreedom]

I just want to let you know that I feel your pain and that I am in exactly the same position. I thought I was going to leave last week then woke in the night and knew I wouldn’t. Silly excuses on my part.

I have also just started therapy (around 8 weeks) and I have to say it’s helping me alot. She is helping me to recognise behaviours that I used to think were nothing but now see it as control. The big things I got, but the little things not so. The fact I’m now telling someone EVERYTHING I feel has to be a step forward. The more I talk, the more I realise how abusive the relationship is. Its not the magic wand I’d hoped for but I feel its nudging me in the right direction helping me to recognise my feelings, his actions and what’s stopping me. Everyone says baby steps and it’s hard when you feel like we do, we crave that lightbulb moment but its right, it takes time. I’m not religious but I’ve found myself praying to my mum who passed away recently, begging her to help me. I’m starting to realise that we have yo do it for ourselves. No amount of praying is going to get him hit by that imaginary bus!!!! Eek! Hopefully those baby steps will get us to the place we want. So many inspiring women on here have fine it and one day we will do it too! 💪

[Bananaboat]

What if you break it down and go to you safe place for a few days? Then a few more? You might return to him, many of us have, or you might decide to stay away and it eventually becomes a full break? I get it, I’ve stood infront of my door telling myself ‘pack a bag and go’ but couldn’t, baby steps might help x

[Camel]

Hi gettingtired,

From what I understand, you plan to leave when your partner is away. This doesn’t happen very often which means you have ages to feel a failure for not leaving last time and ages for the stress and anxiety to reach boiling point for the next chance. You’re also praying that your light bulb moment happens on the right weekend.

That’s an awful lot of pressure! Little wonder you can’t walk through that door.

Maybe it’s time to try something different?

There are many ways to leave besides waiting for him to be away. You could pretend to go to work and not come back. As Bananaboat says, you could have your own weekend away and not return. Or, more daunting, you could tell him you’re off and he could watch you load up a van. Now your calendar is full of opportunities! If not today, then tomorrow, or next week. I can already feel the pressure lifting off your shoulders. x

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi gettingtired,

I have been doing the same as you (as have a lot of women on here unfortunately it seems) It reaches a breaking point again and I make a move to get help, but then something always stops me.

I think it’s mostly fear and anxiety that holds me back, the thought that maybe I’m wrong and I’ll regret it. Someone from women’s aid said to me that our gut feeling is right, that if you feel afraid of your partner’s behaviour or are changing to try and stop it then that is abuse. That helped to have someone else say it.

Reading about how people can manipulate your feelings and what is controlling/abusive (like this – http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf) has helped me keep my head clear. I’m going to stay at a relative’s and see what happens from there. Much love to you, I hope you can move forward from this soon xx

[Anonymous]

Mine was a different scenario he was in my house and wouldn’t leave , I tried for months and months , my life was hell , made every excuse there was so I didn’t just call the police to remove him , I threatened so many times and never followed through , it had become so bad I think I blocked the last3 months of the relationship, then one particular night after he had abused me for what seemed like hours , I layed in bed thinking of all the places I could go if I was free and not with him , it was the first time I started to think this way and I done it , the next day he came back thinking we would be ok and he was begging me to let him stay the thought of him in my house again filled me with absolute horror and dread , I said no , even though he was homeless, I said not my problem and he was removed again. It does come that lightbulb moment, hang in there and you won’t regret it , I was dancing around my kitchen, music blaring , I was free x

[Author]

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