This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Iwantmeback 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #103862
     Cookerkettle 
    Participant

    Hi
    It’s been a long time since I posted last. I guess at that point I thought I had the strength to make the change, but guess what? Didn’t happen. I got back into the cycle. Back into … one day this will all be okay. One day this will change. Well I guess one day has come around again and this time it’s been taken out of my hands. The abuse ramped up in the past few months. Isolation became worse, control hit new levels, but he became cleverer also and played it down more. He didn’t actually tell me I couldn’t go out did he? But the threat and intimidation where there. Anyway there was an major incident and police arrived. Took hours to get him down so that police could arrest him. He’s been told he can’t contact me directly or indirectly. The police wants a VPS from me and I’m scared. I know I don’t have to give it but I kind of want to. It’s been all my adult life and I want to tell my story. That said it’s stupid because I feel like I can’t betray him. I can’t be the reason he gets into trouble because then he has been right all along and it’s my fault, I created the monster he is. I feel like I’m being pulled from pillar to post of what to do. I feel stupid as I actually crave the normal I’m used to. Even though he is not in contact and this is what I’ve wanted… to be free, why am I not embracing it more.
    ?

  • #103865
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Do it. Make that statement. You’re not betraying him. You’re not the reason he’s in trouble. He has to know he’s accountable for his actions when he chooses to abuse you. Step off that roundabout of abuse, you deserve better. It’s not you. It could be any woman he’s with, he just happened to see you as vulnerable Prey and went in for the attack. You’ve escaped before and now you have more knowledge about abusive men. Take back that control and help the police. They’re the ones looking out for You x I know if I hadn’t made that final statement I would have regretted it. He would have sailed off into the sunset with a huge grin on his face and onto his next victim x

  • #103969
     Cookerkettle 
    Participant

    Thank you for your response. I seem to remember when I found that strength to reach out last year that you had some very good advice and support. I guess it’s hard even writing this …, my abuser is my Dad. He’s obsessed with me. It’s as simple as that. It’s not natural how he is. And right now I’m angry. I want to be able to make the statement, but it’s like no body else can see the damage he has done, they are all feeling sorry for him, making excuses for him, feeling sorry for hi,. And I want to scream…… what about me!!!!! This is a man who told me what I could wear, watch on T.V, told me constantly that I was a s**g and w***e, I wasn’t allowed to bath before a certain time, I had to tell who I was messaging if my phone lit up. And that’s before the fear from he’s episodes where he would threaten and intimidate. The 40 phone calls a day, even to my work place. The face time and photograph requests to prove where I was. But he has everyone running around after him and I feel so alone. And I don’t want to sound like I’m having a pity party, but I just want one of these people to say…. you matter x

  • #103970
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You do matter and you are the one who needs to know that. Abusers love to make themselves out to be the victim in all this. He’s the one having a pity party and he knows how to use and manipulate people. I know how hard it is to report this abuse, I had my son asking me not to report but I had to for my own safety and mental health. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first. Have you thought about a non molestation order which is through the civil court and doesn’t need as much evidence. This can prevent any contact and if he doesn’t breach it you can add a power of arrest and let the police deal with him. Talk to Rights for Women who offer free legal advice or your local women’s aid. There are also anti stalking charities like paladin. Meantime download a stalking app or record all his contact and abuse somewhere safe. He won’t stop until he’s made to. You deserve better and when a parent lets you down this way it must be horrific. Maybe when you involve an outside agency your family will realise just how bad things actually are for you x keep posting for support x the NSPCC have a helpline too x as does the national domestic abuse helpline so please use these helplines. I think Paladin does too x keep reaching out x

  • #103977
     Cookerkettle 
    Participant

    The sad thing is although I’m his child, I’m a fully grown adult. And I’ve let it continue. I saw what he did to my mum and I became his next victim. Alongside her of course. But yet she still puts him first. And now because he is gonna get help, it’s … let’s help him. And I’m frightened , I know I have the police if he comes near me but it doesnt stop the fear. How do u get over the fear? And then there’s the guilt. I feel so guilty. And I know I shouldn’t , and I get cross at myself for allowing it. So many emotions. And I just don’t know how to even begin to sort or make sense of them xx

  • #104047
     starqueen 
    Participant

    I will say it: you matter. And I’m going to say it again: You. Matter. 100%. My dad was abusive to me too, and it is so hard to acknowledge that one of the people who is supposed to love and accept you can’t do that. That isn’t anything to do with you though – he could make different choices and he hasn’t. All bullies like to play the victim when they get caught but he’s an adult and he is responsible for himself. I can relate to what you said about being an adult because it is hard when the abuser is a parent but you’re not a child anymore. You are however still his child and I think that power imbalance never truly goes away. I think people forget that parents can abuse their adult children and it can still harm us. Sending you lots of love, courage and strength. Please know that you’re not alone, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not at fault and once again you matter. 💕

  • #104048
     starqueen 
    Participant

    I think the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward would help you too. Also Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, and Take Back Your Life by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias. The latter is a lot about escaping cults and abusive relationships but I’ve found it really helpful in considering abuse particularly in families as well.

  • #104295
     Cookerkettle 
    Participant

    Thank you so much. I think when your an adult and it’s a parent it’s very easy to think your alone and that nobody else would be stupid enough to go through this. A million time’s it goes through my head…. your no longer a child, walk away. But it’s so hard. There’s the loyalty that is almost ingrained in you. And the perception that as your parent of course they love you. Well it’s now been the longest I have had no contact with him and I know that’s only because of his bail conditions. But he is still finding a way in. Messages being passed in. And I want to scream at everyone. I was the main target of his abuse, and no matter how much I talk and try there seems no one that can understand the effect he has had on my life. And I hear about how lonely he is and how sad. And how much he loves me. And I’m trying so hard not to let those feelings enter my brain. Just when I think I have my head straight and sorted it all wobbles again. I will have a look at those books. Thank u so much, from the bottom of my heart. I mean that. I’m sorry you went through similar , but the comfort you have given in knowing that it’s not just me, I’m not a fool. Just thank you

  • #104306
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi, statistically there is a high number of parents abused by their children. I wouldn’t say it’s hereditary as such but it’s definitely learned. You’re doing great, it might not seem like it but you are💜 try telling those who are passing messages on that you don’t want to know, they are what’s known af flying monkeys(from the wizard of oz)if they continue after you’ve asked them not to, you’ll have to cut them out of your life too. All abusers play the victim, cast some light on his behaviour,let those people know he’s no longer in your life for a reason, and you didn’t make that choice lightly. Many of these other people really only want the gory details, unless you feel they genuinely are concerned fir you, give them nothing.
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

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