30th May 2016 at 10:39 pm #18342
If it even goes to court. (detail removed by Moderator) Gathering evidence to see if it’s worth charging him I guess.
The thing about this that’s made me angry is that he denied to me what he’d done. He physically assaulted me and then minutes later he looked me in the eye and said I was lying. What sort of person does that. That’s the most blatant lie I have ever ever heard. It’s the only thing that really makes me want it to go to court and for him to be found guilty. Even if he only got a fine. People can deny things that are said or worm their way out of it by saying they didn’t say it in that way… Hope that makes sense! But you can’t deny physically assaulting someone… You can’t say you didn’t mean it in the way it happened because it happened!!
But then I think ‘I don’t want it to effect his job and his life’ but he should’ve thought about that before he did it. If he can go from pinning me on the bed one second to mr cool when the police arrived then he had total control over what he was doing- he knew what he was doing. The other thing that worries me is if it does go to court… What if he’s found innocent?! What are those odds?
He will be laughing and he will get away with it. It will feel like the law is saying it’s ok for him to do what he does because I do deserve it. And to everyone els- I’ll look like a lier. He’l be able to say- see I told you she lied. He must be confident that no one will believe me because he’s denied it all anyway
30th May 2016 at 11:10 pm #18344
Ive not had experience of this myself,many years ago when my children were at home mine was locked up over night in a cell then taken to court, he had not physically assaulted me but had smashed things and much verbal. He only got warnings, but there was no assault
The police saw your injuries but other ladies who have experienced this can advise you.
He has to be made to suffer consequences and you need to give full fact sof his coeherson as this is a criminal offence now, remember what he is capable of and how he tried to make you out to be a bad mother. He had no compassion when you miscarried and now he has assaulted you physically, try not to stress what will happen, he cant keep treating you this way it is getting worse, let him pay the price x*x
30th May 2016 at 11:17 pm #18347AnonymousInactive
Oh Starmoon, you’re going through it this week. And on (detail removed by Moderator) too 🙁 Hugs and love coming your way.
I’m so worried about you. I’ve been reading what’s happened and fear you’ll get badly hurt if you stay near this man.
The chances of him being found guilty if it *doesn’t* go to court are none, so we have to hope they find the evidence they need, then give it their best shot to prosecute him.
Feeling angry is completely appropriate, both as a response to his assault on you and his denial of it. It’s so important not to minimise what he did & to keep repeating that he physically assaulted you.
In your post you wrote this: “That’s the most blatant lie I have ever ever heard. It’s the only thing that really makes me want it to go to court and for him to be found guilty.” His lying to you shouldn’t be the only thing making you take him to court – his physical assault on your beautiful self should be another.
And this “But then I think ‘I don’t want it to effect his job and his life’ but he should’ve thought about that before he did it.” You’re d**n right there 🙂
What sort of person lies? One that’s not worth your care, love or time IMO. I hope you agree.
Yes, he does have total control over what he is doing all the time. His fear of losing control is what drives him to keep control of everything, always.
Yes, he knew what he was doing. Appalling doesn’t even begin to describe that, does it?
If it does go to court and he’s not found guilty (please let’s not even pretend he’s innocent, OK?), he’ll think and feel whatever someone so controlling and dangerous thinks and feels. I’m not interested in understanding how he thinks or what he feels, and I ask you to consider being equally disinterested. His is a sick and twisted mind – my advice is to stay out of it. If we try to understand them, next thing we know we’re empathising with them, and then we’re sunk.
If he’s not found guilty, it might feel as though the law is saying it’s ok for him to do what he does. Not guilty doesn’t mean that though – not guilty means we didn’t have enough evidence this time, but his card is marked for the next time – and there will be a next time.
You do not deserve it. Full stop.
You’re a gorgeous, wonderful woman who deserves to be cherished and loved, always.
Much love to you, please take very good care – even better care than you have been – of you. S xx
30th May 2016 at 11:45 pm #18350
He’s recorded me on his phone on many occasions and I worry that he’s done it at times he hasn’t told me.
He recorded me sat on the floor begging him not to leave me when I was pregnant… He’s recorded me in arguments when I’ve said things I regret like that I won’t let him see the children… Well he’s apparently done this. I’ve never heard them myself. And on the day of the assault, after he’d done it and come back to the room, he said he was recording me then so that it was he could prove he was being reasonable and Was trying to calm things down. As I said previously- if he did make that last recording then it proves that he was lying to the police when he said it was me who was stopping him from leaving. I don’t know. If he’s been very manipulative then he could’ve recorded me at the points where I’ve truly reached the end of the line… Like when I’ve called him a psycho. But even so, calling him that doesn’t mean a deserve what he did to me.
Thank you so much for your kind words both of you. I flip from one feeling to another. I want him to be punished for what he’s done. I want him to see he can’t keep getting away with treating me that way…. But it’s like I have and angle and a devil on my shoulder because when I start to feel as I’ve just said, one of them whispers in my ear “you ajouldnt have called the police, it just got out of hand”. It does worry me they my memory is so muddled by the night… I’ve usially got a stupidly good memory
31st May 2016 at 8:54 am #18363LittleBritishPhoenixParticipant
He relies on this, this fuzzy-headedness that makes you wonder if you’re remembering correctly at all. They’re just so certain of their own lies and so sure of themselves aren’t they?
Hang in there love, I’ve not been about much recently but trying to catch up on everything.
The angel and devil on your shoulders are normal Starmoon. But you’ve done the right thing! x
31st May 2016 at 2:23 am #18355SaharaDParticipant
Try going no contact and try to stop thinking about him.
How many times has he let you down and hurt you?
Only you can stop the codependency and trauma bonding.
31st May 2016 at 8:54 am #18362AnonymousInactive
Wise words from SaharaD, Starmoon.
Somewhere inside you know she’s right, don’t you? Please keep listening & try to make your way towards freedom.
When you’re ready to break the codependency you might find this helpful http://esteemology.com/
Loads of great stuff here, easy to read and digest, motivational and written by a woman whose been there.
Take very good care of you
31st May 2016 at 10:22 am #18371
I just wish so much that I was normal. That I hadn’t gotten stressed and looked unhappy when we were eating. Things would’ve been different. He’d reached the end of his tether by this point and once he had I should’ve just accepted it and left… Gone home or just stayed quiet for the rest of the evening in the room. I had no right to be angry at him. I deserved the weekend being wrecked
31st May 2016 at 11:44 am #18373
Starmoon you had every right to be angry with him, not just last night but for all he has put you through. These Men reach the end of their tether all the while becausu=e they have very little tether if any for us.
He wrecked your weekend away by his voilence towards you , please dont keep blaming yourself , read Patricia Eans and remind yourself that these me do not live in reality they expect a perfect woman to supply their very unreasaonble childish demands x*x
31st May 2016 at 12:15 pm #18377Confused123Participant
Pleaase find the strength to keep away from this man, he cleaarly messes u about and hurts u , i cant say if he will get away with it or not each case is difeerent, focus on your own wellbeing and what negative effect he has on u
31st May 2016 at 1:28 pm #18380HealthyarchiveBlocked
I feel the same as all of the other ladies on the forum, No Contact 100% is the only way forward. I fully understand it is far from easy when you have a strong emotional bond and severe trauma bonding. I know how this feels and the lasting effects that it causes. But if you don’t you will be in a never ending spiral just getting worse and worse. I have had NC now on both sides for close to (detail removed by Moderator) months, I still think about him a lot and check my emails and phone to see if he has contacted me. It is not easy, I still yearn a little bit. But I highlight the words, a little bit. This was so different 2 months ago, time is a healer. I felt that I still loved him, but I know in my heart that he is not a decent long term partner so this is why I have had to choose this route. But I understand that it is not easy to do, you can do it for yourself and your children.
31st May 2016 at 5:07 pm #18390
Obviously I keep going over and over the night and wondering what I said or did to make him say I’d wrecked the night. But my memory is so fuzzy… I only actually had one glass of wine, I never even finished my drink in the restaurant so i don’t get why i felt the way I did or why it all happened. After he’d called a stop to the night and said I was ungrateful and he was going to find someone who deserved him I now remember him saying ‘I’m done with you darling’.. Well now I’m remembering I said things like he was evil and I should’ve listened to his ex when she said he was a nasty piece of work, I told him he needed help, I remember being angry myself and wanting to say things to upset him. It’s no wonder he lost his rag
1st June 2016 at 10:20 am #18410AnonymousInactive
Starmoon, (detail removed by Moderator)
*It doesn’t matter in the least what you did or said*
*There is no justification for him losing his rag with you, ever*
*Real men, good men, just don’t do that*
*He should leave you rather than hurt you*
I have lots of friends with good men in their lives.
I call them ‘good’ because they always are, to my friends, their children, me, etc.
I have seen one or two of them lose their temper (when we’ve been on holiday or staying in their homes).
When these good men lose their temper, they walk away, compose themselves, and come back later to resolve the matter using calm conversation, in an adult fashion.
It really is that simple, I have seen it with my own eyes.
Much love sweetheart, please hear what all of us are saying to you. Sxx
1st June 2016 at 11:01 am #18414
Starmoon, what you said to him was true, his behavoir is evil and if his ex saw it as well that is true, what he puts out to you is not true.
You are reacting out of sheer hurt and all of the thing he has put you through , he is acting out of abuse and control.
You want to be with him so much and that is understandable , you have had his children, you have a dream of how you want it to be and only you can decide the way forward for you, but do take on board that you were not at fault.
Your anger is justifiable in what he has put you through, his isnt xxxxxx
1st June 2016 at 11:10 am #18415
I’m driving everyone mad with it I know I’m sorry, and thank you for your support still.
I know this is pathetic but the violence doesn’t really concern me (I know it should).
It’s just that non of it makes any sense to me. He’d made so many comments that day about how I couldn’t communicate properly, how i wasn’t normal… Earlier on in day he’d found his shirt was missing two buttons and I said if he found a needle and thread id sew the spare one on and move another. He told me to call hotel reception and when i asked him to do it he told me I wasn’t normal. I tried not to let these comments get to me but they did so when he was more extreme Over pushing me to chose food and telling me I wasn’t normal for becoming stressed, when we were in the restaurant it really started to get to me… I wish I could’ve let it slide off my back but I was upset by it. I guess if I hadn’t been stressed in the first place then he wouldn’t have had cause to say I wasn’t normal. But Then when I was upset he said I was ungrateful that he’d gone to all that trouble. I did try to explain that I wasn’t ungrateful and that I just didn’t want any fuss. But he was saying it was me causing it, so in the end I was just saying ok you’re rite, you’re too good for me… The whole thing was a whirl wind and nothing I said was making it any better, he was just getting more and more angry and afament that I had destroyed it all. I really wanted to salvage the night. I didn’t know what to do short of begging him. He’s said before that the problem is that I’m relentless and don’t let him walk away when he’s angry and If I let him walk away then he wouldn’t get so angry and hurt me. Usually I’m only like that because I don’t want things to get so extreme and I’m trying to get him to calm down and think. And that night again I didn’t want it to get to the point of him being so angry he needed to walk off. Because it was for my birthday and I didn’t want the night destroyed. So I just kept trying to explain things, but he kept misunderstanding me… Well either that or he was determined I didn’t deserve to be heard because I’d been so out of order… Though I didn’t think I had been.
It doesn’t make sense… In every other aspect of my life I would say I’m capable of reflecting on situations and knowing when I’ve been in the wrong, like when I’ve snapped or been in a strop or moody. That night I didn’t think I had been any of those things. I was still saying sorry if it had Cole accross that way as I’d never deliberately spoil anything.. He was having non of it. So I guess I felt angry at that point. We went our separate ways. I didn’t bombard him with texts… He text me endlessly saying I was a selfish b***h etc. I tried to defend it because I still really didn’t believe I was. I thought maybe if I gave him time to calm down he mite want to resolve it. I had the room key and I didn’t think he’d go back to the hotel, I thought he’d get a drink and maybe talk to me. I tried to give him the space he always says he needs but he kept texting me and when I got back to the hotel, he was already there and had had my room key void so i couldn’t get in. When he opened the door he’d packed all his things and said he was driving home. I did try and stop him then (which I know he doesn’t like) because he’d drank considerably more than I had and he wasn’t fit to drive home. Again I remember trying to rationalize the situation and asked him to calm down and talk like adults but he wouldn’t. He carried on telling me how done he was with me and how I’d destroyed his life, wasted his time, been Ungrateful and selfish. How I wasn’t normal and all the other stuff. So I guess I got annoyed saying it wasn’t true which is when I said it was him who was a psycho and not normal. And that’s when he got violent.
1st June 2016 at 11:31 am #18416
Thank you so much once again. I’m in such emotional termoil trying to make sense of everything 😢
1st June 2016 at 4:22 pm #18439AnonymousInactive
Maybe it’s time to stop trying to make sense of everything, then, and take some time out to do something nice for you – a walk, a bath, read a book for fun, watch something light/funny on TV, etc?
I’m sorry for being inpatient. I just want you to be happy, and I think you’d be happier without all this trauma going on in your life.
But it is your life – it’s up to you how you live it.
Much love S xx
1st June 2016 at 4:49 pm #18442HealthyarchiveBlocked
I agree with Swallow & all of the other ladies. Starmoon you and I were feeling very similar about 2 months ago, desperately missing and loving them, yearning for them, wanting contact and feeling like you could not survive even for an hour, your emotional pain was so deep. I think that you need to make a decision for yourself and your life, do you want to be with him or not. If you do, can you work through all of the issues, can you accept him exactly as he is? Or split up and face what comes with No Contact. As you know, the emotional pain that I felt, it was so deep, I cried and felt so much grief as though somebody had died. But for me it is now 4 months of NC. I still every day have thoughts of him, but these now are passing thoughts, a lot of the pain has gone and now I am beginning to smile and feel better. It is achievable. I don’t want a man who makes me doubt myself, takes my money, cheats on me and makes me believe I am mentally ill. I want to be in love and have a normal relationship. Only today I thought to myself, this could be the best thing that has ever happened to me and I meant that. I have always been addicted to relationships and my period of feeling the pain & going through it is in a way like being reborn. But as Swallow says it is your life so your choice.
1st June 2016 at 11:03 pm #18470
It’s not so much that I can’t accept him… I thought I had and dos accept him for everything he was. I never threatened to leave or to end it. And I took the physical stuff too. It’s just that on days like Saturday I was meeting myself coming back just trying to find the words to plicate him and stop him from causing an issue. When nothing I said or did worked, when I tried everything he’s always said is what he wants and needs I was just done in. There must have been some part of me at that point that just clicked and thought I’m not doing this anymore, a part of me that wanted to argue back and defend myself.
There’s been numerous (minor) violent out bursts but the worst two have been when I’ve stood my ground. (detail removed by moderator). I know 100% that I didn’t deserve the violence that day so hopefully eventually I’ll gain beliefe over this one, all the others and the emotional abuse too. Thank you again for your support
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.