whats the difference toxic and abusive

[Chocolatebunnie]

My relationship is a long standing one and there have been a few verbally abusive moments I can say for sure were not normal.

Its not just me that finds my husband difficult, his two eldest kids would rather not live with him and sit in their rooms when he is there. He is not understanding towards them can be harsh and they both suffer with severe social anxiety and are autistic. My eldest his step son moved out partly because of my husbands behaviour. I had to let it go as we have 4 kids and felt they needed their dad. Now I feel Im staying with him for the youngest 2.

I have alot to deal with and he has not always been supportive and find he creates when Im struggling or so it seems. I am at a point where I am not sure its me or if its him, I get so confused. I know I am not and have not been happy for a long time.

Christmas he was moody, it got sorted but it was same last year (worse last year) then I think was it me expecting it that made it happen? The kids get upset and say not again.

He wants me to socialise with his family but Ive had a hard time with them and its not straight forward, toxic mother in law who has said some awful things to my older kids about all of us. So I feel he shold understand and support me, but he throws it back at me.

i have no sex drive, due to being tired, stressed and the difficulties between us too. He asked me first thing when we woke on (detail removed by Moderator) was I messaging other people, because he felt I might be looking for someone else. I have cried and told him many times recently why I am unaffectionate at the moment and each time he says he gets it but he clearly doesnt. He said I was fridgid.

In the past he has upset anniversaries, valentines day, our wedding.

Ive posted all these points before and I know i need to ring the helpline but I feel so disconnected and scared to make a move, Im doubting everything.

He has had a crack cocoaine habit which he kept from me, he no longer uses this but he now is a heavy cannibis user.

His mood depends on wether he has had a smoke and sometimes hes honest and other times not which makes me doubt myswkelf more.

I really dont know if this is me or him, am I just oversensitive? If I go it alone its going to be so hard, with the kids and their extra needs.

But after ‘one of our moments’ when he is difficult to be with, I loose my energy and feel so down for days after, he is back to his usual happier self and then I feel its me who is the problem,
but then would I be stronger without him, or would it be just as bad as I would have other problems.

is this an unhealthy/toxic relationship or is it abusive? How do I know? x

[Flowerchild]

In the end, darling, does it matter what the label is? It’s making youand the children unhappy and it’s already alienated one of your own children! How bad does it have to get before you call time on it?

I’d say it’s him, not you, at fault here. If you’re doubting yourself, it’s probably only because you hear his voice in your ear, blaming you, isn’t it?

The bottom line seems to be that he is unappreciative, difficult and moody with a drug habit, a tendency to invent things to accuse you of and a nasty way of spoiling every potentially nice thing that comes along. Trust me, that would be more than enough for most people to want to end a relationship.

If you’re worried about whether you’ll be worse off without him, just consider the drain he is on your energy and spirit and how much lighter you could feel when he’s gone. Or you could make a double list, with all the things he says and does to make your life and the children’s lives sweeter and easier on one side and the things that make life bleaker and nastier for you all on the other. That might help you make your mind up what you want to do next.

Remember, a marriage needs two willing, committed participants for it to work and it’s a relationship. not a prison. Nothing and nobody can keep you in it if you want to go, and you don’t have to get anybody’s approval or permission or convince anyone except yourself. All you need is a few examples of unreasonable behaviour and to write them on a form you can download from the .gov website to get you started. I should think the cannabis habit, the dishonesty, the false accusations and the harsh words to you and the children should do it. It’s not like a court of law – you don’t need proof or evidence or witnesses! Until the law changes and we get no-fault divorces, you do need to spell out why you want to part, but nobody in authority will question it. Your husband might, of course, and he will need to see the paperwork at some point, but that’s another matter. Whether you tell him what you’re doing or not is up to you.

I found that putting the filled-in forms in front of my husband and telling him what I was planning made a huge difference to how he behaved – he really thought I was going to just go on putting up with being miserable indefinitely – but that was him.

Good luck, chocolatebunnie – your future is in your own hands and labels don’t really matter too much. For what it’s worth, though, I think he sounds like both a toxic personality and an abuser!

[Iwantmeback]

Hi chocolatebunny, reading your post I’d say he’s both sides of the same coin.
We cannot imagine life without him because of the life we’re living just now. The exhaustion, doubting yourself/ him,I know if won’t be that way but just now can’t not imagine being strong enough to cope with life without him in it, if that makes sense. Everyday we think of our relationship, and everyday we get stronger and more knowledgeable in order to leave at some point. Your time will come. There’s no right time, just the time to end all the chaos he creates.
Take care, IWMB 💕💕

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