whats wrong with me??

[Starlight]

I feel like something must be wrong with me. I seem to be attracted to or maybe attractive to abusive relationships! I have had everything from physical abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholics, addicts the lot.

I have just walked away from a long term relationship after major emotional abuse. Why did I stay with him so long. Everyone told me he was no good for me. I still stayed and tried to do everything I could for him and he still belittled me, manipulated and controlled me. Is this love? If it is I want to be single forever.
I had such a nasty letter from him on Saturday, it was 10 pages of ripping me apart from every single possible angle and blaming me for everything thats gone wrong in our relationship.
Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I should feel pain and hurt as I don’t seem to be able to find a genuine loving man. He has replaced me in less than a week too, WOW that hurt too. Described all the details and said she is everything I am not. I feel so worthless, so useless and I don’t have a soul to talk to about this. Its been a tough year. Beside this, I have lost 2 parents and my one and only best friend in the last 6 months, that I was actually allowed to secretly see. She was my rock and now she has passed. Life is short and love is scarce. Maybe I should have tried harder. Feeling so isolated, down and like a complete failure 🙁

[KIP.]

Hi there

None of this is your fault. Do not believe a word he says to you. It’s all designed to hurt you any way he can. Have you read Living With The Dominator, by Pat Craven. It’s a great book and helped me a lot. My husband was having an affair but seemed to move on in such a callous way. Trying to rub my nose in it too. They have no moral compass. Please try and go no contact. It really saved my sanity. They cannot play mind games with you if you have no contact. Abusers will always blame others. That way, they don’t have to carry the guilt. Don’t let him pass any guilt onto you. He chose to behave the way he did. I’m so sorry for your loss. And good caring partner would help you through this. And don’t blame yourself for staying. I kept hoping tomorrow would be a better day and we’ve invested so much in the relationship, we just want it to work. Don’t be hard on yourself, just learn from this experience. Become wiser and stronger. You deserve better. Good riddance to bad rubbish❤️

[Hopesprings]

My goodness girl sending you a huge hug! There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s these men!

Do you have a local women’s aid? Or call the helpline the ladies on there are amazing as are the ladies on this forum so keep posting you are not alone.

I’m so sorry to hear of all the suffering and loss you’ve been through.

He’s moved on to someone else because that’s what these men do. You’re a amazing person. Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Your life will be better without this man. You also need to go no contact. It will be hard but worth it

[Tamra]

Im so sorry to hear of your loses that’s just awful. None of this is your fault he is just trying to shift and project all his guilt and shame on to you.

My friend died before I met my ex but he would use him in arguments etc and then before I left he would move his photograph around just to annoy me or to gain some communication from me so I had to remove it from the house. He was/is and sounds like yours a massive emotional abuser the pain they cause is just awful. I feel for you greatly so please keep posting lots of love
Xx

[Starlight]

Thanks you so much KIP and Hopesprings. I am so glad I have found this forum to share and read other ladies like yourselves story. It does help so much.
I don’t have a local womens aid yet, as I keep calling and get the answering service. I was given the details about woman aid from my Doctors room. I will keep trying to get hold of them though.
I don’t have any contact from my side and have blocked him in every way I can think of, but he is sending these letters by post to my address. I must say that he moved house  (detail removed by moderator) months ago and even though we were still seeing each other, he said he felt I didn’t deserve to know where he lived as he didn’t trust me emotionally!! So I still don’t know where he lives. I can’t stop the post from arriving, so thats what he does. I have promised myself that the next letter that arrives ( I have a box full) I will NOT read.

Do you know that because I am a single parent and lived in a different town to him, he managed to manipulate and control me so much so that he got me to believe he had been divorced for years, when in fact he was married all the while. When I left him the first time, he attempted to kill himself and called ME when he got out of hospital and like a idiot, I felt so sorry for him, as he had no-one to help him, not even his own family wanted to know him, that I took care of him physically and mentally for (detail removed by moderator) years, all the while he was controlling and manipulating me. I lost my family and friends as he would play the guilt trip thing on me and say I didn’t love him, so I gave everything and everyone up. Only an idiot like me, would want to take care of someone that had just deceived and lied to them, along with interrogated and treated them so badly. thats why I think I must be crazy or something. But, I loved him and I wanted to help him and I put him before myself and everyone else. After that, every time I had to walk away, he threatened me with taking his life again and I didn’t want to be responsible for that. Its part of how he held onto me. I needed to leave him constantly, because of the verbal abuse and belittling. His behaviour has made me feel like life biggest loser.
He even said bad things about my Dad passing and blamed me, saying I am a bad daughter. My Dad died from cancer, nothing to do with me.
I am so not looking forward to Christmas, but have to put a smile on my face for the children. My daughter has special needs and doesn’t understand all of this and I don’t want them to see me unhappy as its so not fair on them.

[Falling Skys]

Big Hugs xx

You are a wonderful person and made wrong chooses like us all.

Give the letters to the police, let them deal with it or write return to sender on the envelope has zero tolerance to it. It wont be easy at first, but your sanity and survival is paramount to you and your family.

A little white lie I told my children when they found me with tears in my eyes was to say I stub my toe, I would even show them the chair/door that I did it on. They would accept that, though I let it out to my daughter a couple of years ago when she was getting out of a bad relationship and said she got upset in front of the children I said without thinking say you stub your toe. She hug me and said O mum you were always doing that when we were growing up.

Good luck xx

[Hopesprings]

You’re not an idiot. You’ve got a big heart. You were too tolerant, but you’ve made a massive step by getting this man out of your life.

Have you called the police about these letters? If not I would as he is harassing you.

Take care. You will get there.

[Twisted Sister]

so sad for your horrible experiences from such a vile ex. You are so kind and caring, and they make you feel stupid for being that way.

You taken such huge steps to get him away from you, and thats really hard so you’ve done so well to manage that already!

Please write back to him that you will passing any further letters to the police and send it recorded and copy it to the police, then give them all the previous letters too. It will tell them all they need to know about him.

Any further letters and they would be able to charge him with harrassment. You made the break and got away, you no longer need to hear his rubbish any more. You don’t have to listen to his abuse any more. If he threatens to kill himself you need to inform the police also, so that they can act to protect him and you won’t feel responsible (not that you were anyway). He needs to look to others for support, if its not just idle threats, which it could well be just to emotionally blackmail you.

warmest wishes ks xx

[Starlight]

Thank you ladies for these very kind words of wisdom. You have all really helped me process all of this. I have been beating myself up for so long and i see now that perhaps I shouldn’t have.
Perhaps i will actually get a decent nights sleep tonight, instead of waking up and mulling over everything in my head for hours.
Really do appreciate all your support 😊

[Author]

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