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    • #72740
      teabag
      Participant

      I admire any individual who has the courage to go to the police station and make a statement. The idea of putting myself through this is terrifying. But there’s also s part of me that feel I have an obligation to, to protect his next victim.

      Right now, I’m to scared because I still blame myself. Also my ex has been through the system before so this time he will really know how to play the game.

      How did you do it? What did you do it? Or why didn’t you do it?

      Would be great to hear your experiences.
      X

    • #72753
      she-ra
      Participant

      Never have, too scared and also if you talk about it, it makes it real. It would mean no more sweeping it under the carpet and everyone would know the truth. I also feel guilty through all the gaslighting etc you still feel like you’ve played a part in it and some of it is my fault. Also scared of other agencies getting involved and his threat of my children being taken away from me being a reality. 🙁 xxxx

    • #72755
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      Hi
      Took me a while to report him. Never did I realise I was in an abusive relationship till the abuse got worse
      He had no empathy for me. He did not care that he sexually assulted me.
      .he threatened me threatened my dog
      Was the last straw. Hes on record now.

    • #72757
      diymum@1
      Participant

      when he grabbed me around the throat and pinned me to the bed – his friend came round to visit simultaneously it was a coincidence – he never let him in and I heard him laughing down stairs and acting like everything was ok. he had ran out of cigarettes that was the reason behind the assault!! that was when I realised he was actually in control of himself when he was doing this- I fled with my daughter while he was in the garden he could do anything we ran for our lives literally. I went to a friends and called the police. He was asked to stay away from the home, he stayed away for 5 days. I was inconsolable without him (trauma bonded) without knowing this I asked him to come home – my friends and family threw there hands and said omg your a lost cause. this happened many times until he left me xx what an ordeal we go through but we do get out some way some how x luv diy mum

    • #72758
      Anabela
      Participant

      I called the police after he assaulted me and took my house keys. It was impulsive decision. it was not the first time i experienced or witnessed his physical violence but probably the most serious and scariest one. The police officer said I should have come to them earlier.
      There were times when I regretted reporting him as our relationship still continued for a bit. but in the end I am so glad I did. It gave me closure. It gave me restraining order. It gave me freedom. And it made me feel like I stood up for myself. I let the authorities deal with him. He received his sentence and I feel that I have forgiven him and can move on with my life.
      From my experience UK police is absolutely amazing.

    • #72759
      diymum@1
      Participant

      I have to say the policeman that looked after me came back to see me at my friends house that same evening to check that I was ok – I wish that I had been given access to the freedom programme at the time. I would never have given him more chances to do this to me again xx

    • #72762
      teabag
      Participant

      reading your stories i feel like someone has put their hands around my neck and i am being chocked. that is the horror and pain i feel for you all but my hearts feels like its been ripped out of me too because i can hear in all of your stories the struggle of loving an abuser and being unsure of what to do,

      i have never told anyone (bar his parents) because domestic abuse is such a dirty word and though i have mentioned to some friends his abuse they almost glaze over it.

      i get how families are so cross with you when you go back to the abuser, i never understood it until recently.

      kudos to you all ladies you have my utmost respect.

      i don’t know what the law is on reporting abuse but i can statement write form a few years back.
      have any of you reported it months later?

      i am building p the courage to contact women’s aid and i think the freedom course would be great. even this is causing me anxiety- as one forum member highlighted it really does make it all so real.

      • #72815
        Iwantmeback
        Participant

        Hi teabag I’m sure the law has been extended to being able to report the abuser up to 2 yrs after it happened. It used to be 6 months, but many women aren’t ready in that timeline. You can report online through whichever police force covers you. They have a form you fill out. Obviously this way isn’t anonymous or they couldn’t tell you if there was any previous problems e.g. police Scotland website. You can also phone 101 to ask how you could go about it too. I’m sure WA can help with this information to. xx

    • #72764
      diymum@1
      Participant

      i find it really helpful to be totally honest about our experiences and how we felt/feel. Anxiety and fear is definitely something that holds us back. Learning to love ourselves again and also finding ways to cope with anxiety is the best way forward initially. We do get stronger with time and better equipt with knowledge to then act. I never contacted womens aid at the time I spoke about above. I just believed that it was part of the knocks in life and id have to just get on with it. I contacted them once it was directed at my youngest child. they were great and I do wish I had sought some help sooner than I did xx youll get there much love diy x

    • #72771
      KIP.
      Participant

      I reported decades later. You can report anonymously through women’s aid or rape crisis. I don’t regret reporting his abuse. I don’t regret his conviction. I know I would have regretted not going through with it but we are all different, and at different stages. Try a journal of all the abusive incidents and how they made you feel. Try to start at the beginning and work your way through.

    • #72786
      teabag
      Participant

      Kip. What do you mean you can report anonymously? Can you elaborate on this.

      I started a journal but I’ve not documented the history. May be if I did it would help to get some clarity.
      X

    • #72828
      maddog
      Participant

      I too reported decades later. When I first spoke to the police I asked them not to speak to the abuser as I was afraid of how he would respond. They did interview him eventually and persuaded him to move out of the family home.

      He had me arrested and told the police I had done something that didn’t happen. Everyone in custody told me that I should make a statement.

      I had been writing down little things for years. I had wanted out for years.

    • #72845
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      My ex got arrested (again) when a member of my family called the police after I told her he’d assaulted me. I don’t know what made me make a statement this time, except that I knew he’d never change and he’d started lying to the police about things I’d done to the extent that I got arrested and ended up with a police caution for defending myself. Once someone starts lying to get you into trouble with the police, it’s time to save yourself. I knew he would never change and me being arrested just emboldened him. I’m still waiting after quite a few weeks for the CPS to decide if he’s going to be charged and I have to say, if he isn’t, my faith in the system will be lost forever.

      I guess at the end of the day, each time I didn’t make a statement, the abuse escalated and I worried that he’d kill me. he’s a danger to himself and to others.

      I also feel strongly that I couldn’t live with myself if I ever read that he’d injured/ killed someone else after me. So I had to make a statement and follow it through, although I wish to God I didn’t.

      Women like us find strength from who knows where to bear all this, so I’d say to call the helpline and keep posting on here x

    • #72846
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      She-Ra, my ex is always talking to me as if I’m partly to blame, but I know absolutely 100% now that I’m not. You aren’t either. He’s using that to control you. And everyone knowing makes it harder to go back and that’s not a bad thing. DV thrives on secrecy. You’ll probably be surprised how much support you get; I know I was. And on here, we’re with you every step of the way x

      • #72900
        she-ra
        Participant

        Thank you lovely. It’s so silly isn’t it. I know deep down it’s not my fault but I still feel this guilt and responsibility to him, it’s ridiculous. He’s made me feel that if I tell anyone I’m being disloyal which is just so sad, he doesn’t care about loyalty when he’s hurting me. I feel like a fraud. But I know I am getting stronger. I told my friends this week, 5 of them! My friends who I’ve been friends with for a very long time, no one doubted me, they all supported me, offered their homes to me and my children and were there for me. So I’m getting stronger, if I can tell them then maybe I can build up to courage to walk into a police station and and ask to speak to someone about DV. You’re all so amazing and your stories give me strength, I am educating myself by reading books about it, watching talks about it and the recent programmes on the tv. Thank you all so much for your support. X*x

      • #73355
        Iwantmeback
        Participant

        That’s it right there She-ra, the being disloyal, not keeping it in the family. Sometimes I feel as if I’m in an episode of the Sopranos. My ex was accused of not having his brother’s back one time, it was a ridiculous situation to be in. Two grown men battering a young man. My oh refused to help him(I was so proud of him standing up to his brother) everyone around us was amazed, saying, that he was the first to do that(put him in his place so to speak)
        What is it with men and respect and all that goes with it.(In their eyes)
        Staying in an abusive relationship is one of the hardest yet easiest things to do. It’s easy because it’s familiar,it’s easy because you’re not having to stay again. But it’s so hard, the daily verbal abuse, the daily knockdowns. My oh too says my cooking is awful that it’s s..he he’s got to eat. I no longer care if he eats it or bins it. I jyst don’t make him anything in place of it now.
        One day you and I will leave these men, that day scares me and excites me too.
        Take care lovely lady
        Live IWMB 💕💕

    • #72860
      Tiredone
      Participant

      I waited too long and as a result, the police couldn’t arrest him for beating me up. I didn’t know what there was a 6 month statue of limitations at the time so by the time I reported him (almost a year later), it was too late. I went to the police because I found out he had previously been in trouble for DV. Like most women here, it took me a long time to admit that I was in an abusive relationship. I made lots of excuses for his behaviour but when I heard what he had done to his ex (who he made out to be crazy) then I knew I had to say something.

      I don’t really trust the police so that worked in his favour because he was certain that no matter what he did, I would never call the police but when I finally made a statement they believed me and they didn’t do any of the things that my ex said they would.

      Don’t wait, don’t protect him. Don’t feel guilty. You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to warrant his behaviour. If you did that means all the women on this forum did something too which is definitely not the case. Our abusers all use the same techniques to silence us and it not our fault. Your partner shouldn’t make you feel like you need to get the police involved. I am in a healthy relationship now and I have never felt the urge to call the police. Nor has he done anything to make me consider it.

      • #72901
        she-ra
        Participant

        So pleased you’re in a healthy relationship now. Xx

    • #72969
      teabag
      Participant

      thank you ladies. still not sure what to do.keep thinking i am overreacting and should just let it go. he never hit me, threw things at me, pushed me a handful of times, and when he forded the door open that hit me. threatened when to kill us both when driving. i had no bruises, the psychological assault was not nice and the game playing. he frightened me that his family told him to leave the property once.

      i just think the police will laugh at me. some of the things that happened are now out of the 2 year limitations so i guess he wins and gets away with it this time i guess.

      i just don’t know where to start. trying to build up the courage to contact womens aid.

      your all amazing- i admire your strength.
      x

    • #72976
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi teabag you can still fill in the form that was brought out recently through Clare’s Law. You can do it online through you’re local police force, (Scottish, English, Welsh, Northern Irish). It’s a note of the assault(s) and unless the police deem your life to be in danger, it’s there for any future partners to look into too. I want to fill it in, not done it yet, still a bit scared to incase things get taken out of my control. Is also there for your peace of mind I suppose and once it’s logged, any future incidents will be looked at more in depth I’d presume.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #72981
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      I tried to fill in the form just now, I really did but pressed the escape button. It’s definately not knowing if they’d contact him, that made me have second thoughts. I feel such a coward.
      😥

      • #73058
        teabag
        Participant

        Iwantmeback. I can only find the form on the Scottish police website. I don’t live there and there doesn’t seem to be one linked to my local area?

    • #72992
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      The one time I was going to while in the relationship, I was in so much of a state I had no idea of who to call.

      However, when I did report it after I left, I seemed so far fetched about what had happened and he was so reasonable. I might as well never have bothered.

      Months and months of almost daily abuse vs. ‘a bit of fun’. It was easy to see what they could fit into their heads.

      • #72998
        Iwantmeback
        Participant

        I think you’ve just explained what’s really stopping me there Numpty, it sounds so far fetched, so ludicrous that any one would put up with this behaviour. It’s once the dynamics are known, the cats out the bag, you can’t take it back.
        IWMB 💕💕

    • #73008
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      You are not a coward for being afraid. The mindset we’ve been put into is really hard to get over.

      I was fortunate that I got a place organised in a refuge when I reported my ex.

      However, that hasn’t taken the fear away completely. I couldn’t fill in a form for my lo’s school as I was terrified and would only let them write something for me if they promised not to tell him I had said anything.

    • #73060
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Try looking up under domestic violence disclosure scheme(DVDS) @Teabag, (Detail removed by moderator). Maybe your local WA could direct you in the right direction.
      Good luck.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #73065
      Apricotpoppy
      Participant

      Hi Teabag, calling WA and reporting to the Police is a massive step for a lot of us. It is part of the abuse as we have been conditoned to not reach out, to keep silent so the abuser can continue .
      To overthrow this is huge step. It took me ages to work up to it. Posting on here is a brave step forward.
      You have been exposed to physical abuse but and coercive control and are minimising.
      When you talk to WA they will validate you. Also you may remember other elements of his abuse you weren’t aware of at the time. I was suprised they wanted to get me out that day. I just kept saying to myself I didn’t think it was that bad but they are the experts. Still minimise at times but catch myself doing it now !
      When you are ready to talk to the police ask for domestic abused trained police and explain what you have told us here they will
      would take this very seriously. It always gets worse and you thankfully got out. They can visit you at home.
      All the best and keep strong x
      Apricotpoppy

    • #73250
      teabag
      Participant

      Im not sure if I experienced coercive control. He never stopped me going out but I wasn’t allowed to use the word abuse, and he asked me to promise if he hit me I would not report him to the police. He would give me a hard time about not going out enough- which is odd,but I had no friends where I lived.

      I will have to read into that term as I do not understand it fully.

      • #73274
        Iwantmeback
        Participant

        Hi teabag, my OH says the same to me, but who would I go out with, I have no one close to me.he suggests my daughter but on the other hand hasn’t a good word to say about her. I have no friends. And I know it would have to be during the day so I wasn’t leaving him alone at night in the house.
        Why would he make you promise not to report him to the police if he hit you. He’s committing an offense, are you supposed to just take it. Thing is my oh never said that, it was me, it never crossed my mind to phone the police. I would now, now I know what I live with.
        Coercive control is so very hard to see at the time, it’s not till after and you’re going through it in your head that it hits you that something wasnt right. With no-one around you to talk it through apart from him, how would you know he was being coercive. But you have us now, you can make sense of things said and done now.
        Keep posting teabag
        IWMB 💕💕

    • #73255
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Unfortunately its not as cut and dried as some would have people think. I used to leave my house to have some time where he wasn’t watching or listening to me.

      I was forbidden to tell anyone that my relationship was less than perfect.

      Coercive control is, as I understand, he controls your thoughts and actions. Knowing that you are not allowed to call the police is such an example.

      Even today, my ex has a level of control over me.

    • #73289
      Sunflowersandstars
      Participant

      I’ve never reported anything- I’ve only spoken to a couple of close friends and my current partner. I can’t bring myself to tell my family never mind strangers. Most of the abuse was emotional and even when physical I only had to attend hospital once and it was so long ago now I don’t think it would even be an option. However I do have some messages saved of him admitting abuse and apologising then being threatening then being apologetic again. I told him if he continued bad mouthing me after I left that I would not keep quiet- I’ve never heard from him since. Good luck in your journey.
      SaS

    • #73341
      teabag
      Participant

      SAS

      My ex was committed of DA on one email
      Saying -he was sorry he hurt his girlfriend. And the judge believed her side of the story.
      I was dating him when he was convicted( long story) My ex was clever and careful not to put things in writing with me,though I have an email admitting his anger. I have texts and emails to his parents highlighting I’m scared and he’s abusing me and then I go onabout what such a difficult time he’s had. ( because I wanted his parents to see that I wasn’t doing this in Anger that I was scared of him,but they disregarded it citing I was just angry)I accepted his abuse on the grounds he was having a terrible time and he was living and so very sorry I betweenall of this.
      So you have every right to go to the police with those emails.
      I’m going to phone WA and finally talk to someone.
      X

    • #73342
      EbonyRaven
      Participant

      Good on you Teabag. x

    • #73464
      Lightness
      Participant

      Hi Teabag

      I reported it to the police ‘when i felt ready’.
      I made a call to the police station first and arranged an appointment with them.
      I wrote down a list of the abuse and took that with me so I didn’t have to verbalise it all.
      I told them that I did not want them to do anything / press charges etc, but that it was purely for Clare’s Law purposes.
      They had a series of questions that they went through with me and they noted the answers.
      That was it.

      Lightness x

    • #73502
      teabag
      Participant

      Lightness.
      You must of felt better after this? It is something I feel I need to do as well but it’s finding the courage to do this. And I still have cognitive dissonance and I imagine the policeclaughing at me. I’m going to put my all the emails together and maybe write a statement. Then I will think about it.
      What kind of questions do they ask.?
      I’m sat here trying to pluck up the courage to call women’s aid and I just can’t do it. Why I’m so frightened I have no idea.
      Thanks for sharing your story.

    • #73571
      ashestobeauty
      Participant

      After talking to the Samaritans, I reported it (detail removed by Moderator) months later.
      It’s been difficult but I’m getting through it. One day at a time. Xx

    • #73572
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Thank you @Lightness, that sounds as if I could actually do that. 💜💜

    • #73685
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Rights of women describes what happens if you wish to know the procedure before doing anything.

    • #73791
      Peacethroughhealing
      Participant

      Teabag I am trying to make this decision at the moment. I found out very recently that my partner has been convicted previously for domestic abuse. I found this out through Claire’s Law. I had no idea anything would come up and I am devastated. I have been so low for the past few weeks now and now I feel so angry and don’t want him to get away with what he has done but the problem is there were no witnesses and his family will back him to the hilt and said that I was as much to blame. I was always so close to his mum and spent hours supporting her over her son. The weekend after the incident I called and called his phone and called his mum and text her continuously which I know can look like harassment and I am worried that I go to the police and both sides are dragged up and I don’t feel strong enough at the moment to go forward with everything but at the same time I am very angry and want him to be punished for what he put me through. We work in the same industry, he knows where I live, where my parents live, he knows a lot about my life because I trusted him and would have spent my life with him. I need to seriously think about what I want to do. What if I’m not believed and his family side with him and he gets away with it and I end up looking bad?

    • #73792
      Peacethroughhealing
      Participant

      The police have told me that for things to go on record he would need to be arrested and I go to the police to make a formal statement.

    • #73835
      InHope
      Participant

      Teabag. This is a really interesting and emotional thread to read. I am in awe of all of your strength, I really am. I’m (detail removed by moderator) feeling volnerable and worried for my LO, while he’s just sitting back laughing at the system. The police were great initially, they went through a risk assessment with me and it wasn’t as daunting as I thought it would be. But I do still think that emotional abuse should be taken more seriously. I think I’ve made the right decisions about getting extra support for our LO, but because of the years and years of ridicule and control I’m constantly doubting myself. I have to read my diary to remember… Yes I WAS abused! I AM important! And it is NOT acceptable to treat your partner that way! At the same time I’ve found it hard work that anyone takes you seriously when you have no bruises, ‘only’ emotional abuse. Where’s the proof?
      I stayed with him for so many years because I was petrified of the repercussions of leaving him. Once I left, those threats became reality and life was awful for some time, but do you know what, I still wish I had done it sooner and saved my LO years of ‘learning’ this was normal behaviour. Once the ‘cats out of the bag’ I found I couldn’t stop talking about it to friends and family, although they’d seen and heard enough to know he was nasty, it was a relief to be able to go into detail, but yes I can understand that it’s embarrassing to admit to the ‘dirty word’ or that you’ve allowed the abuse to go on. I wish I HADN’T avoided my own LO when the partner was around – I avoided so much because I didn’t want to hear the shouting and criticism and argue in front of LO.
      Things are getting better now I feel like I can breathe again and be momma again and be me again. I’ve missed me.
      Although I’m a victim, I chose not to act like one. (This mantra works some days).
      Try keeping a diary. Start building up your own life. Save some money if you can and make a plan, be ready for it.
      Talking to the NCDV and Women’s Aid has been a life saver. The Samaritans are great listeners too. I wish someone had told me years ago to speak to these organisations, but I found it hard to admit to myself what sort of relationship I was in. Just reading and typing on here a few times has helped me too, I don’t feel so alone. Coming to a forum like this is a big step you’ve taken, one of many in the right direction.

    • #73857
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      The seventh time he pinned me against a wall/door with his hands round my throat choking me and banging my head repeatedly.

      As soon as he dropped his hands I grabbed the phone and called the police.

      When he heard me on the phone, his ‘uncontrollable’ rage vanished in an instant and he slunk into the sitting room in the dark and curled up on the sofa to wait.

      What do you know? A cowardly bully who knew what he was doing all along!

      We’d started a new life in a new place with a lovely new house and I was the sole breadwinner and I just wasn’t going to have any more of it, so I simply took control.

      Wish I’d done it the very first time.

      Flower x

    • #73989
      teabag
      Participant

      Peacethroughealing

      Why are you concerned of harassment? Have I got this right- an incident happened and you reached out to his mum for support?
      It doesn’t matter what his family say . My ex could kill someone and his parents would still tell him it’s not his fault.
      You don’t say what he did or if there’s a repeated behaviour?
      Stay away from him and if he comes near you tell him you will go to the police or go to the police and if nothing it will warn him off. X

    • #74229
      Gatita
      Participant

      I reported him back in (detail removed by moderator) after his solicitor dared me to. Now I have him on oath in court trying to deny the abuse which a judge didn’t fall for and upheld that he has been extremely abusive.

    • #74230
      teabag
      Participant

      Gatita.
      More power to you. Well done.

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