When do you feel normal again?

[Notsurewhattowrite]

My relationship with my partner ended (detail removed by moderator). He was verbally and physically abusive for almost (detail removed by moderator). Half the time he didn’t even say sorry afterwards, it just got brushed under the carpet. I tried to end it several times, he would remove my car keys , prevent me from leaving etc. I’d gotten used to a pattern of making sure I only spoke about things that wouldn’t cause upset, him getting angry over something anyway, then treading on egg shells to try and ensure it didn’t turn physical.

One of the many sources of conflict was that I would ask for love, kisses etc. He always had a reason why it wasn’t the right time (busy / comfy etc). When he did show me any affection it was usually when he needed something.

It was his choice to end things – I now feel completely lost. I’m not a drug user, but the feelings I am experiencing seem to be like someone who would be recovering from addiction. Is this part of the process and how long does it last? I’m shaking, feel sick, can’t eat, very tearful.

All I can think of are the good bits (which were only at the start when he was pretending to be everything I’d ever dreamed of). Why are the bad and painful experiences I’ve been through not making me feel glad to be out of this… nothing makes sense.

Any words of wisdom as to how long this will last would be greatly appreciated xxxx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

I felt exactly like you did and you’re right, it’s like going cold turkey from a drug. I felt the exact same, I had the shakes, I craved him despite being scared of him, was terrified, yet devastated. It’s an awful, awful thing to go through. My ex also did the withholding affection thing, they just seem to want a very clinical sort of sex with zero affection. Horrible.

What helped me was writing a list of every single abusive thing he did I could remember, and reading it daily or multiple times a day if I forgot and went back to pining.

It takes time but it gets a lot, lot better. You just have to trust the healing process, read about abuse to understand the dynamic, join support groups, do hobbies, concentrate on your goals, improve self care and bit by bit, day by day it gets better. There’s lots of great youtube videos about recovering from abuse, they’ll come up if you do a search. I used to watch them daily, put them on whilst getting dressed etc. It was like having wise friends with me every day.

To be honest it took me about 2 years to feel like I was over him, but that initially stage of shaking etc goes quickly, just a few weeks. After a few weeks I started going walking, started doing my hobby again. I was still crying a lot but it was easier than when I first left. Then slowly I just kept building up from there. Someone on here said something like at first it’s like a gaping wound with blood gushing out, then it’s like an open wound, then it’s a sore red closed wound, then it’s an obvious scar before finally being a smooth fully healed scar. I thought that was a good analogy. Each stage is slow but you have to go through it to get through it and you’re always progressing even if it doesn’t feel like it.

One huge positive is, there is a thing called post traumatic growth as well as ptsd. You’ll learn massive life lessons from going through this which you can use to make your life a million times better.
Keep sharing and looking after yourself, you’re not alone and we all understand here.

[Notsurewhattowrite]

Thank you – this helps. I never told any family or friends what had been happening as I didn’t want them to think badly of him / make me leave (I know how stupid I am), they are all very confused about the relationship ending. I don’t know how much to tell people.

I am physically having to stop myself from contacting him – I barely slept last night. (detail removed by moderator)

I’ll have a look at the YouTube suggestions as that sounds helpful. I’d been looking at abuse online for a while – I think he was a n********t. To a tee – from the love bombing at the beginning , to the emotional & physical side, even the disgard phase at the end.

I am wishing the week away as i know I’ll start to feel stronger then xx

Thank you for your help & I hope you are ok XX

[Chunkydunk]

Hi, I have been out a few months now and it’s been a rollercoaster of a ride. It’s so very lonely & you have constant memories of him in your head good & bad. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of dragging myself through the the pain. I was told yesterday he is on holiday abroad with his new woman, he wanted me to know. Still vile to the core! It certainly is like a drug addiction you do know how bad it is for you yet you still crave it. I do understand now how difficult it is to work through I never expected to feel so bad. The ladies here help so much & they are right it’s good to educate yourself on why you feel this way. You are not alone. Take care x

[Notsurewhattowrite]

Thank you – I’ve told some of my friends today, they were all very shocked as I’d kept everything so private – but they’ve all been so supportive.

Definitely vile to the core, he will just do the same to her.

When I met my ex, he told me his ex was crazy and told me so many stories, by last summer I completely understand why she had done all that she had, to get away from him. And now he will probably do it to someone else very soon, I don’t think he has ever had a break of more than 4 weeks between relationships!!

I wish I had spoken out sooner , but very glad I am doing now. Xx

[Chunkydunk]

It’s surprising how supportive people are once you open up & speak out but that is difficult at first as we are so used to covering for them. My ex was exactly the same lied about his passed relationships & lied about pretty much everything else. He went straight into this new relationship & of course after the initial love bombing history will repeat itself. He has spent a lifetime being an abuser he can’t keep up the charm for long. We all feel stupid for putting up with it but we held out for the dream of the life we wanted & hoped for, the one he told you you would have in the beginning. It is hard to process what we have put up with but as ladies on here have said it gets better but it’s a bumpy ride at first. Be kind to yourself x

[Timeandtide]

It’s hard. Feel exactly the same. It’s been a few weeks since I last spoke to him. (detail removed by moderator) I Feel so devastated by it. And yet, rationally I know that I don’t want to be with him, that he scares, that he would do it all over again as he never showed real remorse. But emotionally, I’d have him back in a heartbeat. And I think that’s what the struggle is.

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