When does contact stop?

[Anonymous]

My ex is still trying to call daily, just for a chat.
If I don’t answer he calls my eldest daughter and asks her what I’m doing, who I’ve seen that day.
I have asked her not to tell him but it puts her on a spot so not easy for her.
I asked him to stop calling and he just doesnt see it as a problem, wants me to go over exactly why I’ve left him. Any thing i say he will just say ‘well what about you – you did things too’.
Just can’t seem to get through to him we are over and there is no coming back from this now.

[Anonymous]

He last said to me I must be leaving him because I’ve met someone else or maybe I’m a Lesbian now!! He just can’t accept it was his behaviour that has split us up. I do accept my behaviour in the end was not good either – but I had well and truly had enough of being verbally insulted and put down. He was constantly telling me no one would want me I’m fat now and my body has been savaged by childbearing, so how can I have met someone else?!!

[Anonymous]

The other thing is he is convinced we were happy in lockdown and he wasn’t really violent towards me. The truth was he was happier as I couldn’t go out was just with him all the time and I just let so much go for the sake of the kids. I didn’t want to spend the whole time arguing so I did what I could to make him happy. But there was still some violence and forced sex when they were in the next room, and I couldn’t go on anymore. I put up with him for nearly (detail removed by moderator) I think the love just drained away.

[KIP.]

Change your number. He’s simply carrying on abusing you post separation. Gaslighting you and playing mind games. Any contact you allow he will abuse. What he’s doing is child abuse. It’s extremely damaging to use children in this way. Are you in touch with women’s aid?

[Anonymous]

Yes I have been in touch with my local womens aid, they initially suggested an injunction but as he left I didn’t think it was necessary. Now I’m not so sure, just dont know hoe else I can get it through to him. Feel bad for my daughters in this situation they are still very keen to see him and spend time and don’t understand why they shouldn’t tell him what I’m doing x

[sweet4]

HI MeAgain.
Yesterday, i was getting constant texts, i still love you, i dont want a divorce.
Today, same again, texts, texts and more texts, i just blocked him.
The Conroling Abuse, is awful, then i got a call from my daughter, dad is crying, he does not want a divorce.
Tough, explained again, i am now trying to make a life for myself. i have no money, i cant affored to pay the lawyer etc, yawn yawn yawn, oh yes, we will be happy when we move to (detail removed by moderator), been listening to that for (detail removed by moderator).
They are good at what they do.
Be strong, i know its hard. xx

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi meagain, it’d awful when they use kids to get to us. I have stopped responding to him, and also stopped telling my child things so they are not stuck in the middle, ie if they know nothing, no information can be extracted. I have also been trying to educate my child in relationships and how you should treat someone and expect to be treated in the hope through this they will see what he is doing is not right or normal. Unfortunately they have a bond with him, and will only accept how he really is when they see for themselves. In the meantime I will love and protect as best I can. I have also encouraged my child to speak with a Councillor at school as this has been provided due to lockdown. I generalised this as their age and stage and encouraged that its good to talk, its confidential etc as I also know my child will keep things to themselves to protect me. It’s very difficult as a mother to see your child be used in this way especially when they don’t understand why.
Sending hugs to u x

[Living Warrior]

Good morning, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. I am currently going through this, although I’m a bit further on in my journey. I have court orders in place. (Detail removed by moderator) He used this contact to ask the children about me which upset them. So I contacted my solicitor and she stopped contact sending him a letter and stating no contact until courts say otherwise.

I kept a log of every message, email, text call logs I also kept screen shots of all messages etc to prove what I was saying.
You can search harrassment incident logs on google for template ideas.
The more information about an incident the better because you may think it’s ok now (as I did) a year after I left things kicked off big style and I was so grateful for my logs (detail removed by moderator) escalation in his calls and texts and what led to harrassment and stalking later on.
Good look with your journey.
Stay safe. Happy to help if you need anything further.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for your messages. He called my daughter again(detail removed by moderator) and asked her to put it on video, then asked her to show me on the video as he wanted to see me. He’s saying to her he only wants to talk (detail removed by moderator) so it comes across like I’m being unreasonable. He’s asking her who I talk to(detail removed by moderator) and when she says the person he says(detail removed by moderator). He always slagged off anyone i managed to make freinds with and made me feel like I didn’t want to be freinds with them . I relize now it was probably to isolate me so I would only spend time with him. He would justify it because he chose not to see any of his freinds, saying he would rather just be at home with us. Its very difficult I do try and not tell the kids anything but my primary school aged children will tell him anything he asks. I’ve had to say to the oldest if she puts me on video again I will have to confiscate her phone but makes me feel bad it’s not her fault xx

[Eggshells]

Well, that’s a good rule for life. There are rules with phones and videoing anyone without their permission should be discouraged. She may be able to relate better if you based it on her own experience. I’m pretty sure she will have fallen out with her friends from time to time. Perhaps ask her how it would make her feel if someone that she didn’t get on with very well kept asking about her and wanting to see video of her. It might help her to understand why it is so difficult for you. Make it clear that the phone is so that she can stay in touch with her Dad and to tell him about herself and her day.

Unfortunately, contact only stops when you make it stop. That means blocking him on everything and making sure that your daughter understands that she needs to respect your right to privacy in the same way that she would want you to respect hers.

[Neueranfang]

Hello,
I’m in the exact same position.I left my abusive Ex a month ago and he hasn’t stopped harassing me.This week has been very stressful.I blocked him on everything but he got himself a second phone and is now leaving messages on my voicemail.He is calling with ‘NO caller ID’.He is also sending me hundreds of abusive emails day and night and he is making threats.When my son calls him he tells him to put mummy on and asks about me.
He is convinced I am with someone/I am lesbian now because he can’t see that I left him because of the abuse.I can’t believe how he can’t see why we are not together and I just want this to stop.Xx

[KIP.]

It’s time to involve the police. His behaviour is escalating and you should be very concerned for your safety. Talk to your local women’s aid and change your phone number and email address and use a third party for contact x

[Author]

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