15th April 2017 at 6:11 pm #40961SunshineRainflowerParticipant
It’s been less than (detail removed by Moderator) since I ended things with my abusive (detail removed by Moderator) ex and I wish I was feeling better than I do. I recognise that I’ve made progress, because initially I was shaking, unable to sleep for days, terrified for my life, thinking he somehow had access to my house and was moving things, felt he was watching me still, was having nightmares, crying all the time and was suicidal.
At the moment I am sleeping a bit better, still waking up around 5am every night with racing depressive anxious thoughts, feel depressed most days for most of the day, crying for a bit each day, I’ve not had a nightmare for a week or so, and have been able to do some normal things each day like go to the gym, do household tasks, go for a walk etc.
I am haunted at the moment remembering this woman’s voice in the background laughing and sort of moaning just before he hung up the phone to me when he was at work. At the time I had no idea he was lying and abusive, I thought it sounded odd but thought there must be a reasonable explanation because I 100% trusted him at the time and he was able to explain it away. But since his true colours have come to light, new memories like this pop up to haunt me as my brain has to re-write the whole relationship and I am thinking of all the other times he was probably cheating and lying now too all the while pretending to care for me and pretending to be honest and faithful.
When I met him I didn’t even like him that much, I’d been out with taller, better looking men and didn’t feel we really clicked. But I gave him a chance because (famous last words) ‘he seemed like a really good guy.’ It absolutely sickens me to think I gave him a chance because he said he really liked me, and he used that chance to lie, cheat, abuse, mock, put down, degrade and threaten me. I just don’t see the justice in it at all. It feels unimaginably cruel. I’m traumatised by how he has treated me. Traumatised to have been involved with someone so evil, like I’ve been to hell and back when I’m just a nice normal person who just hoped for a good, honest boyfriend after being single for a long time.
I just want to feel peace and be able to move on, not tortured by his cruelty. I even feel misplaced delayed jealousy now of him with all these other women that he was probably cheating with. It’s like he pretended to be this lovely guy so I would develop feelings for him and bond, and as soon as I had he set out to do everything in his power to hurt and destroy me. I’ve never been hurt by anyone like this before so it’s a new experience and I just want to know that I won’t feel like this forever, that I will move on and be ok.
Depressingly I even find myself checking my phone each day to see if he has contacted me because I miss the attention and feel lonely, even though I would never break no contact because I know now what a monster he is. I just miss having a boyfriend and someone to message me each day, friends are great but it’s not the same.
I’m doing positive things like journaling, painting, talking to friends and helplines, posting on here, exercising, getting on with things but just wish I could feel better and not feel so tortured and haunted every day by new memories, thoughts and realisations about him that surface. I think I am probably suffering from PTSD and this is one of the symptoms.
15th April 2017 at 6:49 pm #40962SerenityParticipant
You’ve described the beginning, middle and end of the relationship so clearly and very well- you could have been describing mine.
I think we were in touch with evil. The good thing is, we’ve survived. We are stronger than they thought we were.
I think you’re doing the right things- exercising, expression, relaxation. Make sure you have a chance to talk through your experience too, with those who understand. I had to attend counselling and a support group in the early days.
It will get easier. If I compare myself to how I was a year or so ago, there’s a massive difference. I recently drove abroad: I never imagined doing that, as I was left with such bad PTSD, I panicked even going to the supermarket.
You will get better over time, gradually. It won’t always be as intense and acute as it is now. It will go from being a gaping wound to a scab that is uncomfortable, but which you’re not always aware of. Someone told me that, abd it is true. I suppose we need to make sure we get help and care for ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally. Look up Distress Tolerance techniques: I found them really helpful. And keep talking x
15th April 2017 at 8:25 pm #40967WhenwillifindhappinessParticipant
I honestly have no advice but wanted to send a virtual hug and tell you I feel EXACTLY the same as you!! Your not alone my lovely and I believe everything your feeling is normal. I check my phone constantly and social media it’s making me feel crazy but it must get easier right?
15th April 2017 at 9:05 pm #40968starchildParticipant
All I can say is that im hoping that it will get better when the divorce and financial stuff is completed and signed off in court and the agreement facilitated to the end, as until that happens I am still tied.
I totally know what your describing…I also now have PTSD, the cause being maintained in a permanent state of fear and anxiety though psychological, emotional and physical abuse. It manifested itself again in December, after being separated for nearly 4 yrs and dealing with someone who has manipulated the system at every opportunity to drag the process out.
We had to deal with him directly which allowed his communication to not be measured in its content, with requests that it be forwarded to me, via email for comment. This was then followed by a him acquiring new solicitor that did not know the history, and acting on his direction also sent a load of personally critical correspondence complete with starting court proceedings based on untruths …he subsequently retracted.
In respect of the memories i am also having to rewrite my history, i wake up with the feeling of a lead weight on my chest most nights, and the confident person is now no more (see also my other post on having a bad day)
My friendship groups are dwindling as they don’t understand what being trapped in a legal system that wont work for you unless you show the colour of your money is like…they thing you can just either walk away and hand everything over to your abuser ( trust me you cant… you have to justify yourself to housing and benefit services)… or you can just go right im going to take you to court even if you have no money…..going to court is free !!!
meanwhile the whole of my life is on hold until he signs the paperwork… i have been at this point 3 times before, and am again at that point so it can be put before a judge to finish the job …but i am told that there is still more opportunity for him to drag the process out ….
so for me it will only get better once every detail of the order i am still waiting for him to sign has been worked through ……then i can move on: as until then the house i live in, and finacial situation, which underpins all the other aspects of my life and being able to move on and away from where i am now trapped still stand
15th April 2017 at 10:28 pm #40972LightnessParticipant
I relate to what you have written – having to rewrite what happened and seeing the abuse for what it was. It’s REALLY tough at the start. It will get better. Go no contact and then you can start the healing process. You will get your strength, confidence and life back. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but I feel that once we leave we get the chance to improve ourselves and our lives from where they were. We learn and grow a lot, but it is very tough. You might not always notice your progress until those days ahead of you when you look back and realise you’re a little bit better, and then another bit better, and another bit better……and then a lot better. But it can’t be rushed or faked. It takes time. Hopefully you have access to some counselling to help you deal with your feelings. Well done for starting your recovery journey by recognising the truth and posting here.
18th April 2017 at 6:23 pm #41091SunshineRainflowerParticipant
Thanks for your kind replies everyone. I really liked your phrase Serenity:
‘It will go from being a gaping wound to a scab that is uncomfortable, but which you’re not always aware of.’
At the moment I’m definitely at the gaping wound stage, I even have a hot burning pain at the top of my abdomen every day which I can’t work out is emotional or physical, if it doesn’t go soon I will ask my GP. I like the idea of it healing and becoming just a scab, that would be much more manageable.
I thought I was doing better but have had a very bad few days. It’s so much worse because the relationship made me realise my family is abusive. My dad gives me the creeps by staring at my body and not giving me enough personal space and my mum is forever violating my boundaries by moving or throwing out my things and my brother who visits every few months is cold and emotionally abusive. I realise that they part of the reason why I seem to date abusive men (they never seem abusive at first but turn out to be later), with this last man being by far, far the worst.
I have always gone to them for support and minimised and denied how they make me feel partly because I never felt I had much choice as they are family but I just can’t deny it anymore, I keep getting enraged by their behaviour when they violate my boundaries. So in the midst of all of the trauma I’m having to look for jobs and housing whilst feeling suicidal and feel like my life is falling apart. I also have to go to hospital tomorrow as I’m in physical pain with an ongoing condition. Every day I just think ‘what’s the point.’
The only thing that keeps me going is my cat. She is wonderful. If I could find a small safe place for me and my cat to rebuild a life together then that would give me some hope. I’ve been dependent on my family for years and they have discouraged me working so it’s terrifying and I’m confused about budgets and things. I’m not stupid though and I’m educated so I know I can do it, It’s just hard when I’m struggling with all these emotions, memories, burning emotional and physical pain, exhaustion and I can’t think straight.
Serenity I will look up distress tolerance techniques, I hadn’t heard of them before but they sound like they might help, thank you.
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