When he realised I’ll go he suddenly changed-anyone experienced the same?

[Medusa]

Hi
(detail removed by Moderator) ago I finally built up the courage to say I want us to separate. This is despite the fact that he has made some significant changes recently. Over (detail removed by Moderator) we had some very difficult discussions (with and without therapist). First he was aggressive, I was prioritising everything but him, I was overly sensitive and didn’t give him unconditional love nor intimacy. He was therefore miserable and explained his lack of healing around the house with something like why bother if I am not getting any anyway…
The reason we started discussing things was because I reached the end of the road in terms of our relationship. I believe my husband is controlling, manipulative and he’s been verbally abusive to me and our children. I found him intimidating when he got angry. He has never hit me but he has physically overpowering our eldest when he gets panic attacks.

That’s some background. Suddenly he realised that yes he has behaved inappropriately. He agrees with that. He understands now that my withdrawal is related to his behaviour. He stopped shouting, he stared helping out more. He therefore expects everything to be fine now. But I am not fine. We’ve been married for many years and I lost myself, I lost my love for him and I can’t just go ‘wow this new man is amazing’
I also worry that it’s just the shouting that has changed. The need to control is still there. I told him I want to separate, he cannot understand it. How can I do that to the children? What do I want that he can’t give me now? How many men would go through the change he has for the sake of their marriage… etc… I just struggle to feel that he is truly doing this because he loves me, more because he is determined not to lose me.

Has anyone had the same? This sudden change? I feel like I have gone from being told I am ‘the bad one’ for not giving him the attention and the sex he wants to being the ‘bad one’ for not seeing and appreciating his change.

Thank you I feel so totally confused. My mind is a mess of feelings of guilt vs the drive to leave xx

[Kitkat44]

Yes! All of this! Mine says exact the same. It’s so so hard and all part of the keeping us. It doesn’t feel like love to me either. I have spent so long wanting him to acknowledge what he has done and he says he can see it now but it’s to little too late for me.
It’s still shocks me that all these men do and say such similar things.
Sending love xx

[Bananaboat]

Yep! Of course you want out as the fundamental trust in the relationship has finally gone and that’s highly unlikely to come back. Plus it’s an act, he’ll revert to the nasty version at some point, mine does as soon as he realises the nice act isn’t working, for others it might last months/years if lucky but it’ll always come back.

[Grey Rock]

Yes. I gave him another chance lots of times when he ‘changed’. Never lasted. Not sure if he ever intended it to. He couldn’t sustain nice or reasonable for long at a time bless him.

Stay strong.

GR

[Medusa]

Thank you thank you for keeping me on track!

I question myself but in my gut I know I need to proceed with the separation. He has totally distanced himself to this previous self, saying that he understands that our old relationship is dead. What a great way to remove yourself from responsibility. I can’t be upset with him because he is no longer that person.

Very interesting to hear how you have experienced the same. Has calmed down the little devil on my shoulder telling me I am wrong and exaggerating.

Xx

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse x the power and control wheel x read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft x

[liftingthefog]

I am currently in a similar situation although we will now divorce as along with a great deal of other very extreme controlling behaviour there have been serious physical assaults.
I spent £12 to complete the Freedom Programme and it really was the best £12 I have ever spent in terms of helping me to understand the treacle and never ending lies and manipulation that an abuser will use.
Have a look if you haven’t already.
Now that I have been forced to look clearly at berything I just now feel incredibly sad and hurt at all the wasted emotional energy trying to fix something that is very difficult if not impossible to.
Keep safe
Xx

[Kitkat44]

@medusa mine too has said it’s clear our marriage is dead. And suggested we need to just look forward now OMG I’m so glad you mentioned this. It didn’t occur to me that he was trying to absolve from responsibility but it’s so obvious.
Xx

[Eyesopening]

@medusa & @kitkat44, wow yes, this is something that happened to me in the past also. It’s crazy how months down the line after leaving, there are still things that suddenly occur to me. Mostly that happens when I am reading other peoples posts on here.
But yes, after any big fallout he would do the same, he would say let’s start fresh, put the past behind us. I got good at letting things go. I had to.
Crazy how they are so similar, really is creepy.
x*x

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