When is it abuse and when is it just a bad match?

[Bluechicken]

I am curious as to when a relationship is actually abusive or when it’s just seems that way as you are both just expecting different things from eachother? I have just left a short relationship that has left me feeling so broken and doubting myself that I did the right thing, if I was abused or if maybe I’m the abusive one.

I left as I know what I’m willing to put up with yet every time he’d beg and I’d be back. I think it was a real addiction as I have been a single mother for (detail removed by moderator) years and this guy seemed too good to be true.

I wrote a list of things that had happened that ended up being a 3000 word essay. A few things were little comments like

“I only invited you to this (detail removed by moderator) out of of politeness”
Hearing how his ex knew how to satisfy him.
Pressuring me into doing things in bed I didn’t want to do then comparing me not wanting to with him not wanting to meet my friends yet. Also asking if we will always be boring in bed but also and that I should do things for my partner if he asks.
Committing to plans for Christmas then telling me he isn’t going now because he is now going to spend it with someone else.
Hardly looking at me when I went to his work to surprise him.
(Detail removed by moderator).

The list goes on. And there were so many red flags. I’d leave and he would have organised something like a weekend away to get me back.

I haven’t done relationship for a while so I’m not too familiar with how much people can mess up. But I’m sure usually you sit and talk to your partner when they tell you things are hurting them instead of saying “you are just being negative” or “overthinking”.

We talked on and off for almost (detail removed by moderator) after we broke up. I’d not talk and be getting on with things and he’d appear again. Be wonderful and offer to help me if I needed. Say he misses my kisses. But would remind me how I hurt him so much by leaving him so many times so we wont ever get back together. He said he admits he never opened up to me and committed because he needed security which I never gave him. Maybe that’s true… but it was because he was hurting me or not respecting me. Maybe I should have stuck it out. But I don’t think he would have ever changed. From all I have read it sounds like covert abuse? (detail removed by moderator) I was infactuated and idealized him. He is a good looking charming man and would often say if he was only wanting one thing (a visa or sex) then there were easier ways as I have been hard work and he has had to fight for me.
(Detail removed by moderator) He never wanted to talk things through and build our friendship. Just get physical.

I don’t think I was unreasonable to say I wanted him to change but couldn’t expect someone to change and thats why I left. Is that abusive of me? He once said I should have made my man feel secure and like the only one.. which I thought I did. I just wasn’t ever enough… but then I guess he could say the same to me.

I just wonder if I’ve over analyzed things… after all… I do tend to “over think”

[KIP.]

You escaped an abusive controlling relationship. The fact that your doubting yourself is because abusers cause such confusion, it’s crazy making behaviour. There’s another thread on here about Gaslighting. Well done for spotting the red flags. Women’s Aid to a great course called the Freedom Programme. You might also want to read Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven. Abusers chip away at our self esteem and confidences. Please cease all contact with this man. Abusers are often cheaters too. They like to string along victims, keep,them hooked in. It’s easier to hook in an old victim than break in a new one. There’s no reasoning with him. Please go zero contact. Send him a message and be firm that you do not wish any further contact from him and it will be viewed as harassment if he continues. You might also want to speak to your local women’s aid about safety. Don’t underestimate him. He hasn’t taken no for an answer in the past and I doubt he will start now so you have to be firm and not afraid to call the police if he persists x

[Tiffany]

Seconding KIP here. Narrow escape. He was definitely abusive. Go no contact and your mind will slowly settle back to normal. The doubts about your ability to have a reasonable relationship are because of his behaviour making you doubt yourself, not because you are unreasonable.

[maddog]

Well done for getting out. You have recognised the red flags for what they are. You have recognised that he won’t change. Hold your head high! It is very easy to doubt and over-think. He sounds horrible, absolutely grim. You absolutely cannot hold yourself responsible for his behaviour. You weren’t there when he became like this. As KIP and Tiffany say, one to avoid like the plague. Do not be afraid to report him to the police if he doesn’t leave you alone.

[Bluechicken]

Thank you ladies. I should clarify he never got violent. When I say physical I mean he would think sex would fix it all. Maybe that’s the whole trauma bonding thing?
Thank you for confirming what I think I knew but was doubting. It did feel sometimes like a well rehearsed game.
He actually asked me to stop contacting him. After I told him that if he really wanted to help me he would disappear because he thought for me to move on we had to make peace so I dont hate him…(his ego hated me thinking he was a bad guy perhaps). He did stop contacting me But then I had panic attacks and messaged and he was the one to say he was sick of the same conversation. I guess he was back in control so happy now. Ah well… and he can have that if it means he has gone. Its been (Detail removed by Moderator). I feel better already.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi bluechicken, my husband thinks sex fixes everything. It doesn’t all it does is eventually make you feel cheap and used. We always did makeup sex, its like he was showing me he loved me but all i felt was used. Im still with him and our sex life is nearly non existent. He says the right things,I’ve missed this, thats good isnt it. Ive become very good at being non committal. Moving my hands to the right places making app noises, but i am not in the moment. I usually feel im looking down on us. Men can have sex with a hole in the floor, women need a connection. To have sex with someone you no longer love is soul destroying. They prove time and time again they dont love us, as always after sex, youve let your heart open and next day the wall you were carefully building is bulldozed by their throwaway remarks, accusations or actions. Thats how we’re bonded to them. They traumatise us then think sex will make it okay. It doesnt, it just messes everything up even more.

[KIP.]

The longer you have no contact the easier it becomes to see his games. Can you block his number as these men are prone to random contact when they’re looking to re engage with a victim. Just when you think you’ve seen the last of them and are getting on with life. They just get in touch like nothing’s happened.

[Bluechicken]

Oh wait. It’s only been (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks. Amazing how hard this has been. I feel so silly and weak. Yet also so strong.
KIP I liked your point about it being easier to string along an old victim than hook a new one. And I have little doubt he cheated. He would delete all messages off his phone and would be hesitant to put anything about us on social media. Plus I caught him out on small lies… if you can lie that easily and casually about small things I’m sure you can big things.

Glad I’m not just difficult or the one with issues.

[lover of no contact]

Gosh well done. You have got out quick despite the ‘honeymoon phase’ where they say and do nice things. This is part of the nasty/nice cycle which is head-wrecking. Nasty/nice, nasty/nice. No wonder we feel confused and doubting ourselves. Yes it is a well rehearsed game. Well done he couldn’t pull the wool over your eyes for long. And you sound very strong to let go of the intoxicating affects of when they ‘act/pretend’ to love and care for us us. They don’t. They only care about feeling the Powerful one in the relationship. Google the Power and Control ‘ wheel and ‘the Cycle of Abuse’.

Knowledge is Power. Keep posting on here if you can as you got out quickly and noticed the red flags very quickly. It took me a decade and a half to get to where you are now.

Abusive personalities are good at their game , are very good ‘actors/actresses’ and are master manipulators. Give yourself a pat on the back for making yourself end it and going No Contact with him.

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