when kids are involved…

[Handmethecoffee]

So I’m new here, i’ve never posted before or relly spoken about any of this to anyone.
My partner and I are in a very unhealthy relationship.
He actively ignores me and refuses to do his fair share with our son – sounds petty right? 🙁
He ignores me, so i repete myself untill i get a response, or he everyually gets out of bed at 2pm to help with his poorly child. But when he finlly gets up he explode with agression because ive ‘mithered’ him?
He can pin me against walls and threaten me whilst im holding our baby (And I do not condone that type of behaviour in front of a childer, OR ATALL!)
(detail removed by moderator), he pulled my onto the bed, kicked my head and held me down whilst he tried to break my arm – all whilst i was holding our baby!

I know I need to get out, but my question is, how? I dont want to report this because I dont want my so to ever have to know or believe that happened, id rather protect him from it all whilst hes so young and I can.
But at the same time, I dont trust him with our son?

I’m currently studying for my degree full time, he believe that doesnt count s work when im out the house 60+ hours a week. so I have to sort the house and the baby alone. He holds the mortgage payments against me as if hes doing me a favour? when actually I pay all the bills and dont have a penny left over.

I want to stay in our home, me and my son but i cant buy him out right now as a student. Am I stuck in this?

[KIP.]

No you are not stuck in this. Womens aid can help you work out a safe exit plan. Ive read alot about how abusers often get worse after the birth of a child. Mind did. What he is doing to you is illegal and dangerous for both you and your child. Womens aid can offer you a place in a refuge until you can sort things out legally. First step is to ring the helpline number on here for friendly advice with no pressure at all. They will tell you what options you have. If you report, record the abuse then you may get a non molestation order theough the civil courts to have him removed from the home. Alternatively, if there is enough evidecne then the police can arrest him and give him bail conditions to stay away. I hope you report any violence to your GP who can help you and note your injuries for future. He sounds very very dangerous and abuse always gets worse. Dont tell him you plan to leave as they are very dangerous when we try to leave. Its important that you reach out for help. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour and photos of your injuries. You deserve better and so does your child x

[Handmethecoffee]

Thank you for your response x

[Handmethecoffee]

When I talk to him about what he does, he actively denies everything and calls me a liar.
Its so confusing because i know ecactly what he does, but i guess hes trying to make a point that I cant ever proove it. So what do i do?

I dont want charges against him, because (detail removed by moderator) will one day know. And he wants us to split up too – so thats ok in a sense… I just know hes going to make me out to be a liar. I cant backdate evrery single time something has happened, do you think it will matter if i just jot a few?

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome,

Also keep reading the posts on here daily and post as you need. The information and knowledge you gain from this Forum will be priceless and will strengthen you to leave. Its one of the hardest things to leave an abusive relationship. He won’t want to let you go as he gets a buzz out of hurting you. He needs you more than you need him. You can survive eventually without him when you have dealt with all your feelings and emotions on here with us. However he needs the feeling of Power he gets from hurting you. He is addicted to this feeling of Power. He will not want to expend energy looking for another intimate partner to abuse as he has spent time, energy and money getting you to where he can control and hurt you.
However ultimately you are stronger than he is although you may find that hard to believe now. You can go on to live a good, happy life with your children free from abuse. He however is stuck with himself for his life-time. He will never change. He will spend his life trying to have the upper hand with everyone and hurting them in the process and not caring.

Keep posting.

[KIP.]

They are accomplished liars. Google cycle of abuse. Google gaslighting in abuse. Read ‘Living with thr Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Educate yourself on abusive behaviour. Ring the helpline number on here for a chat. Keeping a journal is good for you when he lies and tries to confuse you. Speak to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice. Also you can ring Rights for Women for free legal advice x

[Lisa]

Dear Handmethecoffe,

I hope that you can manage to phone the helpline at a safe time. I am very concerned about your situation. The abuse that you are experiencing is putting you and your baby at risk. You are both not safe to be there and his violence is so serious that you can not guarantee that you can keep your little one safe. The fact that he was trying to break your arm and kick you while you were holding the baby could very easily have harmed your little one. I am not trying to frighten you and I want you to know that none of this is your fault but please do get some help. The best route would be to phone the helpline and then to phone the police and then social services to disclose everything to them. They will work with you for you to keep your little one safe and away from your abuser. I know it sounds very overwhelming and scary but please try to remember that your partner is very much choosing to abuse you and that Police and Social Services (or your health visitor if you would rather) would be as a result of his actions and not yours. Please do not let him know that you are thinking of leaving him or getting support as this could be a very dangerous time for you.

We are all here for you. Please let us know what you decide to do and how we can help you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Alicenotichains]

Handmethecoffee,

Well done for posting. Your situation sounds like being in hell- you brain must be frazzled.
I would phone the police and report him and accept every bit of help you are offered. His abuse could escalate and he could seriously harm you or your child. The best you can do for your child is to phone the police and tell them everything that has happened. Do not tell your partner that you are ending the relationship or phoning police as he will escalate his behaviour as he feels like he is losing control. You need to get to safety, make the call and then not go back.
I was reluctant to involve police after an attack but eventually i told the truth and told them everything and now I am much safer and the relationship is over. For some reason I could not see how much danger I was in. I was so numb. My kids are happier and more relaxed and I am glad I put them first. No child should see their mother being physically or emotionally abused.
You can totally do this, you will look back on all of this one day and be proud of how strong you are being. Posting here is a massive step. Sending you positive thoughts!!

Alice x

[Author]

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