- This topic has 1 reply, 2 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I think my partner is controlling and manipulative but very subtly. He fixates obsessively on how things should be done and then bullies me with criticism and blame of how I do everything. I try to be reasonable and agree how to do things in future but he twists every interaction into one of blame and criticism of past decision and actions, even about trivial things. It’s exhausting and I am filled with dread. It sounds trivial, but it is making every day of our lives horrible. I’m also massively distracted from my job, to the point of getting very behind which is causing me more worry.
I have decided to end the relationship, in my head, on several occasions. But whenever I resolve to do this it’s like he notices a shift in my behaviour and behaves differently, and I come to doubt myself. I can’t seem to maintain a clear enough view of the situation to actually end things. I’m also very worried about him, and I feel sorry for him, which also clouds my judgement. I don’t feel like I can end the relationship, but I have a very bad feeling about it. I’m worried that after years of being unhappy, if I don’t end it I’ll be unhappy for many more years.
-
Hi Enrose
I could have written this a couple of years ago.
And a number of occasions through our relationship.
Can I suggest that He’ll get over it if you split but if you stay your both going to be unhappy until things get so much worse that you go anyway. Alternatively If he’s happy making you unhappy then he doesn’t deserve your worry.
You know what you need to do because you said you’ve decided in your head.
The constant criticism leaves you a bag of nerves and you loose your sense of self you become a poor extension of your partner (or you try to do as he would but never seem to get it right) you deserve to be yourself and trust your own decisions (the fact he keeps manipulating you out of your own decision illustrates the control he has). When you decide you do act differently more assertive etc but they see it before you make the actual move and adjust accordingly.
Mine said he wanted me to be more assertive like I used to be and I decided to stay and try to be assertive as it must be me. However I pointed out I was being more assertive and a new me but he shot me down by telling me I wasn’t really it was an act and spoke as if I was being pathetic/childish.
But most times like you I would decide I wasn’t taking anymore and he would then seem like he realised this was it and become all understanding and trying to listen/put things right.
He did seem to change but looking back now he just changed some tactics to bully me in a different way.
I’m out now after over 2decades and it’s amazing how I’m finding myself again. I need not have felt sorry for him now I see what he was doing to me and the revenge he has taken when I’ve broken free.
Have a leaving plan and talk through a safety plan not just for physical safety but also emotional and financial.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
