When sons grow up

[cakepops]

My son is still relatively young, but as he grows he looks increasingly like his dad. I was wondering how those of you with older male children (teenagers or adults) cope if you have children that look similar to your abuser? I’m hoping it won’t be an issue, but would like to know how others have felt about it.

[maddog]

My children are teenagers and I don’t really think that either of them look particularly like him although occasionally I see a familiar likeness.
All children are completely new people with their own personalities and identities. They’re a patchwork, as we all are, of all the family who came before. There will be people on both sides of the family who’ve gone wrong, and plenty who are very normal.

We can only do our best to impose boundaries for behaviour and remind them when they misbehave that it is inappropriate and misguided.

It’s horrible when our children go through phases of being a mini-me of the abuser. We can only do our best to maintain our boundaries and hope they don’t develop a permanent habit of the dark side.

[KIP.]

It wasn’t the look it was the mannerisms and attitude that triggered me badly. Watch out for copycat behaviour x

[Anonymous]

Hi Cakepops. My son is still young too so I don’t have experience to speak from. But one thing that struck me was that if he’s already looking like his dad and it’s not causing you any issues now then there’s a good likelihood that it won’t necessarily trigger anything significant later on… not sure if that’s helpful or not. If you do notice this causes you distress later then I’m sure you will be able to find a positive way to work through it x

[cakepops]

Thanks for the comments.

Kip – you’ve actually made a really good point. Its actually the look in his eyes sometimes that does it more than the overall physical appearance. I’m dealing with a lot of copycat behaviour from both of my children and its really really hard. My youngest is physically aggressive towards me, my oldest has grown out of that but I’m seeing a lot of emotionally manipulative behaviour.

[Wants To Help]

I have this too. My son is now an adult and he looks like his Dad. A few years ago he did one of those ageing photos on an app and I actually took a gasp of disbelief – it could have been his Dad! He sent the photo to his grandparents and they thought it was their own son! He also has some of the inherited mannerisms, – and oh yes, that look in his eye when he wants his own way… a carbon copy.

I dealt with it by telling him I wasn’t standing for it. He knows what his Dad is like and he doesn’t like it (he’s witnessed the abuse) so rightly or wrongly, I’d tell him I no longer accepted his Dad behaving that way towards me and I won’t accept it from him. He’s also manipulative, which I’m very aware of, so I be careful with how much I will do to help him in some situations and how much I have to let him help himself. He has become very ‘entitled’ just lately and I don’t like this.

I love him to bits, but I think he’s got more of his dad’s genes in him than mine. This time I see it and I don’t fall for it. Besides all that, we get on great 🙂

[nbumblebee]

I have 3 and whilst my oldest is nothing like his dad my (detail removed by Moderator)yr old is and i can see some not so nice similarities poking through and im trying hard to push them back down i will not allow a child of mine to treat women as their dad does.
My youngest also like to put me down at every opportunity we are very close and share alot so i am hoping in time this will pass i do explain to him about how huryful words can ne and that he must build others up not put them down but how hard it is when all dad does is put me down day after day. This is hard. X

[Author]

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