When the worst abuse happened a long time ago

[LavenderLilly]

The worst abuse in my marriage happened when I was pregnant and in the first few years after my children were born. It was a terrible time and I’ll never forgive or forget how he treated me and the awful names he called me/threatened me etc. Now my children are much older and he’s “mellowed” somewhat. The incidents are further apart and although still unforgivable the things he’s said, they are not as bad in comparison to how he used to be.

All trust has gone and I’m planning to leave him (without him knowing) but the times between the horrible behaviour are long, (detail removed by Moderator) months now since his last outburst and everything has been so calm and peaceful.

It feels like if I was to leave right now it would seem so unreasonable as he’s been so nice if that makes sense?

He says I hold onto grudges and my punishment of him far outweighs his crimes.

It’s so difficult as he expects loads of affection, he gazes at me like a love sick puppy and constantly touches me. It’s like my body knows he’s bad news and flinches when he gets close.

Has anyone been through similar? Where the worst stuff happened years ago? Makes me think why did I not leave then and why years and years later??

 

[LavenderLilly]

Thank you for reading if you’re got this far!

[NopeNope]

I’m having a similar experience to you; in a long-term relationship where the abuse started (detail removed by Moderator) months into the relationship. I didn’t leave when it first started because I didn’t understand that it was emotional abuse and not just my partner having a bad day (I was younger and used to think that domestic abuse was only physical). However, over the years the abuse has shifted and become more physical, and that’s what opened my eyes. Like you, I’ll never be able to forget or forgive all the things he did years ago.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect, no amount of abuse is ever acceptable. You’re not being unreasonable in wanting to leave now, you’re entitled to put yourself first. The only unreasonable thing is that he ever abused you in the first place!

[Sogo1234]

I don’t have kids with my boyfriend but I can really relate to this. The abuse is less frequent now and I’m starting to question whether it is that bad, and if I’m part of the problem and no one else will deal with me. I will never forget or forgive the things he has done and when things are good I can’t completely relax and enjoy it..

I really relate to your comment “it’s like my body knows he’s bad news”. My body isn’t calm around my bf and I know it’s not good for me to be in this relationship long term, as I already feel like I’ve changed for the worst in it, but I can’t bring myself to end it or leave. I love him still but also I despise him at times. But then I feel so bad for feeling like that because he has looked after me during a long surgery recovery.  I also have the thoughts of why didn’t I leave earlier or when he’d done X or y… It’s hard. You’re not alone.

[Better-days]

Hi hunni I am in a similar position. I can relate to all your saying especially when he touches and you flinch that’s me. The worse of him was long ago but my kids r young and he’s been horrible to my oldest a few times and I have now decided I need out I tried a few years ago and he got very nasty saying the kids will be staying with him and he will destroy me if I take them so when I do leave it will have to be like you without him knowing. And yeah this could also be when things are good which will make me feel guilty but what’s done can’t be undone Like (detail removed by moderator) I was working he had kids took them for treats when I came home there was no cross words from anyone in house we were all having a laugh. But not everyday is like that. I also don’t know why I got here and never ran away long ago. I don’t have much advice u are not alone tho I hope u are ok I don’t know your housing situation but there are people out there who can help with housing ect when the time is right for u. Go at your own pace you will know when it’s the right time. Keep posting stay strong xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey. Ive been married over 2 decades. Ive had years of no abuse throughout that time and actually i never had my eyes opened till 3 years ago, but last year was the absolute worst. Since (detail removed by Moderator) this year nothing again.  But yet I still live in fear i have that tightness in my tummy that dread. I still want to leave yet I just cant. I believe its how they keep hold of us its why we stay. If we saw earlier if they were mean 24/7 others would see and we would be able to get help easier maybe. None of this is easy none of this has a right or wrong we do what we can to stay safe and sane. Dont beat yourself up theres enough of that being done to you. What you need to do is be kind to yourself. Read, learn and talk to those you trust. I cant forgive mine and i dont think i ever will which is why its so hard to live alongside him but I do. Can you? Is this the life you really want for yourself? Its miserable sweetie this life, so you need to really ask yourself if this is want you want what you deserve.

Sending hugs x

[tiredofitall]

I can relate to this too.  I was married for over 20 years – the earlier years were definitely the worst – the moods were much more physical and extreme.  I did try to leave when my first child was small but I fell for all he said and then I was sucked in.  Like most of us, he wasn’t bad all the time and he was a good dad in those early years – just treated me badly.  But as the years went on and the kids got older, it was almost like he didn’t like them becoming free thinking young adults and how he treated them started to bother me.  We ended up spending days waiting for him to go out so we could relax.  We never invited people around so they never had friends round.  He was just so hostile and moody and then sometimes lovely.  That’s why we stick with it for so long, always hoping that the good guy will stick around for longer than the horrible one.

In the end I just couldn’t live with the idea that this would be how i would spend the rest of my life.  Stuck in this miserable loop and negativity.  The kids were older and were also unhappy and it just felt like leaving could not be worse than staying in that state of anxiety and fear for the rest of my life.  Its awful to say but I often wished that he would die because that would set me free.

I think we can all relate to everything you think and feel.  I knew that no matter how nice he was, I could never trust him or feel safe (emotionally as well as physically) in that relationship.  I wanted to leave for a long time before I actually did it.  I did wait until there was an incident which kind of gave the push I needed to do it.  So I can relate to feeling like its not the right time when things seem fine

x

 

[Wavesripple]

I totally relate to this too, all l can say is don’t blame yourself. Try and care for yourself and get as strong as you can to make the decisions that are best for you.
Someone mentioned reading, can anyone recommend good reading material? Ideas have changed and there seems to be more helpful stuff out there.

[NewLifeComing]

I relate too, I experienced a lot of sexual assault during my (detail removed by moderator) marriage. It was only after reading – “Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven” that I realized that it was actually abuse.

I would really recommend this book as I think alot of women posting on this forum will unfortunately relate to a lot of it. It’s a tough read but makes your thoughts more valid. I was recommended it through speaking to Woman’s Aid.

[Author]

Posts