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**Trigger Warning**
Political but not meant to be a political discussion so lets leave that to one side. 🙂I was walking about in a really really bad mood after (detail removed by moderator) “apologised” this week, and its been going round and round in my head. I was having a lot of flashbacks to ex too, and suddenly realised why and what was going on….it was EXACTLY the same sort of so-called apology that he would give but with all the same sort of “ifs and buts” and superiority… Interesting isn’t it. Not saying (detail removed by moderator) is a perpetrator of domestic abuse, I’m saying its a type of person isn’t it, its pure n********m, and something I am sure each and everyone of us has experienced. So just wanted to acknowledge it and the different stages of it in case it helps anyone who is still in, or has left and is questioning themselves..
1. When they reflect back what has happened – makes you feel as if its an acknowledgement of your situation and feelings
Then
2. Seeming to take responsibility and admitting liability…
And then….
3. Qualifying it by saying something that actually says but I was right because….”I believed it was a work event”
AND THEN
4. Even further qualification and back up with superior evidence (I am better than you and I know better than you)…”Technically to fall within the guidance”
5. And then back to the crazy making rollercoaster of reflecting it back to you and seeming to understand and realise in the wrong by saying….
“I understand lots of people wouldn’t see it that way”
AND THEN, just to underline it all, stop the conversation.
6. Lets get a professional in to arbitrate – in my case “Let’s see a relationship counsellor”, “Ok, call the police and see what they say”….Passing it over to someone else to establish the FULL FACTS….If you listen back to the apology he have, all these stages are there.
Disconcerting and crazy making.
Pure gaslighting.. -
This hasn’t gone unnoticed in the survivor community at large. I’m temping atm so meeting alot of new people. It’s weird but have you noticed how survivors can spot one another at 20 paces. I’ve had several women tell me about their lives after spending just a few hours with them.
On (detail removed by moderator), when the whole (detail removed by moderator) thing was unravelling, one of the ladies I was working with kept talking about it. When we were alone she opened up to me. She had been really triggered by what was happening.
I wonder how many of us have been plunged back into that despair without realising what had triggered it?
Hang in there my lovely. You’re sounding a little better today?
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hi iliketea
We don’t know with (detail removed by moderator) what the complete story is, and I agree, lets not get into the political, suffice to say that was a tactic of an abuser, a tactic that an abuser employs to deny, blame and lie, and he’s also been reported to the police for da by his previous neighbours a few years ago before (detail removed by moderator) had children with him.
It is easy to see, and I think this time, the whole world is seeing it, its not just survivors. Other countries are seeing how badly (detail removed by moderator) is behaving, and it encourages me that a wider audience can see through these things. Although us, as survivors, see the potential for the deeper undercurrents that often accompany such behaviour.
I have recently been witness to da where I live, and the triggering is horrific, and I sometimes wish I didn’t see it all so clearly, especially when so little is being done to stop it, or to help women understand whats going on. Encouragingly I did hear police raise some awareness, and I hope that continued for the woman involved.
warmest wishes
ts
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I’ve seen the whole CCB throughout all of this and the irony has not been lost on me at all.
Imagine calling the police and saying the following,
“Hi, I was just wondering if you can confirm if this is CCB? I’m not allowed out of my house unless there’s a specific reason, I can’t have my family or friends round because I’m forbidden and I can’t go and see them either. I’m being told what I should do because it’s “in my best interests” even if I don’t want to do it, and if I don’t do it I’m likely to be punished going forward and not be allowed to go to certain places. I’m not allowed to go out to work and can only work from home. If I want to leave the house for the reasons he allows and I go out in public I have to wear something even if I don’t want to, otherwise I will be punished for this. However, he does what he likes.”
Police call handler: “Yes, that certainly sounds like a very controlling relationship, is this your partner/boyfriend/husband doing this to you?
“No, it’s (detail removed by moderator).”
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“I’m sorry YOU feel this way”, ah yes that old chestnut. Without getting political it’s a disgrace and I noticed myself feeling quite disgusted with this so-called apology. Like you said, clearly victims/survivors can still get triggered by this blatant gaslighting x
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hi gettingtired
that is a classic isn’t it. So many say this and I’m sure many don’t realise how it sounds, but it sure does pass the blame back doesn’t it! Sorry YOU feel sad/bad/upset/depressed…BUT…blah blah blah, it doesn’t really matter what comes after saying that. I’m sorry IT MADE YOU …feel/do, etc. not a real apology. Not apologising for their own actions.
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I’m so grateful for this post @iliketea
Mine doesn’t say sorry without adding “but…….”
Or instead of remorse “I’m worried that you are feeling (insert feeling here!)”They completely flip it back to us.
Xx
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