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    • #159286
      HeidiHi
      Participant

      I never really understood why women would stay in domestically abusive relationships and this unfortunate experience for me, allowed me to realise why. It’s very hard to leave the hand that abuses you!
      For half a decade I was love bombed and idolised, devalued, discarded and hoovered up again – the complete n**********c cycle of abuse. I was caught up in a relationship with a man who was incredibly manipulative, emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive and controlling towards me.
      He would go out of his way to make me feel worthless and degraded on nearly a daily basis. Constantly chipping away at my self esteem. Bullying and accusing me of things I’d never done. He started and spread smear campaigns about me. He would tell everyone I was a ‘psycho’ and yet he would tell me, every girlfriend he had before me was a psycho and he was always the victim. (detail removed by moderator). Unfortunately by this stage I was COMPLETELY trauma bonded and sucked into this hell he had created. He used coercive control and manipulation to get what he wanted out of me. He would do things like threaten me with revenge porn (detail removed by moderator) Gaslight, continuously lie about everything and always point the finger of blame and never take any responsibility for his own actions. When I found out that he was on dating apps and I confronted him about it, obviously he lied to my face and then started screaming and swearing at me saying how I was a s**t and a slapper and how I would only get what I was worth. This type of verbal abuse happened on a regular basis. It was always someone else’s fault. A classic case of n**********c personality disorder along with a few other personality disorders thrown into the mix. He had a problem with equality and with anyone who would stand up to him. Of course, I always did stand up to him and he hated that. (detail removed by moderator) I rang the domestic abuse helpline that night. My GP and friends and family all knew what he was like towards me yet I always found it so incredibly hard to just leave. The trauma bond had been established. (detail removed by moderator)
      He was/is a brilliant master of disguise, whilst always hiding behind the mask of who he really is to people on the outside. Throwing money at his problems & people so they will disappear. Or indeed always being seen to offer everyone a drink at the bar so he comes across as a ‘Top bloke.’
      This rather dreadful character had no problem in making me feel consistently like c**p and I would be walking on egg shells around him everyday, just because I didn’t know what mood he would be in. He lacked all kinds of empathy and compassion and quite frankly didn’t care about me at all. (detail removed by moderator)
      I lost nearly 1.5 stone whilst with him. My hair was falling out in clumps when I’d have a shower, I couldn’t eat right and I couldn’t sleep at all. He completely wrecked my mental health for a period so when I finally plucked up the courage to say I have had enough of this and break the trauma bond he had dragged me into – I decided to close the door and leave that sh*t storm behind.

      I just wish people knew the real man that lies behind the mask and how dangerous he really is.
      However although it was an on off volatile, toxic relationship, and I know how inherently evil and twisted he is, I still think of him and dare I say it, even potentially miss him. But what I keep telling myself is no one like tht can ever find peace or be happy with someone else or indeed themselves. And he absolutely won’t ever make me 100% happy, it’s just remembering that and making sure I believe it to move forward. Has anyone got any good tips around moving on and not letting past trauma interfere with your life?

    • #159310
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hello,

      Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like this experience had a really profound impact on you- I’m glad you are out of that now.

      part of the domestic abuse is the love bombing and you want to get that feeling back and to have that validation from them. he knows exactly what he is doing and will wear a mask for the outside world- he chooses to be abusive and to not take responsbility for his behaviour.

      You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes

      Lisa

    • #159312
      HeidiHi
      Participant

      Thank you Lisa.
      I was advised also by one of your colleagues in the chat function to access Bloom as well, which I have been doing and they are helpful for sure.
      If I’m honest I just hate the way there is never any justice for abuse victims and the way their abusers always seem to get away with it. It drives me to distraction.
      I get extremely frustrated by the whole situation!
      But I thank you for your advice.

    • #159313
      OctoberSunshine
      Participant

      Hi HeidiHi,

      I can understand your feelings as I was also in a similar situation, and stuck in a horrendous cycle. One day I snapped, decided to leave and never look back. It took some time to fully heal from the mental trauma, and now the mwmories just pass by.

      I also struggled with the thought of the abuser being able to escape responsibility or consequence for their actions. I think firstly I needed to understand that the abuser is truly an unhappy person who will continue to pollute people around them with their toxic behaviours, and because of their lack of accountability they will never learn or better themselves and never experience life in the emotionally rich way I would.

      It took a lot of time and some counselling to get to this point. I also adjusted the focus out of the abuser and shine some much needed light on to myself again and how this all occured and what I learnt about myself from the experience. I am a bit of a people pleaser and I am working on ways to stand my ground a little more in small ways.

      Accepting the term “Survivor” was also difficult for me as I believed others had it worse. But once I got there it became easier to embrace it and be grateful for the new lease of life I created for myself.

      Take some time to show yourself some love and compassion that you’ve always deserved.

      Hope this helps.

    • #159314
      HeidiHi
      Participant

      Thank you OctoberSunshine, how eloquently put.
      Yes I have been having counselling for about 2 yrs or so now and try to reflect on myself more and what enriches my soul.
      Definitely being treated like s€%t isn’t one of the criteria!
      I can totally see that my abuser is a messed up, unhappy, warped individual. That is plainly obvious to me. He will never experience life from a peaceful, happy all encompassing way (only if it’s to damage someone else). I guess I do always need to remember that. I just find it hard at times, especially when he’s been so inherently evil.
      I also believe in karma and at some point he will get a huge dose of that.
      I can resonate with people pleasing. Something which I have also tried to hone in on more and start being more selective about what I do and do not do or indeed commit to.
      I look forward to the day when I don’t think of him at all 🙂
      Thank you for your kind words and I wish you well on your journey also x

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