When will I get past this

[Starmoon]

There’s days and weeks that I feel ok and then others where everything hits me like a ton a bricks.. attempting to date hasn’t helped.. I’m not basing my worth on these men because I’ve no desire to go after them or have another date. My being able to move on is important to me. I couldn’t imagine trusting or loving another man because I’m stiiiiiiill so hung up on my ex, i still spend every day thinking about him, missing him and wondering where I went wrong. I keeping thinking I’d have a baby in a few months time if I hadn’t felt I had no choice to terminate but hed left me the day I found out I was pregnant because the baby was the last straw. I’ll never have a tiny baby in my arms again because I didn’t feel I could cope with another pregnancy alone… but being pregnsnt in the first place was the reason he left me. I have reminders everywhere- in my own children- of him and what I’ve lost… yet he’s so happy and has moved on. I want to love myself but how can I when I dont know if I deserve to love myself. If it was all my fault that I lost him… how can I ever work on building myself back up. I know he did things that others say are wrong but he was pushed to it because of me…

[fridges]

Hello, Starmoon,
Focus on what is good in your life. I wish that the time when you think about ex will be less and less, he is not wroth it. It is ok to feel sad, to be angry, to be devastated, but do not give him too much power over you.
I have doubts he is happy. They never are. They only make the fake picture that they are, and that they can be with someone else. Trust me, he is not going to make other woman happy or will love her. He is there to use, the honey moon period will be quick over, and unfortunately she will suffer just like you.
You should not take any blame for his action on yourself.
They make us feel guilty, it is just a trick.
It is one of the many tricks, to take away your strength.
You are much better on your own, see as the opportunity to have your life, to do what you would like to do.
Thank about what you want in life.
If you are not ready for dating, do not rush.
You can go for a coffee if you want, just to have some company, but not getting involved into relationship. Do window shopping for men, like we do window shopping for clothes.

I had lots of c**p with men, and my problem was, i was focusing too much on what they feel, and now I learn to focus on me, what actually I feel.
Do you have a good friend ? Or family ? Who can give you some support or to see you when you feel vulnerable?
Or what helps you to cope when you feel very down?

[Starmoon]

Thanks so much for your reply.(detail removed by Moderator) I take my children out on adventures and plan fun things. I’ve set up many distractions this year, swimming and walking when I’m not working and the children aren’t with me, eating better, learning new things.. it works temporarily but it’s short lived.
Seeing my children’s faces can be a reminder of him, hearing music or the most stupid little thing. I wish with everything that I’ve got that I mite wake up one day and feel I’m a good person and I didn’t deserve what he did to me… that I deserve to he happy.. I feel so incomplete though… I felt whole when he was around, however unstable and short lived his love was each time, for the short time he was there before he left me again. Is it normal to feel so incomplete and to want to find something or someone to make me feel whole again? I wouldn’t dare commit to a man again but I so desperately want to be able to

[Serenity]

Hi Starmoon,

You didn’t deserve the abuse. No one does. Differences can be dealt with without the need for abuse. Abuse is not merely about differences, about power: one person wants power over the other. That isn’t right, whatever way you look at it.

You aren’t a bad person. You are a regular person trying their best, and you deserve to be treated well. Nobody said that we need to be perfect to be treated with respect. By virtue of being human we have that right.

I think I was waiting for some magical date when I would suddenly feel ok, of would feel on top of my abuse experience.

Now I realise that it’s not like that. I think part of us will always hurt, always feel traumatised – but the trick is to accept our feelings when they overcome us, try to work through them and then carry on.

Life will be a mish mash of different moments- moments when we are triggered, when we feel sad, and moments where we suddenly realise how far we’ve come.

I’ve told myself I must forge ahead and achieve despite what happened- or even because of it: I was controlled for too long. But in those moments when you do feel fragile, take steps to care for yourself and get the support you need.

I think it was John Lennon who said that life is what happens when you’re busy doing other things. I tell myself that there won’t be some overnight, magical solution but that if I can forge ahead and try to get involved in things, I will grow away from and beyond my experience without realising!

Of course, there are times that we feel triggered and we dwell- that needs to be embraced too.

I find doing different things but at a slower pace means I am expanding my experiences, but don’t get too exhausted and depleted. After trauma, our energy levels can be low.

You’re doing so well. x

[Starmoon]

Thank you serenity… it’s is trauma, it’s a feeling and emotions I’ll never shake off. I’ve never had much self worth and ive always absorbed blame but before him I didn’t spend every waking moment wondering right from wrong, i came on here when I was heavily pregnant with my youngest and you were the first to ever reply.. at that stage I’d only just been introduced to the idea it may be abuse. I or he managed to convince me that I was fundamentally not right in the head… that the situation I was in was a long time coming and he was going to be the one to save me if I did what made him happy. I couldn’t make him happy though no matter how hard I tried.. and that just convinced me more so that there was some thing wrong with me. He truly has discarded me now and will never come back. I just don’t know what’s worse, living without him knowing I’ll never be what he wanted or the life where he left, i begged and he came back

[bookworm]

More than (detail removed by Moderator) years ago my children and I lived through a long period of horrific domestic abuse that has haunted me ever since and I have been afraid of him since that time my doctor tells me that I learned to surpress my fear of him but sometimes the fear would instantly become terror and I would run away from him only to go back to him I did this many times l left last (detail removed by Moderator) and when I got up that morning I had no idea that I would leave that day but I suddenly became terrified and just put on my coat and left and for the first time managed to get help for myself I am told that I have a deep psychological trauma from those times my husband tells everybody that I am
mad but wants me back but he is very controlling and I don’t want to go back to him this time and I find myself constantly writing letters to him that I will never send because he seems unaffected by what he did all those years ago while I and my children are so damaged will I ever get through this and find peace

[Author]

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