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    • #93061
      Whodat
      Participant

      Hi, I was dumped (detail removed by moderator),dragged in for weeks and I was devastated could barely function. Self esteem and confidence non existent, he told me after years together I was unlovable because of the way i look,too independent for a relationship, and basically no problems by him but a whole load of issues with me, all things I had an issue with him about during the relationship. Bizzare! After (detail removed by moderator) months i started to see things more clearly and realised how emotionally abusive he had been. Verbal abuse, name calling,constant criticism about everything about me,public humiliation and degradation, lies,gut feeling he was cheating throughout, withholding sex and affection, jokes at my expense,never prioritising me,always borrowing money off me n would have to ask repeatedly for it back but wouldn’t ever offer to help me out, shouting at my pet constantly, the list goes on. In hindsight the red flags were there from the beginning but I tried to ignore them. I knew the relationship wasn’t normal and i wasnt happy but felt so attached and scared of starting over so I stayed. For the last year of it I had depression and anxiety but couldn’t even see that, I used to feel contempt and anger toward him but still stayed. He went out his way to hurt and humiliate me as much as possible at the end, all triggered because I inadvertently made a comment which hurt his ego. I now feel so ashamed I was in a relationship with someone like him and that I stayed and allowed him to do that. I would challenge him but it made him angrier. He has dumoed me multiple times sometimes a few hours sometimes a couple of days where he would be on a drinking binge. I feel so angry at myself for putting up with it and not leaving, I’m angry he has got away with it. I want to confront him and let him I know what he did and he’s a terrible person. I definitely won’t though,we don’t speak at all,other than sorting belongings out we have had no contact and he has never once tried to contact me. I feel I’m iver the sadness mainly,even the worst of the hurt although if I dwell on it i start hurting again I don’t love him and I don’t want him back. But instill think a lot about what he did to me,everyday really,and I just can’t seem to let go of the anger. I’m hopeful once the anger is gone he will be gone from my daily thoughts and I can forget him and move on fully. I am happy most of the time now but its still there lurking in my mind more than I want. How do I let go of this anger? Is it normal to be angry nearly (detail removed by moderator) later? Sorry for the extra long post,it’s my first one so tried to give a summarised version of the back story.

    • #93062
      Eyesopennow
      Participant

      I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. No one ever deserves to be treated that way. You shouldn’t feel ashamed- you have nothing to be ashamed about. Your ex should be the one ashamed! He was in the wrong, and there’s nothing that can ever justify anyone making you feel the way he made you feel.
      I understand the anger you’re feeling- I feel it too. It can be so infuriating at times feeling like they’ve dumped all this devastation on you and they’re out there probably living their life as if everything is fine. Confronting my ex isn’t an option for me, so I started to write letters to him (just for my eyes of course, would never send them) and find that it can help just getting it out in the open.
      Time is a great healer, but if you feel like you’re struggling, you need to speak to someone about it.
      I hope you’re okay.

    • #93064
      Tiffany
      Participant

      There was a period of time when I thoughts I would never stop being angry about what happened to me. And angry with him. I don’t actually know when that changed. I remember a time when I was just absolutely furious at him and what he had done to me, all the time. And now I am not. He’s just faded into insignificance in my mind. A tiny man with no humanity who isn’t worth my emotions. Doesn’t mean that I am completely over the abuse. It still impacts on me. I am sad that I got hurt that badly and lost all that time and health with him. But the burning anger has faded away. I think it’s a stage in the processing. It’s all consuming for a while, but like the cravings for contact, it gradually faded until you suddenly realise you haven’t experienced it for months.

      • #93071
        Whodat
        Participant

        Hi eyesopennow thanks for replying. I will defo try the letter thing, I think I partly replay things in my head and imagine what I would say to him because i have no outlet for it. Bitching to my friends doesn’t have the same effect, although they have been amazing. It’s p****d me off he still has space in my head.

      • #93072
        Whodat
        Participant

        Hi tiffany thanks for replying it gives me hope that this stage will be over soon. I really think this will be the last stage then he’s gone. Can’t wait!!I know logically it’s not my fault but its hard to let go of that voice in your head which I suspect is actually things he says that I’ve internalized. I’ve spent so much time reading about this and having the knowledge about trauma bonds etc has helped hugely. It’s just this last bit of rage that he thinks it’s acceptable to treat another human like that and the intentionally cruel discard

    • #93079
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Yes I felt anger even rage or outrage but thankfully that’s gone too with No Contact. What helps me is thinking at least I could get away from his negativity and toxicity and heal even if it’s hard work and dealing with the aftermath and affect on me and my children is challenging;but he can never get away from himself. The only emotions he feels are fury, jealousy and anger. No live, no empathy, no joy. He’s stuck with the low-life he is 24/7. We can move in and heal. Abusers can never change and are always searching and restless for the high they get from others’ hurt and upset.

    • #93084
      [email protected]
      Participant

      I agree same experience for me very angry at the injustice xx theses men are all the same how boring they are. In time you’ll take a sigh off relief over your feelings of anger and this feeling will take over. You’ll that think thank god I can live my life again and actually breathe xx you can do what u want now look at it that way XX he will always live a meaningless s****y life xx

    • #93092
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Anger is part of the five stages of grief. Once it’s over another emotion will take over. It is normal and needed to pass through it all, in no particular order. Some last longer, some will be shorter. For me anger is lasting the longest, I have been through two consecutive abusive relationships and I am mad as hell to have been fooled not just once but twice. But! Anger can be channeled into productivity and taken as catalyst to move forward. So when depression is kicking in you’ll be at least one step further. And so it goes.

      Here’s a description;
      The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.

      And search for Kübler-Ross grief cycle. The graphic is self explanatory.

    • #93138
      Whodat
      Participant

      Consequentive abusive relationships for me too. I think I didn’t take any time to think things over after the last one,I just thought he was a controlling a hole, didn’t consider why i allowed it and why i stayed. I’ve spent so much time thinking this time that ibfeel confident I will notice the red flags and leave if it happens again. I feel ive been through all the stages of grief and accepted it’s over and I’m glad it’s iver. I just want to stop being angry because I’m bored thinking about him and I want to move on. Honestly never had a clue relationships ending could cause this much b****y grief and healing, suppose that’s a sign in itself that the relationship was definitely not normal. I often used to say to him he only has two emotions happy and angry, wish I had realised what that actually meant at the time!!

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