Viewing 9 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #43582
      lilaclady
      Participant

      I’ve been away looking after my mum just got back home to my husband who I am separated from. While I was away he was mostly fine nice text messages but had a not so uncommon incident where he rang me all p****d off as I hadn’t been contacting him (which I had) and of course threw in my face the fact that he bought my plane tickets to get home AND paid a large fee to change them so I could stay a bit longer amongst other things…. saying how all I want is his money, laying into how awful my family are and don’t care about him and lots of other stuff. My mum heard the whole conversation and was shocked and sent him a text saying she was witness to his outburst that was totally undeserved, please no more but according to him that was RUDE of her and how dare she. I don’t need messages from your mother like that!

      I flew non stop (detail removed by Moderator) had text him saying why don’t I come around and see our boy when he wakes up. I get there and he’s in a foul mood, basically ignoring me, all the usual. Turns out he was upset I didn’t buy him a present from my trip, or say thank you for the flights (I did quite a few times) or written him a nice card saying thank you. W*F???I didn’t buy him anything as after his nasty outburst on the phone that just pushed me further away from him. I think he also cannot stand I was at home with friends and family around me. I bet you’ve been back home telling everyone about me and how terrible I am? Did anyone even ask after ME???

      We are at the stage where the marriage is very close to ending and he now sees it as me not loving him anymore, he is sick of being told “he’s no good” and that the breakdown of our marriage is my fault too. I am sorry but in my eyes it IS his fault. All the times he blamed me for things, threw things that he had done for me back in my face, said I was spoilt, the list goes on. And he cannot face up to the fact that his nasty verbal stuff has pushed me away thus ending our marriage.

      Hes now just rung and ranted on about how I didn’t contact him while I was away, ignored him (which of course I didn’t!) how I clearly don’t love him etc etc. I have just sat and cried for the last half an hour. It is so painful having someone just turn round and be like this all the time. He has turned this whole thing around, in my mind he has been like this full on the last two years. In his mind I married the wrong person, I clearly don’t love him or want to be with him, he does SO much for me. And as usual in the back of my head as I am crying my eyes out, maybe he’s right?? Maybe I do have a part to play? He did send me nice texts while I was away, I should have brought him something.

      Sorry for the rambling post, I just need to get this out somewhere! Getting ready to end it and head for quite probably a nasty divorce.

    • #43588
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      The contact with him has you feeling like this. If you can manage to go No Contact with him for a few days it will give you some respite.

      He’s bombarded you with ‘his foul thoughts, feelings and behaviours’. Its all rubbish. He’s dumped his whole ‘stinking thinking’ unto you. It’ll take you a few days to get over it. You need space from him and what’s coming out of his mouth.

      Even if you had bought him something back from the holidays, there would be something wrong with the gift. It would be the wrong colour, shape, size etc, etc. You can’t wine with them. Even if you were perfect and did everything right that would be wrong. He’d be moaning that you do everything right and you make him look bad!! You can’t win with them.

      You are feeling bad at the moment because of ‘his toxic verbal waste’ being spewed unto you. He however will be feeling stronger as he has got a great buzz out of seeing you weakened, hurt and upset due to his verbals. He feels powerful and in control.

      Contact with him weakens you and strengthens him.

      Keep posting on here with us when you need to get his poison out of your system.

    • #43592
      Nova
      Participant

      Lilaclady…take a deep breath, your fully aware of him and his toxic abuse.

      LONC is right to say …only distance and NC will ever give you the head space you need to think straight!
      It is and will continue to go round and round like this FOREVER. That is a definite, your voicing your awareness ..that in itself is empowering, its now a matter of fully maintaining the barriers, however you feel is right for you.
      In my experience, I have heard exactly the same from him phrases like…back me up…what about me…your meant to be on my side…We think x y z..don’t we (NO WE DONT!) Coercion that’s what it means dragging you back into his world, just how he likes it.
      Your not together, why is he implying, acting, even relating to you like your his property, like your responsible for him…or should even care about him at all ever?..they are deluded,and thats maintained as long as we are part of the scenario
      …if they are to get the message clearly that they are not in control…& they don’t have any ‘power’ (what ‘normal’ person even wants power & control anyway? seriously!)then NC has to be maintained.

      be very careful you know who your dealing with.
      Cx

    • #43599
      lilaclady
      Participant

      I’ve thought about going NC before but never carried it out. But now I am realising that it might be the only way. He seems to continually pick up the phone and get nasty when he feels like it getting me to a point where I am totally broken crying my eyes out and picking myself off the floor. Even yesterday I was crying on the phone and he said listen to you crying you just love being the victim (something he used to say a lot when he would rant at me when we were still living together). I am definitely going NC for the next few days while I get my head straight.

      I am super jet lagged and once I am back to normal I am telling him it is over for good and we are divorcing. I cannot keep living my life like this. So true that this will keep going round and round forever I so see that now. When we separated I hoped for change but can now see that is never going to happen. And it will continue to be all my fault.

      When it comes to being careful who I am dealing with Cuppa I am VERY worried about divorcing him. I know he will twist the whole thing back on me and worried his charm will get him a long way! I have a lawyer so am willing to fight him when it comes to my share of the house etc. but fully aware he will step his abuse up another level. Am preparing myself for that.

      Any advice about NC? We have a son so I do need to be in contact with him about him.

    • #43604
      Nova
      Participant

      Hi…I would think that’s it’s not a great idea to just blurt it out,..you must be one or two steps ahead. Keep your business to yourself for a start!

      Prepare and don’t discuss, why discuss anything with a man who patronises you and makes you feel sad. Don’t bother telling him a thing…he will use it all against you…as you’ve implied, for sure.

      With family contact, no easy one simple fits all solution…it’s what you find works for you and your son..use a third party or at least have another person present with you …or use a family centre drop off or to another persons house. In reality one of you will make all the decisions or at least most of the decisions…together or not.
      Awful if your child is used by your ex, to get to you…so you must work out some routine with rules and stick to them. Emails …which can be recorded etc.

      Your not in a relationship any more, he’s your child’s father that’s it. End of, he has zero right to speak to you in any derogatory way at any time..and this is the same, the connection is emotional …like it’s made up, to give him a fix..he doesn’t care about empathy..there is no positive connection for you two.

      Your child’s connection is apart from this, it’s practical. Straight talking, your in control, not him,
      no feeding his love of hurt fear and abuse. Nothing to gain from that.

      It’s a tough one to grasp, and ongoing but better that to freedom than round in circles with (detail removed by Moderator)!

      Cx

    • #43609
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Keeping my business to myself is a great idea. I am trying to be steps ahead. Already have lawyer and have him on standby to act on my behalf have also done lots of research into what I am entitled to etc. Having the custody arrangements sorted and not having to deal with him would be great. And will definitely work out a routine to stick to. I read somewhere to always to stick to what is arranged if you go off plan he could use this against me. He has said before if I divorced him he would “destroy me” (nice!) but I know my rights now and that doesn’t scare me anymore.

      It is indeed a tough one to grasp but you are so right Cuppa I don’t want to be going round and round in circles with him. Dealing with his nasty phone calls trying to justify myself or be rational with a man who isn’t. I simply cannot deal with that anymore. I have struggled a lot with the decision to end things once and for all, the sadness of the end of my marriage etc. but now I just can’t do this anymore. Like you say there is no positive connection at ALL.

      Just need to STAY STRONG.

    • #43615
      Nova
      Participant

      🌸 absolutely right! We ALL have to stay strong..as much as humanly possible. We are only human after all ( as the song goes!)
      Hugs step by step take it easy …gently does it, your a nice kind decent woman …who deserves much much better out of love & life

      Cx

    • #43618
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Thank you Cuppa! Really appreciate it xx

    • #43649
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Switch your phone off.
      Only talk to him at certain times, maybe once a week if you cannot avoid it.
      If possible go zero contact.

      You could also send him emails and keep the conversations in writing instead of the phone.
      Ensure that you are the applicant in the divorce proceedings.

    • #43676
      lilaclady
      Participant

      I will definitely try and ensure I am the applicant, how do I beat him to that?

Viewing 9 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2025 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditions │ Privacy & cookie policy │ Site map │ Protect yourself online│ Media │ Jobs │ Accessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content