When you're shunned by other people

[Coach]

I’m sorry to reach out yet again but this has blindsided me and upset me and I don’t know how to respond to it. It’s not about my husband directly.

I have lost touch with so many people that I got very upset at not getting Christmas cards. So I sent several emails just before Christmas to people I don’t know very well – acquaintances – with very casual and brief messages (detail removed by Moderator).

That sort of thing, very brief, friendly and absolutely not mentioning my husband or my problems at all. I just wanted to feel I had SOME people to contact at Christmas.

So today I’ve just had a text from one of these acquaintances – who did know I had marriage problems, but only very vaguely as I didnt know her well and she was actually told by a mutual acquaintance, not by me directly. I’d told the mutual friend that my husband had admitted to having an affair and she had apparently gossiped and told this person.

So… in the text this morning, she said that she’d rather I didn’t contact her (bear in mind I haven’t been in touch with her for almost a year) – she said (detail removed by Moderator). She then went on to say that she was in a good relationship and didn’t want to disturb the “good energy” they had. And that was it.
.
I really, really want to tell her how hurtful that is to me. I’m not upset by her not meeting for coffee – I hardly know her – but it’s the suggestion that I carry bad energy around like some sort of evil spirit. I know I should just forget it but I get hurt so easily these days and I know her words will go round and round in my head for God knows how long.
My husband doesn’t know this person, by the way, and has never met her.
I feel like she slapped me and I’m really hurt. I honestly don’t care about not being in touch with her – as I said, I was just feeling sorry for myself and trying to think of anyone at all to send Christmas emails to – but the bad energy thibg is really upsetting.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Coach, I think that it why she’s just an acquaintance and not a true friend. (detail removed by Moderator) I too believe in good energy and bad energy and what she’s talking about is rubbish. She is a false person, with no empathy and love for others unless she is personally getting something from the relationship, please don’t let her make you feel any worse. 💜
I don’t have many people I’d go for coffee with either tbh.
Take care and please don’t let that reply worry you, put it straight into the bin.
IWMB 💞

[Coach]

Thank you IWMB, your replies (and those from everyone else on here who has replied to my posts) have been such a help.

I had promised myself I’d stop posting because I can see it will soon make me serm like the boy who cried wolf. But this (detail removed by Moderator) woman, who I was last in touch with (before this business) around (detail removed by Moderator) months ago (so hardly bringing bad vibes into her life on a daily basis), has really upset me. Logically I know she is probably in some way feeling insecure in her own relationship, even though she is pretending it’s fine.

But it feels like this woman, whom I hardly know, has put into words what I’m constantly thinking about my real friends (or ex friends, as they are now). That they have all lost touch with me because I carry around so much bad karma that they don’t even want to send me a Christmas card. And I find that incredibly painful and hurtful, as before my marriage took its toll on me, I absolutely wasn’t somebody who spent ages weeping to friends. So now, it feels like I’ve lost my friends because of my husband and not because of me and that is so unfair. So this (detail removed by Moderator) woman has hit a very raw place.

I must stop using this forum to write screeds of stuff, I’m sure everyone here has been through worse. I’m going to try to find the threads for things that help and see if there’s anything I can contribute.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
First, I would be honoured and feel priviledged to ‘go for coffee’ with yourself.
A woman of such obvious wisdom and integrity.

Second, do not stop yourself writing about ‘the small stuff’. Things are really different for everyone and it is sometimes the small stuff that knocks us back.

all best, sorry not to be all there, right now, am struggling with a funny knd of fluish thing which is affecting my concentration.
all best
ftc
x

[KIP.]

Hey, I’d meet you for coffee too x try not to take it personally. Who knows what she’s been told or what her life is like. As you say, she’s just an acquaintance. Please don’t contact her, just let it go. Start with closer relationships and slowly try to build on them x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Coach, it’s the little things that hurt us the most, it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. You are in no way crying wolf, it’s a feeling we all go through, we’re minimising what he did to us maybe because some ladies stories are much worse than ours, but it’s your relationship that is important to you, it’s your relationship that’s broken you, so don’t stop posting, we all have days when we think, someone else is more deserving than us, it’s his voice inside us that causes such thoughts, he’s made us feel worthless. You are worth a thousand of him.
By the way I like carrot cake with my coffee☕🍰
You have a lot of pent up feelings, they have to come out, that’s why we’re here for each other. If we could all come to each others house’s and rescue us all one by one, men would soon realise just how strong we are💜

IWMB 💕💕

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Coach, that was a lovely and brave way to reach out, especially when tou are feeling vulnerable . Dont worry about her and her comments , load of rubbish. Keep reaching out, talk to WA, your real supports will become obvious.
IWMB I wish we could do the rescue mission ! the image made me smile. At least we have this forum.
Best wishes x

[Coach]

You are all lovely, thank you so much for being there for me. I’m pretty sure that her words would still hurt me if she contacted me, say, a week from now, but coming just after Christmas I’m really raw. First I have him around for two days being clinically cold and refusing to engage in anything that relates to his behaviour and telling me that my view of events is not the same as his (therefore, by implication, his is right), then I get a virtual stranger telling me I have bad energy.

Thank goodness Christmas is over. Except now I go back to his good cop/bad cop behaviour: when he’s with me, or on the phone to me, he is horrible to me, but if he texts me or emails, he sounds perfectly reasonable and you’d never know what he’s really like. I don’t mean he apologises, or says he was wrong, but there’s never any of the “you must have imagined that” and “that’s not how I remember it” that he does when he’s with me. It took me ages to realise that he could show people those texts and emails as “proof” of how reasonable he is, but I can’t show anyone proof of what he’s like face to face.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Coach, the proof is in how you’ve changed being with him, how you’re walking on eggshells,how you feel nothing you do is good enough, how you jump at loud noises, how you think everyone is talking about you, these are concrete reasons that solicitors use as crazy making on his behalf, that’s proof nowadays, thanks to the 2015 verbal and psychological act that came into being. That’s why it’s important to talk to your doctor, to get it logged. I’ve spoken to my doctor 3 or 4x now, I don’t like to annoy her as I feel others deserve her time more, but she’s said to see her anytime, they’re there for our mental health as much as our physical health. This is why posting is good fir us @Coach, anything and everything has a solution of sorts🙂
IWMB 💕💕

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Coach,

I read your post and was so horrified by what that woman said to you I wanted to respond to let you know you don’t carry bad energy around or whatever rubbish she said, what she said is extremely cruel and untrue. In a way she is saying what a few people no doubt think about women who have experienced abuse – they are terrified of having a marriage breakdown or other problems like ours and that fear causes them to shun us. In the end it is just a reflection of herself, her own fears, insensitivity, naivety (thinking bad things happen to ‘others’ and never her) and lack of empathy.

Perhaps she will have a major wake up call if her marriage ever breaks down or she experiences other life changing problems, by which point you will be in a much better place and she will have a lot of learning to do.

People like this are at best, fair-weather friends. When I was diagnosed with depression it was incredible how people literally disappeared overnight. People I’d known for years who I thought were true friends. Years later when I experienced burnout in a career, all the colleagues I’d considered friends did the exact same – disappeared into thin air. Only very few kept contacting me and inviting me to things.

I’ve started to see the way these people purge themselves from our lives when we are going through a difficult time as helpful now because it gets rid of all the false friends, the ones who are only friends with us because they think they can gain something from us. Lots of these past ‘friends’ have recently found me again on social media due to a self employed business venture and they now of course are all following me on there thinking I’m successful. I have no interest in their friendships now and ignore their attempts to reach out. If they couldn’t be supportive and kind when I was down then they don’t deserve to be in my company when I am doing better.

Last Christmas I felt very similar to you – I had a panic about lack of Christmas cards from people, lack of friends, lack of invites etc. I felt like a bit of a recluse and wondered how my life had got that way. It was really hard and lonely. But this year, it was still tough (I spent Christmas alone with my cat this year) but I started to see the lack of cards etc as peace rather than deafening silence, if that makes sense. There are good people in the world and once you stop engaging with the bad ones you have space in your life for healthy new friendships.

[Iwantmeback]

Ps we’re virtual strangers, the difference is we are here fir you unconditionally plus I’ve found most people listen to negativity before positivity, even those who haven’t been abused. Look at those who can’t take compliments but will accept a negative comment, many of us have self doubt, abusers have tapped into that and increased it 100 fold.
IWMB 💕💕

[Flowerchild]

That person is no loss! What nonsense. And you keep right on talking to us, you hear?

Difficulties like this help you sort the true friends from the fairweather ones. Once Christmas is over, your true friends will open their emails and you’ll have to struggle to fit your coffee dates in your new diary, I bet!

Flower x

[Coach]

You’re all making me cry (in a good way!) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I never imagined I could get so much support just by joining a forum, and to have people believe ME, when he is so charming and a lot of people think he’s a great guy. He’s actually a manipulative, cruel, self-satisfied bully. But he is very good at his job so people think he’s wonderful, and until I joined this forum my big fear was that no-one would ever believe me. I would say “you have no idea how much it means to read these supportive messages” but of course, you do. Sending you all virtual hugs and virtual coffee. Xx And yes, I will try not to think about Ms Energy. I spend too much time going over and over bad things. I’m trying to find ways of changing this, but not
easy.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi Coach, what a poor, sad, spiritless woman she must be to react that way. I feel nothing but pity for such creatures.

Whereas I am full of admiration for you, and the strength you have. I’d be too scared to reach out in the way you did.

Be glad. Now you know for certain that she’s not worth your precious time. You didn’t have to put up with her over coffee to find that out.

Keep strong and courageous.
xx

[diymum@1]

Hey there, you can hold your head up high her ignorance is a negative vibe and your better of without that in your life x(detail removed by Moderator)) 💕 💕 all of the above are corageous strong women be proud look at what you’ve survived ☺I’m sure this lady couldn’t lace your boots! Rise above it ☺ know in yourself your a good person and have faith things will get better 😊💪✌❤diy

[Coach]

Hello again – I’m still new and getting used to the forum, but have been incredibly careful not to say the slightest thing that my husband – if he were ever to read these posts – would recognise as definitely him.

My first post in this thread was about an acquaintance who made hurtful remarks. My husband has never met this person and I did specifically state this in my first post.

Nevertheless, some of the info. in it has since been deleted by the moderator(s). In particular, the sentence containing the phrase the acquaintance used which hurt me so much has been deleted.

So I’m writing this now A. to say a huge, heartfelt thanks to all the caring people who read my post (while it still contained the key sentence and made much more sense than it does now and B. to explain to anyone who is reading this thread now that there is a key sentence missing, so what the post says now doesn’t contain the phrase that caused me so much distress.

Emotionally I’m a mess, but I am still intelligent and aware and am very clear about the criteria on what not to include. Ironically, another sentence, which was also deleted, has been quoted three or four times in replies from several other members.

This has made me even more wary of posting, when I desperately need to get things out and get positive feedback from caring people. As it is, there are things about my husband that I so badly wish I could tell people but fully understand that I should not – or at least, not on a public forum. Yesterday was a grim day because of the text from the acquaintance, but I woke early and thought I’d re-read the lovely replies people had bothered to send me – only to find my original post now makes it seem as if I was over-reacting.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Coach we always feel as if we are over reacting, that due to hypersensitivity. We’ve become conditioned to his thoughts, feelings, words, that if any one else speaks to us, looks at us negatively we take it much harder than anyone else. It should lessen the longer we are out of the relationship and start to rebuild our self esteem. Look at it this way, you now know the type of people you’re not willing to accept in your life. I dont even look at my life with my oh as wasted years, cos they were not all bad, I’ve learned a huge lesson about myself but it won’t stop me being kind and helpful to others, if anything I’ll be more thoughtful, but it will make me think 10x more before I allow anyone my love.
Take care
IWMB 💕💕

[EbonyRaven]

Hi Coach, I entirely get what you’re saying there. The same has happened to me. I also have a post marked as having been reported for inappropriate content, and can’t for the life of me figure out why someone did that. It does seem at first that it can make it harder for us to use the forum to reach out. The moderators are just trying to protect us though.

They’re very aware of how things can be brought up in courts out of context to make us look bad, and how some things can become inadmissible by accident from being on a public forum. They have lots of experience in this, so I’m going to trust that what they remove really is to keep us safe.

I know that my oh will not look into my computer history and won’t see these messages; again though, that’s right now. Maybe it could happen at some point, maybe when he really realises I’m serious about making him leave he will start searching for things. Who knows.

I’m going to try and restructure my writing in posts to not directly quote anything, and to explain in a more generic way. Hopefully that way I can still vent.

Keep posting, none of it is a personal attack. I guarantee that it’s all done with the best intentions towards our safety.

[Coach]

Thank you Ebony Raven, that’s kind and constructive. I’ve now read many posts on the forum and it’s very clear that even after some text has been deleted, some posts still give away information that’s directly related to husbands/partners.

It’s extremely difficult when one has nowhere else to turn, and desperately needs validation, to find that it’s difficult to give relevant information. I think a lot of women here post for different reasons, at different times, but clearly they need to have a space where they can say:”This happened – please give me support about it, as I badly need some people on my side, who will believe me”.

I think most women on here – because of what we’ve been through/are going through – are very aware of not giving much away. The women on this forum seem intelligent and sensible, despite their dreadful situations.

I really hoped I’d found (after many years) a place where I could get support and belief. All I can say is, if anyone ever wants to DM me, I promise I will always be as supportive as I possibly can.

[Author]

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