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It has long been recognised that “anger management” classes do not work. If you are recovering from abuse and experiencing anger this may be a symptom of trauma. In this case you would need to be assessed by a psychologist, especially if you feel you are impacting on people around you. It is really important to talk to your doctor. Long term depression can also bring very angry feelings. In the short term you may need help through medication to manage your emotions and mental well being. I am not a doctor, but it sounds like you are crying out for help. Posting here, talking to others through the forum can be a wonderful way to ventilate negative thoughts and feelings and to feel supported.
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I agree anger management class isn’t the answer here. Of course you are angry, goodness I was so angry when I discovered I have been abused not just once but twice, oohhh it felt like I am going to explode.
You’re going through grief and trauma, there is a lot of anger in both needing letting out, and out it has to come, so it can evaporate. It is very normal to feel anger after having been abused.
I noticed my anger came back in waves for a long time, I decided right at the beginning that its totally okay to let it out ( i’ve read about the five stages of grief so I knew it is permitted and normal to be angry). I decided to never turn my anger towards myself or others. Instead I looked for ways to let it steam out of me. And the best way for me is physical activity. Sport. Walking. Swimming. I am in great shape now 🙂
Also I took my anger to propel my life forward. When job hunting and getting angry for not getting any interviews I send twice as many cv’s out to make myself heard.Anger doesn’t last, then comes a period of cooling off perhaps even depression, when you don’t feel like doing much.
Use the energy of your anger to your benefit to advance your life.
Write it out also helps hips. Validation calms anger down quicker than any other magic potion.
You are free to feel anger. No one will punish you for feeling it. You are allowed now to feel what you need to feel.
Sending love 💕 keep posting -
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Google ’emotional intelligence’ and get yourself some books; it’s learning how to respond to yourself and your emotions; how to process your emotions that you need here. Lots of info available on this subject.
You are angry and for good reason, your boundaries have been trampled and you have been treated badly, and it has left you hurt and wounded, anger is often hurts bodyguard, we need to attend to this hurt, anger stops us doing this, it guards us against the pain until we are ready. I think it’s probably likley you maybe just don’t know how to process your emotions, pretty common, so it feels all consuming and out of your control; you can take back the control here if you give yourself what you need.
It needs expressing with another to start – samaritains are excellent for helping with this, so are Victim Support – because you do not know these people it frees us up to just spit it out in real time, no holding back – which is what you need – however dreadful these thoughts may be, these people are trained to hold you while you express your anger, they can tolerate it and give you the space to do this because they understand this meets your need, you just need to get it out – we all of us feel angry from time to time, very natural; they are also good at helping us work out is anything needs to happen next or not; using these services keeps the other relationships you have safe (stops you biting the heads off those you love, that or scaring the hell out of them!).
I’m not religious but I also went to see my vicar when it felt all consuming, he was such a big help – helped me to start to think about how to verbalise how I feel while being respectful of another – was the first time I’d done this! And he helped me to find the forgiveness I needed for myself to – gave me a big chunk of learning and help for sure.
How we feel and what we really think are often very different things, our emotions change don’t they. I can feel I’d like to send my dog to the sausage factory when she wakes me in the night 3 times to let her out, but the following day when peace is restored I love her and recognise she gives me a lot of joy, I was just angry and tired the night before, having my sleep interupted.
Angry thoughts and feelings can feel scary sometimes, as they are horrid thoughts, with shame or guilt sometimes attached, but once I express how I feel this is often all I need as I calm down and rationality returns, its like the volcano errupted and that was all that was needed; anger can feel awful if left unattended to, it circles and grows inside – it needs to be out.
I read once that anger can feel like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die – only it doesnt effect them in the slightest does it – just the self. It does feel like poison if not expressed. It’s like a cooking pot simmering away, then one more thing leaves us feeling angry and it fills a bit more, until eventually it’s full and too hot, and it explodes. Attending to each thing that leaves us feeling angry, as it occurs, stops the pot from filling up.
As with all emotions, they often only require that you either notice or express them; on occassion some require some form of action, but this is much less often. An example of this maybe when you feel you need to tell someone this is not ok for me, this is where my boundary begins and ends, e.g. I’d help if I could but I really can not stay on later at work today, sorry I can’t help.
I’ve got to the point now where I can quite often laugh at my angry thoughts and feelings – I see them as just angry thoughts and that’s all, requiring no action at all, just some form of acknowlegdement.
I have learnt how to express my anger in a non violent way, maintaining respect for others, anger can actually be very useful to us when we feel more in control of our emotions, it’s great for helping us express what we need here, it is our protective shield, but to begin with, before you get to this, it requires just spitting it out and releasing it, it feels big huh, immeasurable even, so to begin with it’s about learning to notice it is just anger – that’s all. Do I need to act here or do nothing at all? Do I need to just express how I feel so I can move on from it?
My anger is felt, expressed or acknowledged, acted on if needed, which in most cases no action is needed, then it passes through – because I choose to let it go, whatever it is that’s bothered me; the more you do this the quicker this process occurs and you also start to notice what it is that is igniting it, see there’s no need to sweat the small stuff as well, you start to choose more what you get angry about. When the pot is full already, most things can seem like they leave us feeling angry hey.
Because I can process my anger now, he still gets me angry sometimes yes, this is life, stuff does get us angry, he doesn’t change does he, but I now recognise this and put it down to his behaviour, which means I can choose to let it go, because I recognise that I have a choice here, I can either stew in this for hours or days, or let it go now and not let it effect me anymore – the outcome is always the same isn’t it, I have to let it go at some point, beter for me if its sooner rather than later when this is possible. I do what is needed, I may need to act for my child, but most often now I see it as ‘expected behaviour’, does this effect me/us? No, ok let it go, if the answer is yes, then I act and do what is needed.
When you can utilise and draw from your anger, feel in control, anger can be used to self empower us – get things done, make changes, gear us up for the fight, help the cause.
You can learn how to turn your emotional ‘reaction’ into an informed ‘response’ TG with a bit of practice and by always giving yourself what you need x
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What a great perspective fizzy. I have a real bad anger problem which is lessening with therapy. Over the years I’ve tried loads of things thinking anger was my main problem. The emdr therapy is slowly making me realise I am angry I’m just directing my anger at the wrong people. We’ve learned to keep anger bottled up because what’s the point, hey? If you see a picture of a bear in a cage being abused it would probably stir up some feelings of anger towards the perpetrator but as the subject of abuse we internalise it and the anger flies out at any time, especially once the present danger is over. Thanks fizzy and TG I’ve only just realised this about myself 🤯
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What is emdr therapy? Please let me know. I am looking for any therapy. Especially that this lockdown is making my abuser to be physically abusive to me. I got injured again as usual. My whole body is full of scars and wounds. I am on medication. I try to listen to nice radio music to keep my mind off the physical abuse. I am in terrible pain now but cannot phone anyone to help me. I don’t think police would come because of the current corona crisis.
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