6th August 2019 at 6:45 pm #85173Done-with-thisParticipant
Hi ive had some fantastic advice on the is this abuse group so time to start moving forward
I have no idea where to start
There are youngish kids involved plus finances aren’t great but probably just manageable in the short term
He has no idea that I feel like this or that I want out. We did talk about it all a few months back and he thinks it was all sorted then – but not for me as cycle has started again.
However to the outside no one hardly would guess – he’s seen as a funny guy who helps others – though more are seeing through it s bit which is why I’m posting today as someone took me to one side yesterday and talked to me about it.
There is no violence. It coercive control so no immediate threat
I guess what I’m asking is where did people start? What were the steps you took? Did you prepare the kids? Did you talk to your partner at all? Who did you contact etc?
Thank you x*x
6th August 2019 at 6:54 pm #85174BeautyMarkedParticipant
Coercive control is a threat as much as physical violence. In some ways it’s more so as it’s so private and there are no obvious signs – no cuts or bruises. People would never know or suspect because the abuser is so charismatic, so upstanding etc. Just as you’ve described. Even those who have suffered physical abuse say that it’s the psychological effects that stay and harm the most. Don’t feel that what’s happening is less serious because you haven’t been physically assaulted.
It’s good that others are starting to recognise but if he also gets wind of it that’s when he might start escalating his behaviours. It’s good that you are recognising that you definitely want out and that you want to save yourself (and your children) from worse down the line (abusers always escalate). I’m not an expert in your particular situation and I’m sure others will advise. However, I would definitely advise speaking to Women’s Aid. They can give you advice about how to get out in the safest way for your circumstances. I think also that you will want to try to act as ‘normal’ as possible so as to not tip him off if you don’t think he’ll take the news very well. It depends on your current circumstances but you are recognising cycles and they always get shorter and harder so I would recommend getting in touch with WA as soon as you can.
6th August 2019 at 9:32 pm #85180MovingonandonParticipant
The fact that you are able to recognise the coercive control is a huge step in the right direction. My personal experience of leaving an abusive relationship was horrendous. I told him some time before that I thought its time we broke up. That was my first mistake. The violence escalated in the final month or so and I was beaten so badly. I eventually told family who helped me leave whilst he was away from the home. Im a number of years on now and the psychological harm effects me daily. I have PTSD and often question my reality. I have rebuilt relationships that broke down during my abusive relationsip. I speak to my friends and family and they tell me the arguments I thought happened between us never happened (I was so controlled and gas lighted I believed they did). In order to get out in my opinion you will need a solid rock support system be it friends family or professionals such as womans aid. These men can coerce you any chance they get. I felt that I need reminders that what I was doing was right. I truly hope you get your freedom. Contact womansaid they may be able to help you find a safe house.
All the best
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