Where do I start

[Marley]

Hi
It’s taken me a very long time to get her my H and I had been together a very long time and in the past (removed by moderator) years I knew something was wrong it just got really bad. Screaming, cursing, in my face, slamming doors, then Silent treatment started first time was a couple of days then everytimew he did it got longer and longer. When I told him I hated it, was like he knew that was the way to get to me He said it was his way of stopping another argument (was this abuse) I know now it was after researching.I would have to pay the majority of the bills and he would look after everything else but I had to ask or account for the money I spent when he would spend what he wanted. I always felt like I had to protect our kids and I’d disagree with how he spoke to them, he said I wasn’t supportive. But he would never agree it was his way and no discussion.never said sorry I had too.
I’m probably just rambling but my question is, in the past few months I just switched off didn’t want him near me didn’t want to plan anything, found myself planning things without him just me and the kids this was just after a long period of his silence but I became silent too if he shouted I shouted back. I had enough but now I feel like I turned into him… has this happened to any of you? Also is it all just in my head sometimes I think it is and I should of not not pushed him out

[Beautifulday]

Hi @marley
Welcome to the forum!
Thats exactly what they do! When they know something hurts us or its something we don’t like they will do it even more! My H does this! I told him i don’t like him swearing at me during arguments or using certain foul words ..he does it even more! Then blames me saying if I hadn’t started or kept on he wouldn’t have had to use those words, it then makes me confused! Makes me think maybe it is me, when it’s not! This is what they do. Also I remember telling him when we first met about how I was bullied in school and the bully used to enjoy mocking my voice and accent he was all compassionate saying it was terrible. And guess what? A few years into the relationship during an argument he mocked my voice! He copied what I said in a horrible condescending way in a high pitched voice and he’s done this a few times knowing It hurts me.

I can resonate with what you say about feeling detached? I have felt this for around a year and a half, it got the point I just didn’t want to do things with him, we used to go on loads of holidays all over Europe and when I thought about it, it was always me who booked them, paid for them then he would pay me back in dribs and drabs, I always used to sort everything so I thought you know what I’m not bothering and let’s see what happens. He then went (detail removed by Moderator) abroad with his hobby left me at home, and numerous weekends for his hobby which I don’t mind, but im never a priorty to him. He treated me better before we were married, its as if he thinks he “has me” now so why bother.

I’ve detached also , I think we do it subconsciously, im detached but also trauma bonded so it’s incredibly confusing 🙁
Have you contacted your local womens aid? I would highly recommend this they are amazing, also if you own your home together I would recommend seeking free advice from a solicitor just to know your options and where you stand, I did this and even though I haven’t took her up yet I know she’s on standby for when the time comes.

Stay strong lovely and keep posting here xx

[Marley]

Hi @beautifulday
Thank you I actually just contacted them this morning and had a chat they just confirmed what I already taught that I have been in an abusive marriage and it’s not me he actually left (detail removed by Moderator) ago after an argument and I 100% don’t want home back I’ve spent the last (detail removed by Moderator) trying to figure out if it was me or if I was going insane!
It’s going to be a long road and I know that it’s just nice to know I can talk to someone who has been through it
My home is clamer now I’m feeling broken some days and other day I feel like Yes you can do this a bit of a rollacoaster at the moment

[Tracker]

Hi Marley,

I’m glad you have come to understand that he was abusing you and he has now left. I totally emphasise with you feeling broken some days. My situation is very similar. After he left me yet again for someone else I too am feeling broken to the point of finding it hard to keep going and have come to realise (after along long time) that he has always been abusing me but made it more subtle so noone would see.
They try to blame you and make you go crazy dont they? I have and still do at times thought that maybe it is all me and I am the abuser as he makes out and its all my fault since everyone believes him too it makes me think it must be true but they are so clever at getting everyone to see what they want them to see.

Hope you feel better soon and please try not to take him back and stay strong 💪

[Marley]

Hi tracker

Thank you for the reply it’s appreciate to know I’m not the only one who is going through this and glad I found the group
You stay strong too and if he has left to be with someone else then don’t worry because you are strong your self I’m sure and don’t want to be with him after him being with another person x

Your with more than that

[Author]

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