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    • #143292
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      After het another night and day of him moaning about me working and having a tantrum cause i dare say no to sex and the fact that its his (removed by moderator) soon and im going to have to dress up for him or he will be horrible I am feeling full on anger I am just so ready to burst I hate him I actually hate him. The one person who knows a few details about my life asked me today if he was still being abusive and i was only able to answer yes. This person didnt push and i know he is waiting for me to answer more. I have written out a long message telling him how vile and hurtful and nasty my husband really is and it felt so good.
      I havent sent the message yet but I will I want people to know what an complete a******e my husband is I wanna scream and cry and just let it all out. Where has this anger come from?
      What can I do about it?
      For once its not aimed at myself Im actually angry at him how can you treat someone you love like this? Why? Just why?

    • #143296
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Where has it come from? You my lovely, you’re growing in strength and knowledge, recognising what is acceptable to you. This anger is good, it’s helping you on your journey.

      Why do you need to tell this other person about all the details though, was he the friend who didn’t want to know recently and that hurt you. If he’s going to help you then of course reach out, but I wonder after you said ‘yes’, has he reached out to help you or ask for detail to give support, will he if he does get given all the info? Definitely not discouraging you to reach out in any way at all, just make sure it’s to the right ppl.

      But you go girl, you should be so proud of how far you’ve come xx

      • #143299
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Yes it is the same person. Its like i need to make him see to understand I cant do this alone and he is the only one outside of here that knows and has at least listened i get what you are saying sometimes it feels like he picks me up and puts me down as and when he chooses and i dont need that in my life anymore than I already have.
        I just need to tell someone. X

      • #143353
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        I worry telling this friend and if he doesn’t reply, will hurt you again and cause more anger. However I totally get you want to let the detail out and that’s a really positive sign! You’re not hiding it or internalising it on yourself. Is there anyone else you could talk to? How about your manager, your counsellor or a gp? It can be easier to offload to these than a close friend or family as they just can’t relate in the way we need. Hope you’re ok today, keep your journal going with the flip/flop behaviour from last night & today so you stay focused on it not being your fault or inaccurate xx

    • #143297
      Gerbil
      Participant

      Dear Nbumblebee
      I can tell from what you have written that you are very angry. I don’t know if this is the right advice but I am so glad you are angry at him. I am also glad that you are not blaming yourself. For everything that he has done and is doing to you, it is no wonder you are angry. You now need to channel your anger into something positive. Unfortunately I am at the same stage as you are and I gave not found out how to do this yet.
      You deserve to be happy and feel loved…never forget that.
      Take care honey x

    • #143304
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      I just dont know where to go from here. Again hes just gone off in a p***y just because i didn’t want (removed by moderator) he was nasty and i calles him up on it and i asked him how he can shout and be nasty but im not allowed to answer back he said no im not allowed.
      He then went on to say that he was fed up as right now it feels like its all about me what i want to do hes calling me the narc.
      All i want to do is better myself why should he hate that so much? Somethings gonna snap soon.

    • #143311
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi nbumblebee

      Anger is very normal. Why wouldn’t you be angered by the way he’s treating you?

      Please be very careful about how you channel your anger. It is important that things don’t escalate so far that one of you gets hurt.

      There are lots of positive ways to channel your anger. Maybe use it to spur you into making plans about how you are going to manage this relationship in the future.

      Before you send the message to your friend, try to work out how you are hoping he will respond. Then consider the possibility that he may not respond as you hoped and work out how you might deal with this.

      I only say this to protect you. My friends discovered that they didn’t have the stomach to hear about rape, forced abortion and him throttling my son. For me, it was another let down. Just one more thing to be angry about.

      Look after yourself my lovely. xx

      • #143327
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you. He wont respond i know that but i want to say it out loud to someone i want to tell someone really what my husband is like im tired of hiding and pretending this morning he is making me feel like the abuser hes being all sad and nice telling me he lovea me after last night telling me (detail removed by moderator). Doubt creeps in again i get so far i believe i just want a better me a happier me but he wants a me that stays in his box. God i am just so angry I am trying so hard not to let my anger out on myself so hard which is why i think telling this person will help. I just need it out. Do i sound crazy?

    • #143315
      Auriel
      Participant

      nbumblebee im so glad your resentments pain and anger are going in the right directions now and your not internalising them and hurting you, I honestly don’t understand why abusers do what they do (in my experience it’s been a selfish way for them to get their desired outcome) but I know just like you that we’d never be able to be that way (I know I’d never want to spend the day in the mind of an abuser) it is amazing though that you have a confidante who’s listening and not judging, your anger is normal from years of mistreatment and “shoving it all down” if you don’t wanna dress up don’t dress up don’t hurt you anymore, too many people have already done that 🤗💗🤗

      • #143335
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you.
        You say such lovley things every time i read ypur last sentance it makes me cry nobody has ever said that to me before. Thank you x

      • #143350
        Auriel
        Participant

        🥰🤗🥰

      • #143357
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        He told me (detail removed by moderator) he has made me feel like im the bad guy today. Doubt creeps in so easily doesnt it? Im now again thinking actually is it me? Trying so hard to push it back out. Xx

    • #143362
      Eggshells
      Participant

      It’s not you. His behaviour is very calculated. If he can make you feel like you’re the bad one then he knows that he can guilt trip you in to doing what he wants you to do.

      This is gaslighting. Hold onto you my lovely. You are doing nothing wrong. xx

      • #143417
        Auriel
        Participant

        I’m seconding eggshells 💯
        🤗💛🤗

    • #143443
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @eyesopening @eggshells @auriel I didnt send the message. Various reasons but (detail removed by Moderator) so I just messaged and told him that and could we chat another day as i wanted too talk this through and he hasnt reponded at all.
      So maybe its for the best like you say some people just dont wanna know I guess. Makes me geel more alone than ever b4.
      Thank you for your warnings x*x

    • #143490
      Eggshells
      Participant

      He may respond yet. Either way, you’re not alone. After I understood that people don’t want to know, I learned to channel it through my counsellor and through the forum. I had a couple of very supportive people in my life who didn’t shy away from the details. I was very lucky. The forum was a mainstay for me though. No-one has ever quite understood like the ladies on the forum. They always just get it. There’s no knowledge and understanding quite like the lived experience, sadly. xx

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