Where to go from here

[Buddy]

He is sort of talking to me now .. I am very quiet .. why should I just go back to normal ?
I dropped a load of weight through anxiety when he stopped talking to me as I felt so powerless ( people in work commenting on my weight loss , so it’s quite a bit of weight )
He must have noticed also .. but obviously can’t bring himself to say anything about his abusive behaviour and never will .
I am so indifferent at the moment , with christmas coming I can’t think about anything but sorting everything for that and hoping 2021 will be my year for having some balls and putting myself first .
I messaged my male friend a couple of months ago , I said to him , I really need you to be a friend to me right now , I feel worthless and can’t stop shaking .. he replied you are better than this, stop letting that p***k define who you are , nobody in this world should make you feel that way , get out of there .
I know he has feelings for me and I do him ( I know I am vulnerable ) but I can’t help how I feel .. he has always said nothing can happen between us till you leave him .. so he is not taking advantage ( we have been chatting like this on and off for (detail removed by moderator) years)
Then (detail removed by moderator) ( he was drunk ) and messaged me to see if I was ok and we had a chat back and fore , he said I love how pure you are there should be more people in the world like you ( because I wear my heart on my sleeve )
Then he wrote come and see me !! 😬
It was laying in evening and he defo had been drinking so seemed like a b***y call .. obviously I didn’t go !
I know how it sounds , but I genuinely just think he had a moment of weakness due to alcohol .. I haven’t heard from him since .
I messaged him , I understand you had a few to many the other night .. no reply ..
I know I shouldn’t be focused on him atm but I really feel he gives me strength and a different outlook on life ..
what is your opinion on this situation ?
I have tried to forget him but I can’t . X

[Hawthorn]

For what it’s worth I think the strength and different outlook on life is good. The part of you that knows you deserve better than your getting from your abusive partner is getting brighter.
However (a big however!)as you’ve said yourself you are very vulnerable at the moment. The last thing you want to do is go from one abusive relationship to another. One step at a time. Get out of your current situation when you feel ready. Give yourself time to heal (most recommend at least 2 years after an abusive relationship before entering a new one) and then consider what could happen with this male friend.

I would question the motives of a man who was putting the moves on me while I was in a relationship, even an unhappy one. He knows how vulnerable you are. If I’m wrong(and I hope I am!) He will be happy to give you space and time to heal before pursuing a relationship with you.

Just my 2 cents, one step at a time. Dreaming of a better life is the first step to getting one! And a man is not an essential part of that life…more an optional extra!xx

[Buddy]

I am stronger and he can see the change in me .. not long got in from work and he isn’t happy as I brought my mask in the house ( shouting don’t bring covid home here to us , I am selfish etc .

I undertand what you are saying about my male friend ( maybe I am in denial ) but he has always said nothing can happen between us , till you sort things and it was a moment of weakness due to alcohol .. I don’t see that as him taking advantage ? Maybe I am wrong ..
he has backed right off now and not replying to my message .. so maybe he feels he did wrong and is giving space .. who knows .. my head is screwed 😬

[Buddy]

Also my husband said to me my hygiene standards are awful ..I said if I am that bad leave me !!
I work in the hospital and I said if my hygiene standards were that bad I would have caught covid by now
Thinking that he hates it that I am working full time and gaining independence , so anything to have a pop

[KIP.]

Abusers don’t need an excuse to abuse you. They will pick on anything or simply make things up. Don’t think about his excuse, think about his abuse. You know he’s going to ruin whatever kind of Christmas you have planned and I’d continue to work on my exit. Nothing will change while you’re with him. Don’t involve a third party in your marriage. It’s not fair on them or you. It could also be dangerous for the third party too.

[Hawthorn]

Oh anything to have a pop is right. I’d say you cant wait to get away from him. Imagine coming home from work and not dealing with that s***. Just peace and quiet to do what YOU want. Magic.

About your friend; like I said I hope I’m wrong too. But you dont need a man to rescue you from this situation. You can save yourself. And be careful not to put your emotions onto this male friend. He might be giving you space…but why not just text you and tell you that? Friends dont ignore and not respond to their friends messages.

Living with abuse messes with out heads. I had to be told multiple times a day I wasnt mental after I left my abuser. I was always completely sane but he made me feel so crazy.

You need space and time alone to get your head straight. Well I certainly have done!

[Buddy]

Yes , you are both right .
I am not sure what is going on with my friend , but I guess time will tell .. maybe another man who isn’t sure how to deal with his emotions !

I got up this morning and told him not to speak to me like he did (detail removed by moderator) in front of the children .. he said well if you thought more about things then I wouldn’t have to .
I said would you like it if a man was treating Our daughter the same way ?
What if she met someone who threw things in arguments ( not that he has for a while) he said oh stop going back to that , walked out of the room and said your a (detail removed by moderator) you are .

[KIP.]

There is absolutely zero point in discussing this with him. He’s not interested in you or your opinion or your feelings and will invalidate them which makes you feel even worse. You can bet now you’ve asked him not to speak to you that way in front of the children that he will now make a point of doing so. And you shouldn’t have to ask in the first place.

[Hawthorn]

Kip is right you know. He feeds on you being upset and annoyed. It makes him feel strong. You need to starve him. He will not change so talking to him is like screaming into the void. He wants control, not a mutually beneficial relationship.

Your silence is your power. Zip it. Everything you tell him he will twist and use against you. So tell him nothing. Confronting him is pointless and potentially dangerous.

Silence is power. Take your power back.

[Buddy]

Of course .. my god ! When will I learn ladies ? X

[gettingtired]

Oh buddy, I know how you feel about this man outside of the relationship. Meeting the guy I did at work almost helped me to realise how things weren’t right in my relationship. Even though the conversation online trailed off between us I still think about him all the time. It almost feels like escapism. As sad as I feel to admit this I almost feel like it gives me strength in that there might be another man out there for me or that I could be with him one day! Rather than my abusive partner who I always felt was my soulmate and ‘the one’. I never thought I would be scared of being alone forever but I guess i am 🙁
I agree with previous comments we are vulnerable. The freedom programme gives early warning signs for each different type of man (the jailer, the head worker, the bully etc) so I think think that should be our handbook when we do leave them! xx

[KIP.]

Being alone forever is a much better choice than a lifetime of abuse x 💕

[Author]

Posts