Where to start…

[iwantchange]

So this is the first time I’ve ever done this, I’ve had friends who in the past have suggested I go onto sites like this but I’ve just been so hesitant because I guess in a way I didn’t think I needed it. Kept making excuses for things that was happening to me, just wanted to forget anything ever happened. But the more it happens, the more I’m thinking about,I honestly don’t know what I’m thinking about. I just want it to stop. My partner isn’t a bad person, he just has moments where the anger takes over. I must sound so silly I’m sorry. Our relationship started off so good, honeymoon phrase all lovey dovey then after a couple of years. I saw a side to him I never thought I’d see. Was the first time he hit me, I was the type of person who would leave straight away but I’m now (detail removed by moderator) years into the relationship. It don’t happen all the time but it’s been multiple. Family and friends tell me to leave but it’s just so hard I can’t even explain it I love him and feel like I can change him, but slowly realising this ain’t the case. His a good person it’s just sometimes when he gets angryI find myself just getting nervous/scared and I move away. Sorry if I’m not making sense like I said this is my first time doing something like this and I don’t know if it’s the right thingbut I need someone to talk too.

[Lisa]

Hi there iwantchange,

You are making sense with what you’re saying; you sound really quite conflicted. There aren’t many relationships that start off as abusive, and perpetrators of domestic abuse aren’t abusive all the time; if they were no one would stay in these relationships. Abuse often starts as a ‘drip feed’ effect. Unfortunately the ‘nice’ times tend to get less and the abuse tends to increase.

It’s important for you to know that you haven’t caused this behaviour from him, and you can’t change his behaviour. Only he can change his behaviour and only if he is willing to genuinely take responsibility for what he’s been doing and actively seek help. Unfortunately a lot of the time perpetrators tend to blame the other person for what they’ve been doing rather than taking that responsibility- it’s all part of the abuse- trying to make you feel guilty for what they’ve done.

No one can tell you what to do here but I’m glad you’re reaching out for support. You’re clearly a good person who’s trying to see the best in someone, but please do look after yourself- call the police if you need to.

It might also be worth you looking into the Freedom Programme. It’s an informative course that looks into the different dynamics of domestic abuse- it might just help you get some clarity around everything.

Take care and keep posting,

Lisa

[iwantchange]

All I ever do is want to see the best in him. When things are good we’re the happiest ever. And I forget about all the badness. Months go by and it makes me excited because I’m in a bubble of happiness. Am I weak for staying in this relationship? My friends they don’t understand, they think I’ve now chosen this life because I haven’t left and that is not the case. They don’t know him like I do, love him like I do. It’s so complicated.

When he lashes out, I get angry and tell myself that is it. I’m leaving but I get scared and I can’t move, I can’t see life without him. Then he apologizes and I try tell myself it’s ok next time I will go. We’re ok now but I’m hurting and I don’t have a voice because I can’t tell my family, can no longer tell my friends much because I feel like I don’t deserve to moan.

I love my man, I just want it to stop. He is trying to seek help but sometimes moments can still happen, I stay far away after just waiting for him to calm down hoping he don’t come back to me. When he calms down his back to the loving man I know and it’s so frustrating. I could go on but I should stop. At the moment I’m not strong enough to walk away I’m still hoping the last time was exactly it…. the last time

[Overcome]

Oh sweetheart, well done for reaching out! Every small step can feel like a massive hurdle so be kind to yourself for making this first step.

What you are describing is what so many of us are experiencing/have gone through. I only really woke up to it last year and I went through all sorts of rationales in my head about it, trying to downplay things, thinking I could help him or make him change.

I am now on the other end, so very nearly completely free of him although we have children together so not that easy. I now see him for what he is, he won’t ever change, at least I can’t change him.

Have a look at you tube, there are so many self help videos that help to make sense of your situation – try looking up cycles of abuse and trauma bonding? There are many books too, living with the dominator; there is also one by Lundy Bancroft called why does he do that.

Don’t worry about making any hard and fast decisions right away, take your time, get your head around what’s happening; it’s not easy breaking away we all know that.

Keep posting, take care x x

[iwantchange]

Thank you Overcome for your post. In a way I feel like I’m betraying my partner for being on here but I just need advice. It’s nice hearing off you because you understand exactly how I’m feeling whereas my friends they don’t have a clue.

I also have a child with my partner which makes things even harder because I’m breaking up a family and it hurts to even think about it.

Thank you so much I will check out the links and do some research. You are right it does take time but its been years but its not easy at all, I still think he can change but there’s only so much I can deal with right now. Crazy because I never thought I’d ever be in a situation like this.

Thank you again. Take care x*x

[Camel]

Hi Iwanttochange

You’re strong and brave to reach out here. I hope you get the support you need.

Know that a breakup will not be your fault. He’s abusive, in spite of the child, in spite of your love for him, in spite of your forgiveness, in spite of your excuses.

What did his sorry mean to you when he said it the first time? What about the twentieth time? Or the hundredth? Will it be more or less meaningful the thousandth time?

x

[iwantchange]

Hi Camel.

I understand what you mean but can’t help feeling some sort of guilt. When he first apologised the first time of course it was genuine and I know the more times he apologises the less you actually feel the apology.

I know that’s how I felt the last time he lashed out, so easy to say sorry after. How about just don’t do it? We’re good at the moment and I hope it stays like that. Just not nice thinking it could happen again.

I’m at the point where I know this is wrong, but I don’t have the strength to leave. I should’ve been stronger from the start maybe it wouldn’t still be carrying on.

X

[Author]

Posts