Which way is up?

[Miserablemum]

I don’t know where to start. I’ve been with my husband for many years, we have children of school age 2 of which have special needs. I’m always in the wrong, always having a go at him (even though I don’t think I am). If I don’t answer him immediately or only use short sentences I’m in trouble and told off if I don’t hear what he’s said, I’m not listening or spending too much time on my phone. He’s never hurt me physically but can go over the top with the children. When I say something about this he says he should be able to discipline the children how he sees fit and then completely ignores them and me for days on end telling the children that he’s not allowed anything to do with them and his opinion doesn’t count. Christmas and new year were hell for us, I tried to make it good for the children and ignore his anger. He has been diagnosed with depression but doesn’t take his pills but self medicates with cannibis every single day, all day when not at work (he works part time). He does this around the children too but yet again when I say he shouldn’t the usual ignoring and passive aggressiveness comes out. I feel this is my fault, I apparently am always being horrible to him and having a go even though I don’t think I am. Simple things are taken the wrong way and even when I try to explain he won’t listen. For example (detail removed by moderator). I feel I’m constantly walking on egg shells trying not to say the wrong thing in case I upset him. He shouts and swears at me and the children all the time calling them the worst swear word (the C one!). Over Christmas/new year he said I’d changed and never laughed or smiled anymore and he thinks I don’t love him. He was staying up till the early hours. One of the nights he was in bed but came downstairs, my middle child was awake and followed him downstairs. They then came up to me and said daddy told me to say he’s crying. I didn’t go down though. Middle child went downstairs again then came back to me devestated saying daddy said he was going to kill himself! (Detail removed by moderator). I settled her then went downstairs and had words with him, I was so angry. A couple of years ago when his behaviour was really bad I left with the children for a couple of days. I didn’t tell any friends or family. He put a status on Facebook which made people concerned about him and also said I’d left him. Cue lots of messages telling me to go home. When I did go back I found blood all over the hallway, luckily I’d left kids in the car. I found him on the sofa passed out with a head wound. I woke him and he admitted to drinking and taking several sleeping pills, he had no memory of the head wound he had. I then spent the day at a and e with him getting stitches etc. I feel I can’t leave again because of this and because maybe I am in the wrong. I don’t tell people what he’s like. A few people have noticed the way he treats us but I tell them that it’s not his fault. Most people see him as a lovely person. One of the other problems is sex. I often don’t want to because of the way he’s been and how it’s made me feel. This causes arguments, he equates sex with love. He constantly gropes me, even in front of the kids. I say I don’t like it and find it a turn off but still does it and always has done. I’ve suggested counseling which he says is pointless because they always side with the women and wouldn’t see his side. I feel like a terrible mum, wife and person. Please help me make sense of this and how I can make it better. I don’t think this is domestic abuse but not sure.
Thanks for reading.

[Tiffany]

It is abuse. Having a go at you occasionally is probably normal. Not nice, but we all do it. Doing it to the extent that you are walking on eggshells and can’t talk normally with him ever? That’s verbal abuse. Calling you names is also verbal abuse, and isn’t a normal part of a relationship at all. Groping you is sexual abuse.

The self harming because you had gone away is emotional abuse. Obviously not all self harming is emotional abuse, but it seems clear that this was done with the intention of stopping you going away without him ever again. Telling your child that he is going to kill himself is emotional abuse and also child abuse. It’s a truly awful thing to do. It’s bad enough that you are on the recieving end of this behaviour, but to expose a child to it is frankly unforgivable. And I speak as someone who has self harmed and experienced suicidal ideation. You don’t confide that stuff to kids. You just don’t. You tell grown up people who might be able to help (if you are in the position to make rational decisions) – ideally medical professionals. Or you don’t tell anyone at all.

I suspect given that you mention him only working part time and taking drugs that there might also be financial abuse. Probably in the form of spending the family’s money so you can’t save up to leave.

I am sorry you are in such a tough situation. The one good thing is that you dodged a bullet on the counseling front. It is very much not advised to go to counseling with an abuser as they can actually end up manipulating the counselor and making things worse. I would suggest that you find some time to call the Women’s Aid helpline. Or if you have a local branch to go in and see a worker in person. I think talking through what you are experiencing with a professional who understands abuse would really help you.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi miserablemum, as hard as it is to hear, but your partner is abusing not just you but your children to. He is responsible for himself and his emotional needs. If he has depression, does he see a psychiatrist, has he a cpn. you say he self medicates. Cannabis is renowned for causing low moods, paranoia and lethargy. When he says he feels suicidal the next time and there will be, as a concerned partner dial 999 and repirt him as a potential risk to himself as he’s done it before. Not all abusers do kill themselves but some do, as once they’re gone you have to live with that guilt for ever even though no-one is responsible for another’s actions.
Have you ever spoken to your own doctor as to how he behaves and it makes you feel, it’s anither way of logging his behaviour to paint a bigger picture fir the future when you are able to leave. Everything is too much just now. It would seem as if you’ve just realised your being abused, that feeling knocks us fir 6. Dealing with that revelation and dealing with your children is enough for your world to be literally turned upside down. If you can contact WA, they have their own solicitors who specialise in DA, they can even get him out of the family home so you dont have to move. Everything is done at your pace, you dont need anyone else telling you you should do this that or the next thing, he does enough of that to last a lifetime. It’s a huge step you’ve taken just posting on here, but it’s the first to you being free of him eventually. doesn’t matter how short or long your journey is, it’s yours and you’re in control of it.
Knowledge is power and you’ll gain so much of that here. There’s a great book called living with the dominater by pat craven. Power and Control is another one, and why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Read up on trauma bonding and the FOG )fear obligation and guilt)
Post anytime and about anything that’s worrying you.
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Lisa]

Hi Miserablemum,

Thank you for posting and welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a helpful place to be. As the replies you’ve received say, what you have explained is definitely domestic abuse. You’ve explained significant emotional abuse, in particular him threatening suicide, which sadly is a commonly used tactic which can make you feel incredibly trapped in the relationship. Any sexual coercion, such as making you feel guilty so that you have sex with him, or any unwanted sexual contact is sexual abuse.
You are not a terrible mother, wife or person, as you wrote. He will be making you feel this way, because part of the abuse is turning things around onto you and making you feel responsible. You are not responsible for his actions and he is the only one causing this. However, it’s only you that can make changes, and it sounds like your children are experiencing this abuse too, so they need you to protect them as much as you possibly can.

If you feel you can I suggest calling the 24 hour freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence. They won’t tell you what to do, or rush you into taking any action, but can talk through your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. Keep talking when you can, there’s support for you here, at your pace.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Miserablemum]

Thank you for your replies Tiffany, IWMB and Lisa. I’ve had a rough few days, I’m very confused and it was very confronting reading your replies. I plan on calling WA tomorrow when he’s at work. I just don’t know what to do at the minute. I’ve withdrawn, he keeps asking me what he’s done but I don’t know what to say. Is there any point trying to explain how his ways affect us all yet again?
Thanks again

[Tiffany]

Sadly no, there is no point. Try not to let him know what is going on. You will be safer that way, as if he suspects he is losing control of you he may become unpredictable. You generally see an increase of the kind of “nice but manipulative” behaviour (love bombing), which makes it harder to think straight and decide on your next steps, but there is also a risk he will get violent. Talk to women’s aid first.

[Iwantmeback]

No b there’s no point in explaining anything. They see it as us criticising them even though its only trying to explain. It’s their reality not ours. Contact WA as soon as you can. Read the verbally abusive relationship by pat craven, it’s hugely enlightening.
IWMB 💕💕

[Miserablemum]

I left this morning and We’re with family. Things are moving quickly. He threatened suicide again so called the police. They went round and said he was absolutely fine and they had no worries. They spoke to me and the kids and said about MASH(?). He’s been texting all day ranging from blame to I love you, I haven’t answered any of them. Will contact my local WA tomorrow (spoke to national WA today) and I need to go to the council tomorrow about involuntary homelessness. Thanks again for all your advice xx

[KIP.]

Wow. Absolutely well done. Please block his number. You don’t need to hear his manipulation and mind games. Or if you can get a cheap phone to use and change your number then let the old phone record his messages and threats. Keep that as evidence. You dont even have to look at it. Threats of suicide from abusers are very common. Well done for ringing the police. Good thinking. I bet he changed his tune when they appeared. You can also ring an ambulance for him but I bet he changes his tune when they want to section him. I would recommend you get some legal advice too. Rights for Women offer free legal advice. And you can get some free initial advice from a local family solicitor with experience in domestic abuse. Keep all his texts and messages. Thats great evidence that he’s either unstable or a nasty manipulator. Either way the courts or social services won’t like it.

[KIP.]

About the Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub (MASH)

Concerns are dealt with by a dedicated team of child protection professionals known as the Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub (MASH).

The MASH team brings together staff and information from the following agencies

• Children’s Social Care
• Crime Reduction Initiative
• Domestic Abuse Advisor
• Early Help Team
• East Midlands Ambulance Service
• Education / Schools
• Fire and Rescue Service
• Health / NHS
• Police
• Probation Service
• Youth Offending Team

The MASH team are able to identify risks to and needs of children at the earliest possible point and respond with the most effective, joined up actions. The aim of the MASH is to make the right decisions for the right families at the right time.

[KIP.]

I got the above off the Internet. It might not be specific to your area but it gives you an idea. They’re there to help you all stay safe x

[Iwantmeback]

Wow, that is awesome. Well done and kudos to calling the police re his suicide ‘attempt’. They use that so often, not realising that as a caring person of course we’re going to call someone to help them since we can’t. They really don’t think any further than themselves do they. I really am in awe of you. 💜
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

You are incredible and brave. Don’t answer his messages (and like KIP said maybe get a new number and let the old one just record what he sends you. That way you have evidence of his behaviour, but you don’t have to deal with seeing it every time you check your phone. No contact with our abusers makes an incredible difference. I hope things go well with women’s aid tomorrow. Stay safe.

[Author]

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