Viewing 5 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #128067
      Farawayplanet
      Participant

      I did it!

      I left.

      Why do I have so much emotions. I go from being strong and able during the day to buckling at the knees at night.

      I can’t sleep, I worry about him. I know I shouldn’t. He’s sleeping rough because of me. He cries on the phone when he calls to speak to our child which sets our child off.

      I try to remember all the bad times, all the control and abuse but sometimes I just sit here crying. It wasn’t all bad. We did have some good times but I know I needed to leave.

      I just need to keep reminding myself.

      I kept a diary a few years ago of everything he did to me. I wished I kept it now. I ended up chucking it during lockdown just incase it was found.

      I’m trying to look to the future and how much more happier I will be. I can’t see past tonight right now.

      I wish I wasn’t a worrier, worrying about him.

      Someone slap me please!

    • #128074
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      He’s not sleeping rough because of you.

      He just is not.

      He is sleeping rough as a consequence of his behaviour and choices.

      I know how you’re feeling because I felt the same about my ex when he was put in prison after I made a statement. But as women’s aid said, everything in that was absolutely true with evidence to back it up, and because his history with previous partners was taken into account. Your responsibility is to yourself and child. And that responsibility is to stay safe from abusive people. Emotionally safe. Physically safe. Financially safe. Whatever. He cannot be safe around you reliably so you had to make a tough decision.

      FOG. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. The abusers armory. You can step away from those just like you stepped away from him. Even at night. It might just take a little while for it to all sink on.

      Things do get better.

      In the meantime perhaps restrict the telephone access. You don’t need to hear him crying. He’s crying from self pity not remorse. Crocodile tears. If he came back it’d no doubt be the same as before or worse.

      GR

    • #128101
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Firstly, well done for getting out! I’m so pleased for you. You have made a really brave choice for you and your child.

      I completely agree with Grey Rock. You had to make the decision to get away from him because of him, so he is 100% the reason for him sleeping rough. No normal person would expect you and your child to suffer abuse to make his life easier. He is living with the consequences of his abuse. I understand that it’s hard to know that he’s sleeping rough but abuse forces us to choose between us and them. It is impossible to do what they want and what you need. If he had any care and respect for your wellbeing, you wouldn’t have been forced to make this choice.

      It’s not fair to your child to have to hear him crying. In general I think it’s fine for parents to cry in front of children and for children to see that it’s ok to get upset, but this is not a normal situation. He’s forcing his self pity onto you both. This isn’t him just letting your child witness him being upset, this is him trying to manipulate you both. Imagine if your child starts begging you to take him back – that’s exactly what he wants!

      You’ve already taken a big brave step to protect your child. Your child has been through enough. You don’t have to let your child be dragged into more of the mind games. It’s reasonable to say that he can only speak to your child if he can do it in a way that doesn’t upset your child. Sending love xxxx

    • #128114
      Camel
      Participant

      It would be a good idea to set boundaries. Set a specific time in the day, convenient to you, for him to call and speak to your child. Ignore calls outside of this time. When he calls, put the phone on speaker so you can hear everything. If he starts crying or saying anything inappropriate to your child, end the call. And don’t get into conversation with him. He’s not meant to be calling to speak to you.

    • #128115
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Great suggestions Camel

    • #128248
      Farawayplanet
      Participant

      Thankyou all

      Still processing everything but yes, setting boundaries is the way forward.

      Just wish I could sleep at night. I often see the early hours.

      🙂

Viewing 5 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditions │ Privacy & cookie policy │ Site map │ Protect yourself online│ Media │ Jobs │ Accessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content