Why after a horrific assault does it seem to be ok to act normal the day after

[Random.]

Not sure how many other of us do this but I question why after horrible & incessantly constant assaults do I keep acting angry but then give in because I’m so tired of myself & of the situation that I just cave & act like nothings happened. I very rarely cry anymore I just crack on & try not to break.
I know this isn’t healthy & I always try to make steps to get out of the situation especially now we have a newborn together but I never seem to follow through & just feel like I’m waiting for the next round of violence & undermining me as a person & me as a mum..

[Bananaboat]

It’s a survival thing, you’ve learnt a reaction doesn’t help. Also look up cognitive dissonance, our brains trick us into overlooking the bad. This life is a cycle so there’s also a kind of relief after a blow out, as horrible as they are and as angry as you feel you recognise there’s a period of nice or calm coming now and subdue your anger so as not to ruin that. Start keeping a log of things and you’ll notice the pattern which also helps your brain recognise this isn’t ok x

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Random

Congratulations on your new baby. You have a lot going on and my heart goes out to you coping with a newborn and the abuse.

I understand your confusion around your reaction, and Bananaboat says it well.

Sadly, over the time you have been caught in this abuse it has become your normal, and it’s such a relief when it stops. Also, why would you raise it again or behave in any way other than what’s expected of you because to do so would just escalate him again. Mostly it’s just relief to be left alone isn’t it.

You are not alone, and you are seeking to understand, that’s important in your process to find your way. This is very difficult to manage when you have a newborn, so take good care of you and your new baby and keep you both safe as you possibly can. Your lives matter and you deserve to be free of abuse.

Warmest wishes

ts

[gettingtired]

I couldn’t agree more with Bananaboat and Twisted Sister. You just learn to let sleeping dogs lie and move on with the relief of a moment’s peace. The sad thing is it’s just a cycle that continues until the next round of violence and rage. I would just act normal the following day with my ex as I learnt that nothing would change and it just wasn’t worth it. He would often end up annoyed with me for ‘acting normal’ despite his outbursts the night before, so I couldn’t win anyway, even if I tried to just get on with things. They just change the goal posts to exhaust you x

[Sunshines]

I found that physical violence was worse at its peak when I had a new born.
Congratulations by the way try your very best to get some time alone with your baby to bond.
I don’t understand why the violence gets worse around this time it may be the vulnerability that we as women display.
I also think you start to normalise the abuse and it’s definitely apart of the cycle. Try to get some rest and get away if you can from this and start a new life. I wish I had of felt the way I do now towards my abuser when my baby was born x*x sending you love

[StrongLife]

This happened to me too- he would be “normal” soon after like nothing happened, make weird promises and that would be the last of it to the next time.

I would get put downs and jokes in front of kids. In the end it became a regular occurrence.

Reaction was very dangerous for me in this situation- I learnt in time not to do that to make the situation worse, name calling worse etc.

[Random.]

Ah it’s awful to know so many others go through this but also strangely comforting to know it’s not just me being bizarre & feeling like an absolute doormat.
It is right that you just end up thinking a slight relief for a couple of days at least that you hope nothings going to happen in those following days. It’s not always a guarantee though unfortunately & before you know it everything escalates again so quickly.
I do think the more lenient you get with the behaviour the more frequently it happens..
Hope you’re all OK, take care ladies!

[Author]

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