Why am I craving having a man in my life after all the abuse?

[SunshineRainflower]

So I’m not long out of my abusive relationship and before that I had been single for years, and for most of that time felt like I was happy enough working on my life. I had hope that one day I would meet the right guy and settle down.

Last year I started to feel lonely and like I wanted a partner to do activities with so I decided to try dating again. I joined an online dating site and I was feeling very hopeful, innocent, nervous but mostly positive about it and had faith that there were good men out there who would treat me right and be respectful and kind to go on a few dates with and if I was lucky I might meet someone to start a relationship with.

Sadly I met several total weirdos, liars and cheats and was starting to feel despondent yet still with a glimmer of hope when I met my abusive ex. He seemed like a breath of fresh air compared to them and was clean shaven, respectful, friendly, positive, polite, keen but not over the top, gentlemanly and it felt great to go on respectful traditional dates with someone who seemed to genuinely like me (it’s so painful now thinking it was all an act as I don’t think he was ever faithful to me, even right from the start, which is more painful than all of the other abuse put together).

Since realising that it was all an act and seeing through his mask to his terrifyingly evil core, realising I was in an abusive relationship where my mind, body and soul were being damaged each day and my life was at risk, for some unfathomable reason, instead of swearing off men for life I keep wanting to find a replacement!

I think this is something to do with wanting to numb the pain and fill the emotional void he has left, plus soothe the loneliness. It’s like I just want a man to hug, someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok, the way he did (after abusing me) but obviously without the abusive side. I think I am quite needy in relationships and need to feel like I am deeply cared for and almost being looked after which I know isn’t healthy but it seems to be how I am.

I had just got used to having a boyfriend after all these years single that I am struggling so so much with loneliness now that a relationship has been ripped away from me in such a horrendous manner (I left him after realising he was abusive and quite probably a psychopath). I will also say that I also miss the intimate side of relationships. It took me a long time to find someone I felt I could trust to be intimate with again, it is crushing to know that I couldn’t have chosen a worse person. I guess I had a reminder of the good side of relationships (before he became abusive) and now I feel like an addict craving her next fix, desperate for a replacement to help me get through all of this pain and loneliness.

Obviously I’m in a terrible state to be dating and am not planning on signing up to any sites (I’m also pretty sure dating sites are bad news for people like me as I am too sensitive, honest and naive for all the liars, cheats, players, predators on there, it’s exhausting having to work out who is genuiney, and really just need a nice kind man who genuinely cares for me and is faithful which don’t seem to be the kind of men on these sites sadly.)

But how do I deal with this addiction like feeling of craving a man? I didn’t feel like this before I met my ex, it’s as if he introduced me to a drug and I became addicted.

Thanks for listening and for any advice.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

You are prob still trauma bonding, not sure how long u have been out, u not alone, i too get days where i just want someone to be with , i say i miss intmacy too , but like u i think im just missing something and just want to overcoem the pain ex put me through and by having a guy its like saying im over wwwhat happened. Just go easy on yourself and let yourself recover, heal, and re discover yourself. I too did all the dating site things, and met loads of weirdos, mental guys , who were just after sex. we are clearly still vunerable, so please dont rush, our trust has been broken and we need to get over that

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks confused123, yes it must be the trauma bonding. I think I will avoid dating sites for the foreseeable future, I really hope that one day I just meet a good guy and never have to go on a dating site again as they seem to be full of weirdos, predators, cheats, liars and all the types of men that just cause us pain and heartbreak. It’s just hard meeting men in person these days, I’m not sure what the answer is really, but for now I am not wanting to get involved with anyone, I’m not ready at all and have a lot of wounds to heal. It’s helping to spend time with friends instead and focus on my goals and hopefully one day I will meet a good guy for a healthy loving caring normal relationship, that would be nice.

[Nova]

Sunshine, hi, sounds like your v self aware and can identify the potential harm out there in ‘ dating world’ …as C123 says probably trauma bonding feelings which can interfere with rational thinking…and also there’s the human instinct to want to be with ‘someone’ intimately…

However like you ladies, I too went on a couple of dates and found myself triggered by the guy, watching him like a hawk, and picking up on anything & everything he said!

Maybe I’m over sensitive atm, fair enough I recognise that… and he was ok…whatever the reason, I’m just not nearly ready for dating. Although part of me thinks of it as a challenge against my ex…like, he’s not going to take that away from me, because he was like that, is no reflection on others.

I like travelling, and I’m used to that someone to travel with being my ex, now I feel also that’s taken away from me, so the dating need for me,maybe linked…I just need to find a new travelling companion, not a date!
So much easier.

Cx

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your reply Cuppa. It’s great that you tried dating but recognised that you weren’t yet ready, that sounds very healthy. I would be the same, hyper vigilant and watching them like a hawk. I can imagine myself being quite snappy at them if they even tried to flirt! But agree it’s frustrating how paranoid our abusers have made us when some of these men are probably good people. Maybe it’s good that our walls are up high though now and to date we will need to let them down a bit but not too much.

I am doing the same as you and focusing on friends instead of dates, I know what you mean about travelling alone too, I have been on holiday alone several times and liked it at first but now find it kind of lonely. I think I’m going to look for group holidays in future to avoid the isolation and loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Hi this sounds exactly like I was & how I met the serious abuser I left. Also how I see myself & being very aware I have attracted abusers all my life because of who I am. Now terrified to be alone, terrified of ever getting involved again. Scared I’m not capable of putting healthy boundaries in place to prevent further serious abuse. So much confusion xx

[Lyng]

First off, you are human. Second, everyone’s experience is different in this regard. My own journey was understanding that I am a person with a high libido, and that made me a target for an abuser who could exploit that aspect of me. Just sex, if you are sure that’s what it is, and careful for disease and pregnancy, is not a bad thing for everyone. For me, it was a part of my healing. I used a series of just sex encounters to fully separate myself from my ex. I don’t regret it one bit. One of the men is still my friend, although sex is not a part of it as I have settled with the right person for me. We do not live together, and he helps me through, emotionally and sexually. The biggest danger is to clearly understand where your feelings are coming from and ensure that if you are craving a companion, seek that, and if it’s a few meaningless encounters to exorcise your demons, that may be OK too.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Lyng thanks for your reply, it was interesting hearing what worked for you and I’m glad it helped you to heal. I know for me that that the main thing I miss is affection, rather than just purely sex. The catalyst at the end of my relationship was my ex being extremely cold and unaffectionate towards me after sex and me questioning him about it and him getting angry and defensive. I felt really rejected and neglected and like he was just using my body for his own gratification which was a very sad, lonely, worrying feeling and it made me realise that he didn’t care for me the way he pretended to.

Sex can be wonderful but I think I mainly miss the hugs, hand holding and general touch and affection that you get from a loving, caring relationship so that’s not something I can get from just anyone. I’m glad because I would be terrified of getting raped or assaulted if I was to try to find a friends with benefits situation, that is not me at all as I’d just feel insecure and anxious and needy but I know it works for some people and can be healing if it is what feels right for the individuals involved.

I realised that one of the things that made me vulnerable to my abuser was this need for affection, caring, attention so I am trying to provide those things for myself by being kind and loving to myself and doing yoga, cooking nice food for myself, going swimming, having relaxing baths, pedicures, booking pampering treats like a nice hair cut etc. It’s not easy though as you can’t replace the feeling of having a loving partner but I’m trying to make myself as strong and un-needy as possible to reduce my vulnerability. Hopefully one day I will meet a genuine man for a loving relationship and hopefully not too far in the future as I’ve spent the majority of my life single anyway and once I am healed I would love to be part of a healthy partnership.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your reply Blueberry. I know what you mean about being scared of attracting another abuser in the future, I feel the same. What is helping me is attending a local course where I am learning about the signs to look for in abusive men. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to recommend books on here but if I am then I am reading a very good book called ‘What does he do that? – Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men’ by Lundy Bancroft. It is an excellent book which is clearly written and easy to read all about the different types of abusers out there and what to look out for. I feel this knowledge will help me, fingers crossed. And also having an awareness of my tendency to be attracted to and attract abusers due to childhood problems. I’m waiting to get therapy to help with this to try to rewire my brain so that I cna attract some healthy good kind men instead. I just have to live in hope that it all works!!

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