Why am I feeling so sorry for him?

[Optimystic]

I’m lying awake and I feel very conflicted. Here’s me planning to leave him with our child. He’s oblivious to this. I look at him, and just feel painfully sorry for him. Sometimes, he just seems so vulnerable and helpless. I’m starting to doubt myself and everything I believe to be true. I don’t love him as such, a lot of times I feel hateful. Now I feel numb. Except for feeling sorry for him. What eats me up more is my son telling me he hates this house and I still worry about my partner more. I love my son more than anything. I’m leaving for lots of reasons, but definitely for him. Wondered if anyone feels this too? It’s taking me 3 steps back again x

[KIP.]

It’s brain washing and programming from an abuser. They keep us in a FOG of Fear Obligation and Guilt. Feeling sorry for him won’t stop the abuse or protect you and your child from harm. I was the same when my ex was arrested but then instead of accepting accountability for his violence he actually blamed me. Made false allegations against me and started a nasty smear campaign. They are dangerous, cannot form a meaningful bond and would destroy you both in a heartbeat to regain the upper hand. Try to think with your head instead of your heart. Try to think of the trauma bond you feel. If a stranger abused you, they would be reported and arrested. Just because he’s your partner doesn’t make a difference. In many ways it’s worse that he would betray that trust. Whatever memories you have of abuse you can use them to encourage you to get safe. Including writing a journal of all the abuse you have suffered x it’s child abuse to allow a child to witness abusive episodes and has a huge detrimental effect on them. Their growth, mental health, ability to trust x

[Camel]

You look at this man and what you feel is a mix of pity and hate?

Pity. And hate. And yet you doubt yourself? Really?

Vulnerable and helpless? Honestly? Don’t expect him to be happy when you leave. But he’ll cope.

Everything always looks worse in the wee small hours. x

[gettingtired]

Hi Optimystic, I could have written this minus the having a child. The two main things holding me back from leaving him are that I’m scared of what he will do and I’m so worried about him and feel so bad. The guilt is so hard. I’m totally putting himself before me but I can’t snap out of it. Hope you’re doing ok xx

[Treetopsgreen]

I am the same. I feel sorry for my husband, but its more pity that i feel.

My husband tries to make me feel guilty.

[Hellohellohello]

I can empathise with you. I left my partner recently after years of abuse from him. Sometimes I feel angry but mostly I feel sad and sorry for him and guilty for leaving because he has health problems.

[Graysky]

Hi I can relate to those feelings too. I wasted so many years feeling too guilty to leave. Sometimes it was fear of what he would do if I left but alot of the time I felt it was because I did everything for him and paid half the mortgage/bills. I felt responsible for him.
I left quite a few times and went back only leaving for good when I felt he was in a position to be able to support himself financially .
Even though I took only a small percentage of what I was entitled too he still made me feel guilty.
Now I feel guilty for not leaving much earlier in my life as I have wasted his life too. But I have moved on now and am much happier and looking back seems like a bad dream . I never thought I would do it I just keep pinching myself to make sure it’s real.

[Author]

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