why am I like this?

[leeshwa]

Nearly a week since my last post and I’ve not left him.

I told him everything I had to say and told him I was leaving and exactly why I wanted to leave.
I was set to go, packed up my things while he was away…
All I needed to do was speak to my family and move back with them.
Yet i’m still here.

I let him convince me to stay after hours of discussion, and him begging me to stay. But I’ve told him this is the last time I can do this.
He’s told me things will change and get better because he now sees how serious I am and it’s a massive shock to him, as he said he didn’t realise how bad I felt about everything.
Although I have told him endless times how I feel.
He’s promised he can change, will get the help he needs and do whatever it takes to make me happy.

Why didn’t I just leave, why am I like this…?

It just felt too hard to go, and the crazy thing was that when I told him it was over for real and I was leaving, he broke down in front of me, and I felt broken, and the only thing that would make it better was to be with him and I just wanted to cuddle up and forget the world.
I love him so much and in that moment I forgot about all the bad things and all I could think about was the good times…

I think part of it is that I just don’t want to go back to my parents or tell them whats been going on.

I just now feel even worse I’ve said i’ll give him one last shot, when I really know deep down that it’s not going to work out, and i’m just prolonging this whole process.

[Had.enough]

I wish i had stayed and listened to his begging. My parents got involved and wanted me out for my sake and their grandchildren. I feel annoyed with them for getting involved when i was not ready to leave. I wish i gave him one last shot.

I hope everything works out and stay safe. You know when you are ready to leave.

[Had.enough]

Only because I am finding the whole family court system hard now *

[KIP.]

I’m sure you’ve given him many many chances before. Google trauma bonding. There is never one last shot. You don’t need to wait to be abused again. Leave without his knowledge while he’s away. They use fear, Obligation and Guilt and are Oscar winning actors. My ex completely broke down, begged, cried and pleaded. Then when he changed my mind his mood turned instantly to the cat that got the cream. While my mood plummeted to new depths. It took the police intervention to make me safe. Tell your parents what’s going on and take their help. Had.enough, please don’t be angry at your parents, at least they had your best interests at heart and that of their grandchildren which is more that can be said for an abuser. Sometimes we just can’t think straight and can’t see what’s best for us. In time I hope you come to realise there’s only one person you should be angry with and that’s the person who chose to abuse you x

[Author]

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