Why am I not jumping for joy?

[Daisydo]

So after years of living in a marriage where the abusive, aggressive moments took over from the good moments, the last year has been really hard. I asked him to leave on lots of occasions and he did a couple of times, but then emotionally blackmailed me with threats of suicide and I let him home. Now he has agreed to go and seperate, leave me and the children in the family home so why do I feel drained, deflated, sad, guilty, scared, really scared and uncertain? It doesn’t make sense? Maybe I won’t feel happier until he actually goes and doesn’t try to come back, I don’t know. I just thought I would feel happier, relief but I just feel scared for the future.
DD xx

[KIP.]

What he says and what he does are two different things. You’re scared because of his history. This time, the moment he leaves you need to change the locks and go zero contact. There will be plenty time for all sorts of emotions once you’re safe. Meantime try to take things one hour at a time. He hasn’t gone yet, no doubt he’s left you thinking like this because of his manipulative ways, his emotional blackmail probably has already started. Stay strong and remember the reasons you have had to ask him to leave before. Now you know he won’t change you need to put yourself and your children first x

[Lisa]

Hi Daisydo,

It’s perfectly natural to be feeling everything you are feeling; living in an abusive relationship can have a massive impact on mental health and understandably so. When you’re living in that environment you’re constantly questioning yourself, questioning if it’s abusive, trying to tip toe around the other person trying not to upset them. Perpetrators are often very good at making you feel responsible for what they’re doing; making you feel guilty for their abusive behaviours and often you start to believe them. The emotional abuse too; the little put downs/ criticisms can end up having such an impact on self-esteem and confidence on top of all this. It’s exhausting, upsetting and confusing.

Kip is right; often no contact is the best way forward if possible, otherwise the emotional manipulation tends to escalate. You must be feeling so overwhelmed at the moment with everything so try to get as much support in place as possible at the moment; if you haven’t done so already you might want to make contact with your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support.

Keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Escapee]

Hi DD,

You need to be so kind to yourself. Just because the end of living with the abuse is hopefully in sight, you still have all that damage he has caused to get over.

Allow yourself to feel sad, you need to grieve for the relationship that you had hoped of and also, I’m guessing not all of it was bad so your heart will need to get over the loss of that part of the relationship too.

The abuser leaves a whole trail of destruction. The psychological and emotional elements need time to be processed and healed. No doubt you are emotionally exhausted 😔.

I thought once I was out I would start getting better and start living life but the truth was very different. Once safe my whole body took the opportunity to crash, I was a wreck for months – it was the amazing ladies on here that kept me going.

Gather support around you, reach out, learn to put yourself first and take one tiny step at a time. Xx

[Author]

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