Why am I scared when he’s not here

[Helpmeimfedup]

I’ve been in a relationship for a few years now. Things have gone from good to bad to worse to better to worse and so on… He is (in my opinion) an addict, he will go out for days on end to go do cocaine, I don’t know where he ever is and he will just show up back home expect me to mother him (of course I do) until it’s all out of his system. SO MANY TIMES in my head I’ve thought this is the perfect time to leave but all of a sudden I feel like I have a weight on my chest the anxiety is at an all time high and I can’t leave. What if he catches me? What would I say/do. He’s started going out and not taking any keys with him too now so he knows while he’s out (been over 24hrs this time) I have to stay in the house because he ca t get back in. I won’t sleep well either because I’ll have to listen out for the door. This is so difficult and I really don’t know what to do next. This forum is surprisingly helping me by being able to vent a bit as I can’t tell anyone I know.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Helpmeimfedup

Its a classic tactic going out without keys, knowing you are enough under his control that you will wait up, or not go out either in order to make sure his lord and master can return and you will be waiting to open the door for him.

Noone does this except abusers. What would he do if you were asleep? Or has this gone so far that you cannot now sleep until he is back indoors, even if you decide to not listen out for the door anymore?

How about leaving his keys outside somewhere safe, or telling him to, and also saying that if he forgets you’ll check the keys are outside before you go to bed so that he won’t need to keep waking you up?

You could get one of those little key safes that hold a key inside and you use a code to get into it?

Your sleep is so precious, and affects your ability to manage day to day, safeguard it for your own protection.

He is an addict going off on binges this way. Cocaine is highly addictive and will over-inflate his ego to be overly entitled and controlling.

I hope you find a way and glad you can talk here.

warmest wishes ts

[Helpmeimfedup]

I cant manage to stay up we also have two young children so I generally will go to sleep anyway (I’m quite a light sleeper) and if I didn’t answer the door knocking he would ring the door bell til I did.

There have been times where I’ve left a key out if I’ve had to go out to get food or pay bills etc but he told me not to because anyone could find it. I doubt he would agree to a key safe at ours. (He never takes his phone with him when he goes out like this so I can’t actually contact him)

I think these would be great ideas I just know he will shut them down straight away after all it’s the (his name) show!

I’ve been saving money elsewhere for a little while now I don’t have any stuff packed though. A lot of the stuff in the house is mine though I don’t know if I were to plan to leave I could get my stuff somehow too?

Thank you so much for responding

[Twisted Sister]

have you thought about making aplan to leave? Just having some basic things together so you could leave quickly if you had to? Also, you could text that you’d left a key somewhere, or at a friends/neighbours because he’d left his behind?

The more you consider it, without pressurising yourself about when it has to happen, the more you will get used to the idea. Maybe you could gradually put some things/money with a friend/family to build towards a day at some point? Also get lots of support, so that you feel less anxious and know that others will understand. x

[Anonymous]

Hi fed up (don’t blame you) sometimes people who are addicted to drugs have other types of addiction please protect yourself like you say don’t know what he’s doing, he knows you’ll be there to let him in and he’s taking advantage of the fact, your also probably trauma bonded to him too and it does sound like a codependency. He’s obviously got issues and knows you’ll be there to pick up the pieces but who’s picking up the prices for you? your trying to do the work for him and yourself which is stressful and you’ll burnout, if your scared of what he’ll say or catches you trying to leave form a solid exit strategy, it’s not selfish or uncaring it’s self protection and he needs to learn on his own that this is not ok, is this something you want or envisioned as a future relationship (I’m doubting it?) I’ve know people on drugs before and my care was too extreme that I thought I could fix them, but people have to learn their own lessons and your learning this isn’t right for you,give women’s aid a ring and discuss options if your ready to leave whether it’s to refuge or something else but I hope you find a solution that’s right for you 🧡🤗🧡

[Helpmeimfedup]

Really sorry, what does trauma bonded mean? I do vision me being able to leave but I can’t see it being something amicable or that he will let me just go (we have 2 young children) since being with him I’ve heard a horrible story (that he told me) he done to the family of an ex girlfriend I’m unsure of his ‘reason’ but what he did is straight up psychopathic! I would hate for something to happen to my friends or family because I decided to leave I would feel so guilty! It’s almost like me living like this to me is better than him affecting anyone else. I understand now that I can’t help him with addiction and even if I could I still wouldn’t change anything because the abuse isn’t just when he’s on drugs the majority of it is when he’s ‘sober’.

Thank you for responding

[Anonymous]

trauma bonded is when an abusive partner offers momentary bits of nice crumbs or calm with abusive stressful behaviour, it confuses the dopamine/serotonin /oxytocin and cortisol causing havoc with the body’s brain and Adrenalin chemicals to become addicted and feeling emotionally/psychologically tied to that person even though you know the situation/person isn’t right/harmful there’s quizzes on google to test see if you are. 💛🤗💛

[Anonymous]

He’s trying to scare you into staying maybe give live fear free a call see what they advise and try and find if what he’s claiming he’s done is true, a lot of them use intimidation and threats to maintain control of their partners, refuge would be a super safe space for you and your children if your ready to leave, they’re kind of like a B and B but with large kitchens and play areas for the children, the two I’ve been in were nice, but I understand your fears that’s the design of abuse it’s meant to play on them as a mental weapon by very sick individuals, I hope you let us know how you get on and keep in touch with the forum ⛅️🌤☀️

[Bananaboat]

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I’ve been here, a normal person would prioritise their kids, wouldn’t dream of disturbing your/their sleep, would let you know what time they’d be back. But not these men. I’m like you and can’t relax fully until he’s back in the house even though I know he’ll be moody and horrible after a session, but it’s almost better the devil you know isn’t it. I’ve also had the door frame rattled off its hinges, doorbell run repeatedly until I let him in. I don’t know what changed but thankfully he takes his keys. I’d be very surprised if your partner hasn’t got a phone with him when he goes out, as he’ll be contacting his dealer and/or mates to score. What’s the situation with the house, do you own or rent, is it in joint names or just one? The best advice I can give you right now (obviously look after you and little ones as priority) is to learn and educate yourself on abuse. Read some of the books recommended on here or listen to YouTubers like dr Ramani and others, the more you learn the stronger you feel. Talk to woman’said on the chat line, you shouldn’t be living like this and it’s a big scary step to leave xx

[ISOPeace]

Hi there, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You feel scared because that’s how abuse works – abuse is all about control and abusers maintain control by making you feel scared and confused, using all your energy to try to keep them happy rather than looking after your own needs. I’d recommend reading up on abuse, Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is a good place to start.

Be careful not to blame the abuse on his addiction. The addiction may make the abuse worse, but addiction doesn’t make people abusive. Abuse happens when someone believes they have the right to control another person.

Twisted Sister made some good suggestions about the key. Just be aware that the problem is not about the key at all. It’s about him needing to control you. He may refuse to go along with your suggestions, he may ‘forget’ there’s another key, he may just find another way to keep you at home. If any of this happens, just like all the other abuse, it’s not your fault. You haven’t done anything to deserve any of this. I’m not saying don’t try, just don’t blame yourslef if it doesn’t work.

Your fears about leaving are completely normal and justified. Women’s Aid always says to leave while he’s not in and don’t tell him until you’re safely away. That’s what most of us have done. He sounds very dangerous. The fact that he told you about what he did to an ex is a clear threat to keep you too scared to leave. But you can leave safely. You just have to plan ahead and leave when you’re ready. Women’s Aid can help you with preparing a safe plan to leave. It might all seem impossible now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t manage to leave. Sending love xxxx

[Eggshells]

Have you considered asking the police for a Clare’s Law check?

Please contact your local DV charity for support and advice. You can find their details using this link. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

They should be able to tell you about different court orders that you can get to prevent him from returning to the house.

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