This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Walkingonsunshine 2 days, 16 hours ago.

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  • #108332

    I was doing so well, told him I wanted to seperate, We’re living apart. Yet I can’t seem to let go and finish the job – sell the house, split the possessions etc.
    I was so sure this was what I wanted, yet I can’t let go. He’s started working from home the odd days a week, so we’re spending a bit of time as a family and it’s actually been nice. He’s apologised for being controlling and manipulative over the years, He’s on medication from the doctors and has me wondering…should I give him another chance? Another chance for all the years we’ve had, for the sake of our children.
    Has anyone had successful couples counselling?
    Yet the other part of me says, this is just ‘love bombing’ if we did do counselling, how many years would it give us? 2-3 at the most…but at least I’d know, if all the same red flags and traits came back, I’d know for good.

  • #108337

    It sounds like ‘hoovering’. You’d got away, had your own space, then somehow he’s got his feet under your table and is saying and doing all the right things to make you forget why you wanted to get away. I’d be inclined to let him know that you’re pressing ahead with splitting your assets and see what his reaction is. As for couples counselling, a definite no! It implies a meeting of the minds, shared responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship and shared responsibility for fixing it. He may be saying sorry now but do you think it’s a bit late?

    • #108341

      Thanks Camel. It’s funny, at the beginning he was all “well you can kiss goodbye to this and that” all he was bothered about was him loosing out on all the materialistic things he couldn’t have on his own, he didn’t once say “I don’t want you to go because I love you”
      Months later his attitude has changed, It’s almost like he’s learned what works and what doesn’t.
      I know if I stayed I wouldn’t be fully happy. But I see how much happy the children seem when we’re together and it plays on my heartstrings so much 💔

  • #108343

    Have you read Lundy Bancrofts book “When Dad Hurts Mom” explains well how children really feel, and how they behave and act. Children like the status quo, they want to be like everyone else, so for now that is what it feels like to them. But what about in a couple of months time when it all goes back to normal? You’re pulling your hair out, looking pale and drawn from lack of sleep, worrying about everything, atmosphere at the dinner table…Whatever the things were that made you leave in the first place…They probably weren’t really happy then. Two happy separate parents probably much better than what you were experiencing before? Maybe? Just thoughts, I’m a bit tired so might be not explaining it very well! I sent you a pm to make you smile about couples counselling 😉

    • #108350

      Thanks @iliketea I’ve not read that one no, still working my way through ‘why does he do that’
      I was surprised at their reaction when we told them we were seperating, I thought that they’d have picked up on the bad vibes at dinner table. Him always shouting at me etc but they were distraught. We both seem to be in a much better place after time away. He’s stepped up and being a better dad, basically doing all the things I’ve always wanted him to do which is why I’m tempted to try again…even though I don’t believe it’s really him, I clinging onto some mad hope and I guess like you just described for the kids I want some ‘normal’ I’m craving that perfect family that we should have been, that happily married couple. At least this time I’m going in with my eyes wide open and the slightest hint of abuse I can wave goodbye for good. 👋🏼

  • #108345

    Can’t he still be an involved and loving father without being attached to you?

    Can I ask why it is that he’s now working from your home? How did that come about? Can you put a stop to it and make proper arrangements for when he can spend time with the kids? It smacks of his sense of entitlement. He’s decided to ignore and forget you’d already told him it’s over.

    • #108351

      That’s why it’s so hard, he’s stepped up to being a better dad since we split which has been so good to see. I have seen a change in him (false or real 🤷🏼‍♀️ But he does seem to be trying to control his temper)

      He’s working from home because the wifi is better here and he’s still paying the bills so I feel I can’t say no. (Yup, still controlling and manipulating me I guess) I hated it at first and used to avoid him, now I feel myself being reeled back in. It seems so much easier than the upheaval of leaving, and being a split family. I think I like the idea of us being a family, more than the idea of him. If it was just the 2 of us I’d be long gone.

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