Why am i still here?

[Flyflyaway]

Hi ladies, so much has been going on its been crazy! My dad knows about my situation and said he will help me get him out, but has only gave me a few days to do it in. I know hes doing it because he cares but doesnt understand the trauma bonding. So this is playing havoc on my mind. A couple of incidents this week, my partner and i were messing around playfully on the sofa, then the next thing i know he’s squeezing my hands so hard like he was trying to break them whilst glaring at me with a evil face, i could tell he was using all his strengh. the more i tryed to wriggle my hands from his hold the tighter he was going. i literally had to get him off by pushing his chest with my legs(detail removed by moderator) He then apologised saying he would never hurt me physically, and that once he knew he was using to much force he realised he had to stop.If i didnt pretty much had to kick him off i know he would of kept going

[Flyflyaway]

(detail removed by moderator) when i got home i had a little bit of confidence to speak with him about his gaming addiction, asking if we could do other things with our time. And he then went on a rampage saying my cooking was s**t, that i didnt know how to cook, that i only use already made foods that you just chuck in the oven (which is not true) i asked when i last done thay and he couldnt give me a answer, then i said its not like hes ever cooked me any of his national dishes, the only dishes he knows are the ones i taught him because his mum used to do everything for him.(detail removed by moderator) i cryed and told him im not his enemy and then he apoligised. Is any of this stuff normal because im getting closer to the date of leaving him but i keep secound guessing myself thinking maybe he’s like this because of me.

[KIP.]

It’s all typical abuser head working. Hurting you deliberately then making excuses and blaming you. Turning things round on you when you say something he doesn’t like like challenging his gaming. I know your head is struggling but you need to trust your dad and let him get rid of him for you. He has your best interest at heart while your partner is destroying you and causing and adding anxiety. Let your head take over for the next few days then you can deal with your heart once you’re safe. Take that leap of faith and let your dad help you x

[KIP.]

The indecision also makes things worse. That feeling of floundering and helplessness. Once the decision is made there comes a different focus. A focus on you and your fight for freedom without the headworking from an abuser x

[Author]

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