This topic contains 57 replies, has 42 voices, and was last updated by  InHope 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #39503
     Freetobethegreatest 
    Participant

    Why why why am i still stuck in this “relationship”????? Why arent i strong like everyone else? I keep reading on here how everyone else has managed to leave and escape but no im still here. Stuck going through the same s**t everyday. I just want to scream. I cant even show when im upset cos of my kids
    Having to be constantly happy and nice to him in front of him is so hard. They love him so much they think he’s perfect. He treats me like s**t. He talks to me like s**t. Then he apologises later much later after making me feel like s**t all day. Saying how sorry he is, how he’s stressed, how he’s messed up again, how hell change, hell do whatever i want etc etc obviously ive heard this a million times and i know its a complete and utter lie
    Hell never change he cant hell do exactly the same thing again and again and again. I find it so repetitive, so boring, so predictable. Its just a cycle which goes round and round abd round. But then im predictable Arent i? Because i just stay and let him get away with it. I feel so down right now, so stupid, such an idiot. I hate him why have i let him do this to me???? I feel like a broken record. No one can help me if i cant help myself.

  • #39505
     Falling Skys 
    Participant

    Hi and hugs

    You are a strong woman its never easy to get away from these abusers.

    I would run it through my head a million times what I would do and never did. In fact it was him that said he had enough and I thank god for that, so don’t think your the only one.

    We are condition and weaken though years of abuse, keep coming on this site, have you got a woman aid support worker, they dont tell you what to do but they help you to have the strength to make a decision that is right for you.

    Just remember that you are a good person and deserve better.

    FS xx

    • #45245
       gentlespirit 
      Participant

      You are strong it just takes time and planning to leave and even then it is a struggle. I have been pulled back in and manipulated by my abuser so smoothly, I realize that he knows how to manipulate my weaknesses to get what he wants. My son believes that he has changed and I am exhausted from him and traumatized and retraumatized by him and the legal system. Yet I have to do the best that I can because I do not want our son to be like him or for our daughter to go through what I went through. Some days are better than others because unless you have danced the insanity dance with an abuser it is hard for other people to realize how draining and disheartening it can be. Remind yourself that the problem is not with you, it is with his twisted selfish thinking and some people will be fooled yet love endures. My two kids are grown and they do realize some things about their father now. You will survive and gradually you will find the strength to do what you know has to be done in order to protect yourself and to try and protect your kids as well. There is a good book which I read that I found to be helpful, “its my life now-Life after Domestic Violence”. I cannot recall the author. Also, “healing from Psychological Abuse” I also found to be helpful. You are stronger than you realize and I know you will progress and have the courage to move forward when the time is right.

    • #67823
       emily 
      Participant

      I was in exactly the same position as you many years ago happy days for my daughter was all I cared about but inside I was nothing ,empty ,going through the motions of pretending to be happy covering bruises with makeup etc if I didn’t have that smile continuously painted on my face I know my daughter would sense it plus I would get serious harm from him again we managed to escape one day when the coast was clear in the back of a friends car laying down under blankets that memory has stayed with us but it was the beginning of a whole new free life for us which started in a woman’s refuge where we stayed for nearly a year ,you are not stupid or an idiot you are on here speaking to us this takes strength my dear which I’m sure an idiot or someone stupid couldn’t do ,your cycle of s**t needs to be broken lets make that happen ,break that s**t ,start breaking it now ,sending much love to you my dear this is my first post so I hope I’ve written something positive ,its taken me (detail removed by moderator) years and the leaving of my past s**t anniversary is coming up, phew ive done it

    • #71768
       Heneverlovedme 
      Participant

      I was exactly the same!
      I stayed with my abuser for (detail removed by Moderator) plus years. I think for the last 5 years I would dream of living with my children in a house on my own!
      Finally left (detail removed by Moderator) months ago & I am feeling stronger 💪 by the day!! You can do this, start making a plan for a safe escape. There are people who can help & support you through this, women’s aid have been my saviour. My children were getting older & I couldn’t hide stuff from them anymore: I would dread going home after work & found it more & more difficult to keep a smile in my face. I decided to break the cycle & save myself & my children from this hell. Best decision I have ever made, I feel at peace & my home is a loving, tranquil environment now. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust a man again! Set yourself free

  • #39517
     Anonymous

    Hi hun
    You are strong .it’s never easy leaving an abusive relationship. I planned my escape for months. You deserve to be happy. Hugs hun

  • #39518
     Alicenotichains 
    Participant

    Hi- I am still in abusive relationship number 2, trying to get out. I think it is a series of small steps, i think we have to be kind to ourselves and just make small gains where we can. I have recently started work and my self esteem has rocketed. I have colleagues and meet new people and I realise that on the whole people are very nice.
    Now I feel nothing for my first abusive husband, but when we split up (he left me for another woman) I cried so much and tried to hang onto his ankles to stop him leaving. He treated me in a sub- human way when we were married- almost like I was an experiment and not a human being. That was (detail removed by moderator) years ago. I feel nothing for him now. Just total disdain.
    Sadly I met another abusers, (wish they came with signs of their heads) I am struggling to leave number 2 but I have made big steps and I think I will get there at some point. I am starting to feel really angry that these people have treated me so appallingly. I am a really nice person, I wouldn’t hurt a fly. I can feel my boundaries coming up but I don’t think it will
    Happen overnight. You are not on your own Hun. Xxxxx

  • #39520
     Finallysomethingclicked 
    Participant

    Hi freetobethegreatest

    I was in your position a few weeks ago I was so low so desperate I didn’t feel strong like others on here I read how to take baby steps be kind to yourself etc and thought I couldn’t do it I’m not strong enough. Wrong!!! you are strong enough your here on this amazing site you can and will do this in your own time it took me years and years to find my strength to leave you will to I promise in your own time just please don’t ever give up we are all standing behind you, you can do this!

    Big hugs x

  • #39521
     Anabela 
    Participant

    Hi. I am exactly in same situation. For some weird reason I can’t leave him. We don’t have any kids, so that should make it easier for me, but it doesn’t. He treats me like s**t, he calls me names, he blames me for everything, he blames me for him not having a job, he blames me for not leaving since I have no respect left for him. He wants a good life, and he is blaming me for not making efforts to get a better paid job.
    I know he is abusive. I dont enjoy spending time with him, because there are so many things i am angry about!! I dont enjoy intimacy any more. I feel needed only for money and for sex. I know that I am wasting my life being with him. I know he is not gonna change. There’s been numerous times when he wished death on me and my family. When he drove in a car with me, saying let’s die together, and I thought if I am out of this car alive, I will never ever even talk to him again. But here I am again. Still in a relationship. Still unable to leave him, because I …… love him!!!!! Although I understand that it is probably not love anymore but a trauma bond.
    I can’t believe it is my life. Even a good friend of mine told me that she does not want to be in touch with me because I am still with him….
    I wish I could be like others in this forum and post a story how I escaped and moved on….. I dont understand why I am so weak. I well passed this stage when I blame myself for his behaviour. So the next step is to leave? Why I can’t leave him?

  • #39528
     danicali 
    Blocked

    because you probably feel so pressured by what society feels is right – the old fashioned stand by your man mindset. many women, not just you, put up with being treated like s**t for years, many for their entire lives. and they do it “for the sake of the kids” without fully realising that the kids then learn that treating mum like s**t is normal and OK, when it’s far from normal or OK

    it’s very hard to break the cycle, particularly when you love him, but you clearly realise what it’s doing to you, and how you feel about yourself for not getting out – try not to be so harsh on yourself because you sound strong and you will eventually leave him if you decide that’s what’s best all around x

    • #45247
       gentlespirit 
      Participant

      Yes that is true and the hardest part for me is to work on establishing boundaries and trying to be assertive and removing myself from individuals who do not respect my boundaries and try to manipulate me. We need to be kind to ourselves though and to realize that it is not easy to disengage from someone who has such a strong hold on us. I find that self talk, reading, and receiving validation from other survivors is helpful. Even though my abuser has fooled a lot of people he has not fooled everyone. I feel sad that my abuser is (detail removed by Moderator) are supposed to help and not hurt yet I realize that an abuser can be anyone and just because someone is powerful and intelligent does not mean they are perfect or should be treated like God.

  • #39537
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hello,

    I just wanted to show you all some support. It can be really hard to leave an abusive relationship so please be kind to yourself. Please try to find a safe time to phone the helpline. They can offer you some safety planning advice and help you with a risk assessment. Even if you are not yet ready to leave or the time is not right or safe for you to go the helpline will talk to you about your options and hopefully help you see that you do have choices.

    We are all here for you so please keep posting when you can. You deserve to be happy and safe from abuse.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa
    Forum Moderator

  • #39546
     Confused123 
    Participant

    Hi HUn

    Just wanted to show u some support, to leave an abuser it takes time and a lot of support, we all leave when we are ready, it took me (detail removed by Moderator) years to leave, so if i could advise u from my expereience i would say log abuse with gp, reach out to your family and let them know how u are being treated and how u feel, most importantly speak to a domestic violence agency and take their support, for me this was the most hardest but best move. You say u his best dad to kids, kids can see what he is doing to u, i was in a very abusive realtionship and in the end my kids thought this was normal behaviour, they were very emotional unsetteld and effected by abuse they saw, it was so much hard work working with the kids but i got there, there is never a right time to leave an abuser, i would say the sooner the better, all u are doing is wasting your life. Anyone that tells u its ok and to remain in relationship i would class as negative support and do not reach out to them further, walking away is the only way forward, continue to post here and reach out u will get lots of support

  • #39550
     Suntree 
    Participant

    It took a big event for me to leave in the end I basically had no choice.
    Even when others were telling me this is not how a relationship was and even how to leave.
    Because it was “just” emotional abuse which I didn’t recognize I thought it was me that has the issues I didn’t leave.
    It took me years because of the investment in the relationship and because I thought he was a good Dad..
    I was so wrong on both accounts.
    I wasn’t strong and had the big thing not happened and I left and I couldn’t go back I think I would probably be still there.

    • #68820
       xxxxhelpxxxx 
      Participant

      Same as my first marriage. I didn’t see what was happening. My biggest regret from my marriage was not leaving 10/15 years earlier. It took him having an affair and getting the OW pregnant for me to leave. It was hard but I was happy when I left. We are civil to each other now at functions where we both have to be there. He knows about my current relationship and has offered to give me the maintenance money that he owes me for me to get out.

  • #39552
     Cuppa 
    Participant

    Hi there,
    firstly please don’t ‘beat your self up’ your grinding yourself down with that mind set, I was there and I now like other ladies on here, how its even difficult to recognise! There’s lots of posts on here to explain individual circumstances, so we all know your not doing anything wrong.
    I reckon its a piece by piece life jigsaw…if you begin to put some positive parts into your life, support, telling trusted friends, well being activities, whatever that may be…they build a different existence…getting in touch with who you are. Turning the spotlight from him, to you.

    This takes time and a bit of motivation. Which I lacked, I was effectively numbed down…all about him, nothing about my needs all of that… trauma bounding,confusion, routine…I sacrificed myself to that because of FEAR!..not wanting confrontation, upset, neglect.. all that barrel of snakes..that’s abuse.

    I think for me I started to reflect more as I realised I actually felt better when I wasn’t with him, I had some head space to think, my life was standing still, his was improving blooming even, mine was empty and I was so sad & lonely. It was a charade, not real, no loving relationship, gulp!

    It was clear that our life was all about him..thinking back for over a decade of years, bit by bit coercive control…my question to myself was do I want to be here in this for the next decade?

    I then started to make plans writing lists, imagining being away from him forever, No contact..reaching out for help.
    Its not easy in the beginning, though it is do-able, eventually! be kind to yourself!
    …ladies on here prove that, and when children are involved we understand,
    its not straightforward have you tried talking to WA?

    Keep safe keep posting, we are all here to support each other with our journeys wherever they may be!

    HUGS xC

  • #39579
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    i think you are strong enough. like you say, reading posts on here all sound so strong and we often find it extremely difficult because of abuse to realise anything good at all about ourselves. you have huge strength – you talk of how you keep going and the huge energies that you put into smoothing things over and reducing stress for your children, that in itself is so totally exhausting that i hopeyou can recognise as you have spoken, exactly the strengths you do have.

    i don’t feel strong at all, and you didn’t ‘let’ him do this to you, the responsibility is his for being so abusive to you, you didn’t ask for that, want it, like it, far from it, but as complex as it is without children, it gets a lot more complex when juggling children in the mix too as they get used as pawns and emotional game-playing abuse.

    Keep going hun, you will be able to do this when you are ready but please try to focus on the strengths you have and be gentler on how hard things are right now, gather more strength from here and maybe calling the helpline. the stronger the support you get the greater the sense of your own power to take control of your own life, i believe.

    warmest wishes ks xx

  • #39584
     Freetobethegreatest 
    Participant

    Thank you so much for all the lovely replies

    This site is really the only place where i get support. Whenever i feel down i come on here. I have no friends and have not told my Family anything. I know i should but havent. The hardest part in all of this is keeping a brave face for the kids. I would hate the thought of this affecting them. They are my world and i hate him for what he’s done. You all mention how u love ur partners still. I dont. I would never have sex with him luckily we dont sleep in the same bed that would make me feel sick. When i look at him i just see this nasty, selfish disgusting excuse for a man. He blames depression, stress etc for everything obviously i believed this to begin with but its been a long time since i realised the truth. He’s just an abuser. I wouldnt miss him. My life would be easier in alot ways. Obviously the kids would miss him. I couldnt love him after what he’s done. I have so much anger for him which i know is not healthy. I know i have to get out but its not easy with two kids, all our stuff, finding a new place which will take someone who is not working? I dont want to go to a refuge because my son would not be able to go to his school still and i am not letting him be the reason my son loses his friends and has to move from a school he loves

  • #41802
     Lyng 
    Participant

    We all felt that way, and feel that way every time we let the abuser get under our skin, through a text, an email, a rumor, or a voice mail … it isn’t easy. I took many kicks at the can and even lived in the same house separated from him which was absolutely awful. Well meaning friends think it’ll be a piece of cake. You’ll get custody, etc ., but when you have kids it’s complicated as hell. Even without kids there’s job, friends, mortgages, taxes… your life seems impossibly tangled up in him. My advice would be go to a women’s shelter and get all the supports and legal advice in place. If you are in immediate physical danger of course you need to take that into account and save yourself and your kids. But you’ll feel stronger if it’s planned. Hugs.

  • #42501
     Anonymous

    Hi I felt just like you for years, the abuse got worse & worse, I kept thinking he won’t always be like this, I need to get stronger first before I can leave, but I got weaker & weaker and his abuse intensified, by the time I left I was on the verge of a major breakdown, so I had left it too late. Please do all you can to get away, the longer you leave it the harder it is. I have ended up very seriously ill mental health wise, I feel sure had I have found the strength & courage to leave years before, by now I could be living a normal life, now I am very doubtful of a full recovery xx

    • #45248
       gentlespirit 
      Participant

      I totally understand. By the time I could not take anymore I had developed PTSD and he had me so terrified that I was afraid to speak (detail removed by Moderator) and legal abuse syndrome is real cuz my lawyer did not protect us very well and I was even discouraged from getting an order of protection. Why? Then I end up having a nervous breakdown because of all the mind games and legal games he played and I read about psychological warfare and how to maintain control keep a person mentally and emotionally off balance and that is what he did to me for years. Even after I left he made my life pure hell and he is so calm and confident enjoying hurting me through our kids, and yet I seem like the one with issues and he is so in control. I read that abuse never ends it just changes form and I have learned from harsh experience that is true. The time that I am most afraid and nervous is when he is nice because that means he already planned something well and knows he is going to win and hurt me. It is so sick and alarming that he enjoys causing me mental or emotional pain. He is so good at blaming me or twisting things around. I do not want our daughter to be the next doormat though because I see that she is treated like a scapegoat and a doormat at times yet he has already set things up to make it look as if something is wrong with her, probably so in his mind he can justify whatever he does and rationalize she was already messed up. I see how narcissistic he is and even if he ends up destroying me I will not go down without a fight. I am becoming stronger cuz I am determined that our daughter will not be sucked dry and taken advantage of like I was, she deserves a decent normal life. There are good days and bad days yet I remind myself to be kind and patient with myself. Do not give up cuz if we are silent or give up they triumph and nothing changes, for ourself, our kids, and other survivors. Take one step at a time, one day at a time, that is what I tell myself.

  • #45589
     duvet 
    Participant

    Hi,
    Just to say I feel the same way too – why am I stuck in my relationship? ITs really hard -and i find the sense that I am alone the hardest.
    I think what I struggle with is that my sense of caring has been abused – my natural instincts are to look after people and i do this for him and the children – it’s really like having another child except not one I can tell what to do!
    I too struggle with why should I move away and loose everything and change everything – it really isn’t easy, I understand. Its clear that here on the forum there are lots of people who have been through this already and hopefully we can learn from them and find a way
    take care

  • #46526
     cloudyday 
    Participant

    I know exactly how you feel. I just cannot seem to get the strength to leave. Many times I have tried but he always wins me back and makes me feel sorry for him and that I am the bad one. I live in the hope that things will get better and for short moments they are but then it all comes crashing down again as he always at some point sabotages anything good in the relationship. I really do love him but I am so sad at the way he treats me and I live in a constant state of anxiety. I have been told by my counsellor that I have an addiction to him. This forum is full of strong women that have had the courage to eventually leave and I admire them for that.

  • #48910
     IFEELSAD 
    Participant

    Hi this is my first post on hear .
    I’m in exactly the same situation struggling to leave . I have everything in place & somewhere to go but cannot do it for the guilt for the kids & what other people will think of me . When he’s calls me as he does. I’m trying to get the strength to do it but he always seems to stop me from leaving . Putting me on a guilt trip . I have been in this relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years and certainly don’t want to keep wasting my life with him making me feel miserable and sad . He’s even been on a domestic violence course for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks for me not his self and I know he will never change . Hopefully I ll keep reading on hear & find the courage to leave .

    • #49003
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hello IFEELSAD,

      Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a supportive place. Please do keep reading and posting on here; there are other Survivors who understand your situation and how you are feeling. If you are able to then please do call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) to discuss your options based on your circumstances and to find out about other organisations that can help you take the next step. You can also contact your local support group for ongoing emotional and practical support. You can find details of your local group here.

      Once again, welcome to the forum!

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #55771
       Wits End 
      Participant

      Lisa, I walked out on my husband (detail removed by Moderator) when his abuse became too much to bear any longer. I had nowhere to go and no money. I sat in a local park for hours in the cold, and repeatedly rang the national domestic violence helpline in the hope that they could help me to find a refuge for the night. Repeatedly, it was an answering machine, and no one rings back.

      Eventually, at midnight, I was so so cold, I rang the police, and they came to find me. I didn’t think they would bother because the previous time I had called them, they didn’t turn up, but this time they did come. After an embarrassing grilling to see if I was mentally ill in any way, and declaring that obviously I wasn’t, after an hour of questioning by them whilst sat in a police car with a nurse, they also tried to ring the national domestic violence helpline for me to try and get a refuge place for the night, but they had exactly the same problem, just an answering machine and no assistance. They tried a few times, and then told me they couldn’t do anything for me, other than take me home. I begged them not to take me home, but they insisted that was all they could do, so I went back to the cold in the park.

      I know that womens aid and the refuge service are chronically short of money, but where can women go in an emergency and they just can’t get an answer from the national domestic violence helpline? Often these incidents take place at night time, often late, so what do we do, when the phone line just isn’t answered please?

  • #49968
     RedFox 
    Participant

    You might feel you are not strong enough to leave the relationship but I can guarantee you that most, if not all, abused women feel like that at the early stages of leaving. It’s the definition of abuse, Controlling you, making you believe you are weak and wouldn’t survive without your partner.

    I am still living with my abuser but I am in the process of splitting up. I can tell you that a few months ago, I felt I would never find the strength to end it. I thought I’d be stuck in my relationship for the rest of my life.
    You need the final element that will make you realise that this is all wrong and see him differently. When you stop seeing the good aspects of his personality and the good bits of you relationship, that’s when his power will weaken and you’ll start wanting to leave.

    For me, finding women’s aid, ringing the helpline and reading a book (what does he do that?) have been these elements. They have made me open my eyes and my dynamic changed after that. I don’t want to be manipulated anymore, I want my freedom. Stay strong until you find them x

  • #50066
     fridges 
    Participant

    It took me many years to leave abusive relationship, it is kind of addiction and takes all your will power. But after years i could not taking anymore, and I was lucky, that he was the type of the man, when he destroy you completely, made you no one and nothing, you lost your ability to work, to have friends, to be in touch with some family, lost the power to dream and follow dreams, he lost the interest too. The mission was accomplished, I managed to cut him out, when he went away from the country.
    For the people who we met together, he pretended, he is so ideal, so kind, so nice, but when we were alone, he will terrorise me in all possible ways, I’m ugly, I’m fat, being size 8/10, which it totally normal. Called me the names, just like my stepfather did.
    made me treats, that i was scared for my life. Took money what i have earned, made me to do things which I never wanted to do. putting on me bills, i was left with huge amounts to pay back, thanks for his tricks.
    With time I started to feel better, but I was not able to trust any men. I saw how they can be, and i knew that I was attracting this type.
    After I came out of this long term abusive relationship.
    I thought I met a nice man from USA an anaesthetist, very quick I figure it out, he is not any better, on my second trip to USA, one day he shouted at me so badly for nothing, that I asked him to collect me from town and it happen to be the accident.
    I did not stand up for myself properly at this moment, i had a feeling i should pack my bag and gone.
    Shouting repeated again, from nothing, when i was back home, we were talking on skype and connection went bad. He become angry and was shouting at me, I’m stupid to call him on Skype.
    I felt so cheap, because I had my head full of dreams, that this man is for me, he asked me marry. I gave too much of myself, too quick and he did not deserve it at all.
    Since that moment – I tried to date other men, with no success, when I made a decision I will not try to fix my personal life, until I will fix myself completely.
    And I tell you this what did help me. Slowly I understand my behaviour, my mistakes and I really hope I will not be repeating them.
    When you are low confidence, when you had suffered abuse, they feel it like sharks the meat in the water and swim to you.
    I do not want to be eaten and I will work on myself to fix, to become better, feel love towards me and be patient.

  • #50626
     Shell 
    Participant

    Hi freetobethegreatest.

    Please don’t put yourself down. It will only ever make it harder to leave. It took me many many many years and doubt and questioning myself to decide to leave. In the end he pushed me further than he ever had before and that ended up silencing my doubts and I managed to find the strength. But I spent so long like yourself. Hating myself more and more for wanting to go but not having the strength to. Now I’m on my own, it is still hard- mainly because I have behaviours and thought processes which I had to adopt to keep him happy. I’m always scared for no rational reason expecting him to be there when he has no idea where I am and no contact. I’m having counselling to try to break these “habits”.

    I know it sounds impossible, but try to keep strong and tell yourself everyday you don’t deserve this and try to love yourself. When you’re ready you’ll know.

    For me, even though it didn’t end when I left, there’s a lot of hurt and fear and so much to work through. Some days are good, some are horrific and I just want to lock myself in a little box all day and be alone. But the fact it took me so long and spent so many years unhappy has meant that when I do have good days I appreciate them so much. And on the very good days, I am able to congratulate myself for having left. I’m starting to find respect for myself I had lost.

    It is the hardest thing you will ever do. We get so “trained and conditioned” by our abusers that our minds are scared of them but also scared to leave them as its all we know. Cruel tricks our brains play on us! But beating yourself up will only make it harder. Please please please try to be kind to yourself. Remember- you are strong. Youv’ve come to this forum, talking about it takes so much strength!
    Wishing you all the best and love and hugs to you xx

  • #54868
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    I am aware that in a very dramatic journey across country I left x years ago, leaving community, school, friends etc. behind.

    It was very hard. However once in refuge, gradually the small and larger steps my child and I took together – brought us closer together and despite the difficult legal wrangles and the fear I had, I can honestly say that our lives are better in every way that the existence we had before.

    I found leaving for refuge a bit like setting out to cross a bridge over a very stormy river. I cannot now imagine not having crossed that bridge. But I remember those weeks and months before I set out to cross the river – when I was so doubtful, didn’t feel strong enough, simply wasn’t ready e.t.c.

    All I can say is once you set out on the bridge you will find the strength. As others have said, taking things day by day. Doing things you never thought you would be able to do. I’m sure all of the women on here would say – we are with you on your journey, in spirit, and also here if there are practical issues to navigate.
    I haven’t been posting here for long, but i have been reading the site for some years.
    Thanks
    x

  • #55707
     Countrylass 
    Participant

    Hello, just offering support. I know how this feels too. I am in a semi denial/hope it will change stage. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) years! I’m totally confused. One minute I’m screaming in a locked bathroom becuase I can’t take anymore, the next I’m folding his clothes and cleaning up the house . I feel very resentful alot of the time which tells me this isn’t right but just like u I am still here. I think u sound like u r stronger than u think and u r getting great support from this forum from people who understand and really don’t judge u at all x

  • #55764
     cloudyday 
    Participant

    Ditto Countrylass with all you say. Still going through same old s..t. Trying to go no contact but feel so lost and alone. The moment I speak to him he draws me back in. But when he contacts me its not to be nice and say how sorry he is. It is to blame me, accuse me of cheating on him and saying that I have turned my phone off as Im seeing another and he always knew it. Playing the victim, telling me its all my fault and blocking me on his phone so he then sends horrible messages but I am unable to reply (maybe thats for the best). It is an addiction Im finding so hard to break. I look back at all the stuff hes done and the way he has treated me over the years and what I have put up with in the name of so called love and I am ashamed of myself. My children think I am pathetic and weak9 they are grown up. My youngest daughter who lives with me wants me to get out of this as she cant bear him. I cant tell anyone anything anymore as they are sick of it all now. Im trying to be strong. Ive turned my phone off again tonight ( he doesnt live with me). I am so going to try no-contact and find some strength in me. Getting older now and I feel that apart from this no one else will ever want me and Im so scared to be alone.

  • #55772
     Wits End 
    Participant

    Lisa, I walked out on my husband (detail removed by Moderator) when his abuse became too much to bear any longer. I had nowhere to go and no money. I sat in a local park for hours in the cold, and repeatedly rang the national domestic violence helpline in the hope that they could help me to find a refuge for the night. Repeatedly, it was an answering machine, and no one rings back.
    Eventually, at midnight, I was so so cold, I rang the police, and they came to find me. I didn’t think they would bother because the previous time I had called them, they didn’t turn up, but this time they did come. After an embarrassing grilling to see if I was mentally ill in any way, and declaring that obviously I wasn’t, after an hour of questioning by them whilst sat in a police car with a nurse, they also tried to ring the national domestic violence helpline for me to try and get a refuge place for the night, but they had exactly the same problem, just an answering machine and no assistance. They tried a few times, and then told me they couldn’t do anything for me, other than take me home. I begged them not to take me home, but they insisted that was all they could do, so I went back to the cold in the park. In the end, I did go home, and have regretted it ever since.

    I know that womens aid and the refuge service are chronically short of money, but where can women go in an emergency and they just can’t get an answer from the national domestic violence helpline? Often these incidents take place at night time, often late, so what do we do, when the phone line just isn’t answered please?

    • #55801
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi Wits End,

      Thank you for your post.

      I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. I understand it must be very frustrating and disappointing when you are unable to get through to a Helpline Worker on the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline. As you know it is a very busy service which is why they have the voicemail system. I am sorry to hear you did not receive a call back after leaving a voicemail. The police or other professionals do not have a different number for the Helpline, it is the same number for everyone and the same process with the voicemail to receive a call back.

      The police have guidelines about how they should respond to domestic abuse. The role of the police is to ensure your safety and to protect you from further harm and this can sometimes include removing the perpetrator from the home. The police should also have access to contact details for local domestic abuse organisations including out of hours services. As well as details of how to access emergency accommodation via the out of hours housing authority and social services.

      If you are unable to get through to the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline then you can contact the police as you did, or social services or housing department on the out of hours contact details to request help with emergency accommodation as you are at risk of domestic abuse.

      There is further detail in The Survivor’s Handbook here .

      I am sorry you have not had a positive experience with services. There are complaints procedures for all services and the police if you wanted to take this forward.

      I hope this information has helped today.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

  • #58915
     anotherlife 
    Participant

    I’m still in a similar situation and can’t see a way out yet. I don’t love him at all, I couldn’t after the way he’s treated me and been so nasty & vicious. He’s had a major anger issue which seems to have been hidden for years & is creeping out. I want a way out too but it’s really hard with the children & he works away a lot so it calms down. He’s had 2 major outbursts in less than a year, one where he wouldn’t speak to me for weeks, when I’d had an operation recently and was so limited in what I could do but did more than my best, his treatment of me was real abuse & I’ll never forgive him, esp as it happened again a fewonthd after. I have zero respect for him as a person.
    I never thought I’d be in this situation or that it would be so hard to get out. I never thought my close family wouldn’t understand and would think it’s ok to brush it under the carpet. I don’t know my way out.
    You’re really not the only one but we all have to take out support from this forum and find ways of looking forward as there really is no other option. We can’t let them ruin out lives forever.
    I wish you strengh freetobethegreatest and make sure you keep looking forward x

  • #58919
     Confused-and-alone 
    Participant

    I’m still stuck in my terrible marriage too so it’s not just you! (Detail removed by Moderator) was actually my wedding anniversary and I didn’t remind him this year because I don’t really want to celebrate it. But then I’ve spent (Detail removed by Moderator) worrying that maybe his mum will ring to say happy anniversary and he’ll think I’ve forgotten (I haven’t I even bought him a card just in case he remembered) and have a go at me for forgetting. Or that he’ll have a go at me for not reminding him like I usually do and I obviously just want to make him feel bad for forgetting. It really is pathetic- I desperately want to leave, my mum is ready to take me and the kids in at her house but I just can’t face doing it. Just feel really stupid.

  • #58921
     Rainbowcloud 
    Participant

    I completely sympathise I am in the same boat we have a business together so its harder this end which I think he did on purpose so I never leave him.
    All I can say is the abuse gets worse over time he even started smacking my son that not his as he was so comfortable in his abuse that only stopped as my son told my brother who then got involved so he knew he couldnt do it anymore which angered him. Even when I said he couldnt touch my son he still did it it was horrible it only happened twice thankfully but what Im getting at is he wouldnt of done that years ago but nothing stops him now.
    I feel the same as you my close friends know and have told me not to mention his name again as I dont leave him so Ive only got this group to confide in. I defo think it gets worse over time and the hate grows inside of you so the atmosphere is horrible even during nice times you know it is fake and wont last.
    DOnt beat yourself up about it a lot of us are in the same boat , I never make future plans because I cant think of a future with him the rest of my life.
    Every holiday and every birthday is ruined but I still stay Ive kicked him out before and he does leave but never fully he never lets me go sometimes ive begged him back as I cant cope being free I dont know how to live without being controlled by him so I lose my mind sometimes.
    This wkend im alone and its so nice I think up things I will say when hes back so I can end it but the time comes and I dont end it and I so want to as Im so so unhappy , your not alone I want out too and feel trapped

  • #58931
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Rainbowcloud ‘I can’t cope being free’. This is the horrible sting in the tail of abuse. The first two years I left him were worse than any two I’d ever had with him. When I was with him I got some respite from his behaviour during the honeymoon phase. However once you get past that phase when it feels like breaking a drug addiction, life is so much better. I’m a whole person again but wanted to say how touched I was by that statement. Many of us return because of this. I did too. Knowledge is Power so educate yourself on the psychology behind abuse. Read all about trauma bonding.

  • #60845
     readytogetbetter 
    Participant

    Sending hugs. You will make it out of there.

  • #61119
     Notjustme 
    Participant

    Hi,
    You are so much stronger than you think. You have recognised that you are in an abusive relationship and that takes real strength. It takes masses amounts of strength to pretend to the world that everything is ok, to get up every day and look after your kids and manage a smile. I know.
    You are so much stronger than you think. Maybe you are not ready or able to leave yet. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you cautious and selfless, those are strong characteristics.
    Please phone the domestic abuse support line, they are amazing and even if you’re not ready to leave they will listen and support you. Please remember that you are not alone in this.

  • #61159
     Rainbowcloud 
    Participant

    I just looked at the date of that so he managed six weeks of not being abusive as I only post on here when he’s being abusive again so that’s longer then usual and he jsavsiibe in between he’s just very bad at the min . I wish I could meet someone who could love me for real

  • #62992
     gold for a king 
    Participant

    Can everyone STOP being attracted to abusers or is that too much to ask? Aaarcccchhhh!

  • #62997
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I was never attracted to an abuser. I was attracted to a kind, generous, charismatic, charming, protective, witty, loving person who portrayed himself as my soul mate. Who mounded himself into the man of my dreams. I didn’t understand that this was just a mask he wore to trap me. Had he revealed the nasty self serving abusive violent man he really was in the beginning, I would have run for the hills. By the time I realised the monster he was he had reduced my mental health to zero. My self esteem and my confidence zero. Unable to make rational decisions because of his Gaslighting and threats. Scared to leave him because of his actual violence or threats of violence. If only every abuser introduced themselves as who they really are. Nobody is attracted to that x

  • #63032
     gold for a king 
    Participant

    I’m very sorry, I was just so angry I couldn’t relax let alone sleep. I read the posts and was just about to write something helpful and all that came out was anger. At least it was only just one sentence.

  • #63059
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hey, please don’t apologise. We all have down days and you’re entitled to be angry. I hope you’re feeling better and more positive. we are here to encourage each other and it’s hard to stay calm and rationalise our feelings but it will get better. Just keep moving forward x

  • #63353
     gold for a king 
    Participant

    Ok thanks KIP, I wanted to say that I wasn’t strong. I let it get to a breaking point where I HAD to leave. There was no other option I could see. If I was strong I wouldn’t have let it get to that stage. It’s been years now and I still feel so weak but stronger than yesterday. Negative things can still push me over the edge but less than they used to. Onwards and upwards.

    I just wanted to say that being strong is so so tough.

  • #64307
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    I think it’s the other way around and abusers truly lure women,and trap women, even when they have moved on, they don’t, some carry on seeking out more women, or keep trying to abuse their ex’s.

    I hope you are feeling a bit better for having a shout about it! It’s really good to release those pent up angers after being shut down for so long. Who can blame you. Not me.

    Sending you some strength to keep going love.

    It doesn’t feel strong, but it really does take some strength all the same.

    Try to take comfort for yourself, and soothe the distress however best you can. Thinking of you.

    Warmest wishes ts

  • #66714
     Lightning-Jet 
    Participant

    Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things to do, the manipulation, gaslighting, walking on eggshells; then that little glimmer of hope when you see the person they always said they were.

    Its all very calculated to make you feel like you are going mad; to keep you in the relationship, to make you be dependent on them so they can control every aspect of your life.

    The apologies are empty, they mean nothing. Its just words.

    I am in a similar situation, struggling to get out for a long time. Hating myself for putting up with it time and time again. The abuse cycle is absolutely bang on it really is. I feel I have been going round and round so many times.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know it can make you feel worse when other people are managing to get out; but one day you will too!

    Wishing you all the very best, good luck and remember we are all here for you when you need it

    L-J x

  • #67829
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    😪 I’m still with my oh. I’m still taking baby steps, but they’re not, they’re huge to me. I’ve spoke to my Dr, spoke to WA, saw their lawyer, yes ive done it ladies, at last. Next is job centre to see what id be entitled to when i leave with my health issues.
    In another life, I’d have been to a lawyer,told him we’re over and gone back to my parents til i got at house through council. You can’t do that in an abusive relationship. It’s all cat and mouse.
    I feel I’m doing and have done so well with the support and advice from all the ladies on here. Then i have a negative thought, he’s nicer and it all goes to sh.t. Hurting someone isn’t in our DNA (you can’t believe they actually mean you’ll not hurt me, when the subject of splitting up comes up).but they hurt us every time, no one can possibly believe what they say/do doesn’t hurt!!
    Be kinder to you yourself love, it’s all we can do. Is anyone be make you feel you should be moving things quicker than you’re ready to. Step away from them if they are.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68821
     xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    I want out of my current relationship because of abuse. It’s blooming hard to even think of how to do it. I am constantly thinking of what will happen to him when/if we break up. Where will he go? Where will either of us live? Where will all the ‘stuff’ go? Will he go back to living out of his car? What will he say to his parents (I like his parents)? Although he has already said he won’t go back to his parents.

    • #68824
       EbonyRaven 
      Participant

      xxxxhelpxxxx I empathise so strongly with what you’re saying here. I too have stalled on the where will he go, what will happen to him thoughts so many times. It’s been well over a year since I woke up and told him I want a divorce and want him to leave, but he’s still here.

      I know exactly what you mean about how and what to tell his parents, but I’m trying not to get hooked on that. I have to save me. I’m no spring chicken and would like the opportunity to actually laugh naturally again.

      I’m getting there, and you will too. Thank the Gods I found this site as the support is wonderful. I feel so much stronger, and more able to keep taking those steps now to remove him and his abuse from my life.

      I keep the saying in mind: A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

  • #68828
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    With your outlook your already there ❤❤

  • #68831
     xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    I have a great saying passed to me from someone on here that I am storing up for when the time comes.

    I hear what you’re saying, and I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. I dont want anymore contact with you now. I wish you well but I’m done.

  • #69947
     Letsgetout 
    Participant

    Hello free to bethe greatest,
    Reading your notemail there. I understand I managed to get away but I crave to be back in it it’s sick I know but I don’t know how to live now.
    SOh I suppose I’m saying don’t feel bad you will get thereverything you know the cycle. My ex partner was not nice to my kids so in that respect it was a bit easier in that department. I do crave him but I don’t think it is love it’s need I think.
    I am a weak person and all my friends are in a stable relationships and married it makes me so upset. Sometimes I want to curl in a ball and die that would be such an easy option to me. Life is so very very cruel.
    Keep strong keep watching his cycle. You will get there bless your heart.

    Who are these men they are like aliens

    Lots of love x*x 🐶

  • #69960
     Grateful 
    Participant

    When the time is right for you, you will leave. You will be strong enough. Before I left i read this forum for months gaining awareness of abusers tactics and manipulation, trying to convince myself life on my own would be far better. I didn’t feel strong enough to post how I felt. One day no one was home and I just walked out. It was a spontaneous decision in the end One day you will leave – when you are ready.

  • #70980
     Landy 
    Participant

    I can only say keep posting and keep reading this forum. I’m newly free and struggling. But I hope to find peace one day.

  • #71714
     Landy 
    Participant

    I’m only out because someone else called the police this time. All I’ve done is agreed to make a statement. I never have before. It was my opportunity to do what I wouldn’t otherwise have had the courage to do. We’ve all been where you are. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It isn’t that easy

  • #73844
     InHope 
    Participant

    Hi freetobethegreatest, hi everyone

    Another emotioanl thread that resounds with me. Basically it was easier for me to live in denial and ‘forget’ that I’m in an abusive relationship, than face the fear and leave. But once you’ve left an abuser there is no going back, you’re not on their team anymore so even if you did he will use it against you. I was also conditioned that “since I was raised by a single parent, I wouldn’t know that this arguing is actually normal and this is how couples treat each other”. It makes me feel sick thinking about the stuff I listened to and how I let myself be manipulated and how the OH brought out the worst in me. Once I established that this was not acceptable behaviour I kept a diary hidden on my phone. I sometimes wrote in this when times were bad. I knew there were support groups out there I could’ve called, and I did call the Samaritans once. I began following domestic abuse groups, but then I would unfollow them because maybe I’d had a good day or week with the OH! I lived in hope and forgiveness I think.
    Leaving was the hardest thing and still is, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

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