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    • #121742
      [email protected]

      So many things on my mind – sorry I just have to write them out

      – there were always different rules for me and him because a girl doing something is far worse than a man. For example the fact I got into another relationship whilst he was also in another one makes me the dirty one. I should have waited for him he said.
      – he would pick when I could be kissed, he always decided when it was suitable. Most of the times it wasn’t allowed.
      – Every outing I had to decide where we would eat this would usually be followed by bombardment of anti Covid and vaccine videos.
      – I would pay for most of the things – every now and then he would contribute. We had to either smoke or drink. Perhaps there were a few occasions where we didn’t do this but the conversations were always about him and how “woke” he is.
      – He was sexually abusive – most occasions I was coerced into performing sexual acts in public places.
      – He’s made remarks about my clothing a number of times.
      – I would have to book and pay for all hotels as well as food/drinks. 90% of the stay involved having sex non stop – hardly passionate. I’d ask for breaks which lasted no more than 20/30mins. I’d spend the rest of the following few days in agony because it would hurt.
      – He insisted on me getting a tattoo to prove my loyalty.
      – He insisted that I was dirty, used and disgusting but as his favourite I was given some form of forgiveness.
      – He lied and said he will be working full time but instead spent (detail removed by Moderator) with his friends because I was apparently too depressive.
      – He said I had mental health issues for blocking him because no adult does that. This is after I told him to stop sending me anti Covid, abortion and vaccine videos.

    • #121746

      Hi my beautiful angel… smallsteps
      I’m hoping you are feeling a bit lighter after writing down your feelings, you know journaling is a great way to off load and work out your feelings.
      Am I correct in saying you are no longer together?
      All his behaviours are classic acts of abuse
      (I was victim to a tattoo to! Which I have now had removed)
      Keep the focus on you and your self love and worth, rather than on him.
      Stay in your power, not in his
      Sending you love & support
      D xx

    • #121748

      I just want to give you a great big hug. 💜

    • #121819

      Please reach out to your local WA if you haven’t done so.
      Your partner is the classic abuser. The reason he has one standard for you and one for himself is because of his deeply ingrained sense of entitlement. He feels entitled to your money, your body, your time, your attention. Lundy Bancroft spends a lot of time speaking about this in “Why does he do that”
      Your abuser is not “woke”. He’s deeply malignant.
      Please do everything you can to get away from him. You have suffered so much in every conceivable way from his man. Please protect yourself from any further harm.

    • #121829
      [email protected]

      The loneliness and anxiety of the future is what keeps me hooked. It almost feels like I don’t know how to be with anyone unless I am being put down or violated in same way or another.

      I honestly feel like at times that it’s unrecoverable this lifetime that I will never get over this and I am destined to be in this situation forever.

    • #121833

      This does not have to be your destiny. I’m not sure how old you were when you met but even if you were very young, there was a time when you lived without him and you may have been very happy and free?

      The fact that you are posting on here suggests that there is a woman inside you who knows that she can live, happily and in peace.

      Many of us started our journey by reading and finding out more about abuse. For me it was “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. When I read that book, I recognised almost all of the behaviour in my parter and I realised that the abuse was so much greater than I had realised. After that, I knew I couldn’t stay. Other women also recommend “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.

      As so many women on here say “knowledge is power” and to read about and understand what is happening in your relationship can be empowering and the first step towards getting out.

      You do not deserve what is happening to you and you are worth so much more love than you are getting.

    • #121935
      [email protected]

      Really struggling today as I keep itching to get in contact. It’s been a whole week of no contact and for some reason I am feeling immensely guilty and worried that I have just signed up myself to be a loner. Atleast he loved me in some ways – perhaps the abuse is not as bad as I make it out to be

    • #121939

      What you are describing is definitely not love…far from.It sounds absolutely horrendous and you can’t live like this.Staying in this toxic relationship will break you.He has already damaged you.When love hurts – it won’t work.I know it is horrible to feel lonely but you have to overcome that pain in order to move on.I don’t have any friends and I mean not a single one cause my Ex told everyone in my life (detail removed by Moderator) ago to f*** off.My family are all abroad and I don’t want to worry them and I’m not even allowed to leave the country because of covid.But I still know I don’t want him back.I feel broken and drained after (detail removed by Moderator) of abuse but I brighter days are to come.My Ex also made me pay for everything and even got annoyed when I didn’t get him the right Christmas present but he never even thought about giving me a present.I would have to pay for house, bills, kids, food, his clothes, his phone bill, car, holidays absolutely everything on top for his drugs as well at times.And to sum it up he was and is strongly against me going to work but my money paid for all his stuff.How do you work that one out.He suggested for me to go on the sick as I am suffering from severe back pain and the more I researched about my symptoms it is most probably fibromyalgia caused by years of emotional abuse.These few days have been the hardest but there is no way that I would ever take him back.I’m so sick anf tired of hearing his voice and seeing his name in my caller list.It is weird because I can’t think of one happy memory but these horrible things he put me through keep popping up in my head when I had them put aside for years.Sending you lots of strength.You need to stay strong x*x

    • #121940

      Hang on in there. You will go through a roller coaster of emotions and at times it may feel unbearable, like you just want to curl up and hide and come out when it all feels better. Try to find the thing that works for you. For me, it was a playlist that the ladies on the forum helped me put together. No matter how hard it got, the playlist lifted me. It was empowering and a symbol of hope as many of the songs were recommended by ladies who were out and doing well. I also got myself a very naughty but totally adorable kitten who is just the apple of my eye. It makes a huge difference.

      Try to work out what will help you through the silence and the feeling of loneliness. The hard times will become fewer and fewer with the passage if time but it does help if you can find something that gives you the strength to keep pushing through. xx

    • #122015
      [email protected]

      It feels unbearable – the urge to just say I’m sorry and going back to it is so heightened. No matter how much I read , my mind tricks me into saying no he’s changing. He doesn’t hit me anymore :(. Maybe I’m far too broken to be fixed

    • #122161
      [email protected]

      I did – I messaged him and apologised and as expected he didn’t message back but I know this time I’ve really f’ed up. Even he is tired of my erratic behaviour. I don’t deserve anyone – I’m broken and useless

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