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I am divorcing my husband. We were made homeless by a financial situation he had created without my knowledge and it has uncovered a vast amount of debt, so I now realise I was being at the very least financially abused. I am starting to accept there was coercive control and emotional abuse. It’s very early days out of the relationship but we are living separately and I have the children with me.
I am still in contact with him via messages. I just can’t bring myself to block him and I don’t know why. My head says it’s the right thing to do, but I actually feel like I don’t even want to, and I’m finding it so confusing. Messages are amicable, mostly updates on the children, but every so often he’ll send something that makes me think he’s manipulating me. For example, he sent me a message (detail removed by Moderator) that was written as if it was for someone else, talking about how he can’t live without me and the children and how if we don’t stay in his life/get back together/go on a holiday we had planned then his life isn’t worth living. He quickly said that wasn’t for you please delete it, so I did and told him I had. He then sent it again insisting he had originally sent it by accident but because of the therapy he is going through he is trying not to hide things anymore so thought I should see it. It’s like I’ve got all the evidence I need to prove he is manipulative but I still just don’t want to believe it. Am I normal? I can’t talk to anyone about this as they are too close to the situation and I don’t feel like I get a balanced opinion.
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Hi Bov94,
it’s a massive thing to block them, whether you have been out of the relationship two months or two years. The most important thing is that you are starting to recognise the manipulation. To me – sending that text to you is a huge sign of manipulation. He wants you to know he is feeling terrible (I don’t think he is) but it’s all manipulation to ensure you are still thinking about him, to try and make you feel guilty for removing yourself from his clutches and also an attempt to continue to abuse you.
if you don’t feel you can block him just yet – and I know it’s not always possible when you have kids – google grey rock – it’s a technique you may have already heard of but it’s helpful when you cannot go no contact as it helps you to stop feeding them your emotions (it’s 2am and my brain is in overdrive due to insomnia so please forgive me if I’m not making total sense!).
Remember that you need to look after yourself as well!
take care,
Scarecrow x
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I am sorry you are still in contact with him. It is difficult to break that emotional bond. You have choices. To be a survivor, not a victim; change your phone number (it may seem impractical initially, this is only your denial & bond with him), go no contact, seek trauma bonding counselling.
Yo can do this. It takes time and determination.
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Hi Scarecrow,
Thank you so much for your reply, and it makes a lot of sense. I hadn’t heard of the term grey rocking but have been reading up on it and it’s very interesting. Looking back through messages between him and myself, I was probably using this method without really realising it when we first separated, but as I’ve shown more emotion, compassion and vulnerability in messages, his manipulation has increased again. He has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness, and I find it hard to separate the symptoms of this from his intentional behaviour (of course he’s blaming everything he has ever done on the illness) so I guess it’s a process I have to go (and grow) through.
Thank you again, and stay safe xx
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So sorry to hear this, I can’t imagine how hard that must be. Though not as extensive in terms of the financial abuse, I’ve totally been there and it’s awful.
if it is fairly early on, I can imagine that it is hard to block them. I haven’t done it either yet but am so very close now. They don’t stop with the poor me syndrome or the manipulation. It’s the “I don’t know how I’ll make it through” or similar messages. They are sent to make you feel obliged or worried for them. It will get better and you will do it when the moment is right.
Once I’m gone and he no longer knows my address and there is no risk of him landing at my door – which he would if he couldn’t get hold of me – then I’m blocking.
none of this is easy and we are all different. Take care of you and give yourself some time x -
Hi HappyBelle,
Thank you for the reply. Sorry to hear your experience has been similar. It certainly seems from your message that they almost have a script with their messages – ‘poor me’, ‘how can I go on without you’ is definitely the theme with my ex. I hope you get away soon and in the position where you feel you can safely block.
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It is scary to block them. After yrs of accepting txts and writing back I got abusive txt about his money situation. it was abusive and not want I wanted in my life anymore.
I never replied, blocked him and that was it. He cannot contact without lawyers now. The kids have grown and no need for contact and his financial situation was no longer mine.
I called people afterwards.
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Don’t be too hard on yourself . It’s a process to go no contact and it’s not easy especially of you have children. What helped me was putting him in an archive so his messages went through but it was on a different folder so was in the background. I’d end up forgetting he was in there so I didn’t reply for weeks lol
Sometimes you have to wean yourself off it because they know the more contact the more your investing your attention onto them and an emotional bond starts to develop again.
It’s also a form of control to stop you meeting a new man.
I garuntee if you didn’t reply for days he would switch back to nasty , you’ll see the real.person because his texts are not your priority and he’s waiting to see of you respond and read them etc.
I wish you the best
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