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    • #58319

      I miss him terribly!! It’s the weekend and I feel like I can’t make any plans with my children because I need him? I just want him to ring and tell me it’s going to be ok. But I know it’s not. He’s probably doing god knows what while I’m stuck in this hole. Of wanting him so bad but knowing it’s no good. I’m so confused about everything. He should be here ordering a takeaway helping me with the kids but he’s not. (detail removed by moderator) this is causing my anxiety to peak. Why do I need him? Why can’t I just be alone?

    • #58321
      Chickadee
      Participant

      Hi.

      You feel and think that you need him because it is control and you have been conditioned that way. It is a subservient/codependency so he can keep you doing the things he wants.

      You will find and have happiness when you reach into yourself and grasp your inner strength and break free mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, not just the physical.

      Everything you need is right in front of you, take a look at your kids. And take a look in a mirror and tell yourself everyday I’m going to do this for them and for myself so that we all have peace,happiness, and a real life.

      Think about what you are doing and take things as they come one step at a time. And it’s the weekend, go do some fun stuff with your kids, bonding, they need you.

      Here, when you need to talk. Much peace and happiness to you.

      Chickadee

    • #58322

      Thank u. I know I have my kids I know I do but it sounds awful that I can’t feel complete without him. I broke contact  and yet he’s still saying I’m the issue I’m the one who’s caused this. He will never get back with me, which I don’t want anyway I just want him to think of me. No matter how many people or organisations say it’s him that has done wrong I still question myself. What if I done this or that. I feel so alone emotionally and maybe this is where he had most control of my emotions. How do we let go how do we move on. I left him before but still went back after giving birth to our daughter alone. I still went back longing for the fake man. I hate myself for feeling this way but I’m scared I can’t do this alone. Please tell me there is a way out xx

    • #58336
      Chickadee
      Participant

      Your Welcome.

      Yes, there is a way out. First, you have to acknowledge things in your mind correctly.

      It’s not your fault, he is an abuser.There is nothing that will change this character flaw or illness.

      He is always going to say that it’s all your fault, that is what an abuser does. Everything is your fault, because nothing ever is their’s and they can’t look bad.

      You could be on a second floor of a house and the car catches on fire with him right at it, because he set it on fire, and it’s still all your fault. That was the first one I was with.

      The control and emotional abuse conditions you to question your own self and actions. That way again, fault is not placed on the abuser as you take it all on yourself. And while he basks in the glory, your the one that looks bad.

      In one way, the abuser puts fault on you, in the other way, you place it on yourself via their tactics. Either way, the abuser maintains control and you are broken down.

      Secondly, and the first and second can occur, be done simultaneously, you have to self love.

      Find your inner strength, love you, be at peace with you, and realize this person is doing this to take away your self esteem, so take it back.

      You have to get to the point where your okay being alone and it’s actually great. No one is controlling whether you join an activity, go to the store, what you eat, who you talk to. It takes a bit of time to not walk on eggshells. And to realize your free. As you do….put things in action. Don’t just say you know you have your kids, get out of the house with them and go do something fun. Even if it is as simple as going to a park and each getting a doughnut to bring along with you after dinner one evening. Self Love you! I pick weeds, it helps me feel good because I can see progress and beauty of my work, and reward of my endeavor, my mind is immersed in the joy and task. I enjoy discovering herbal teas, mint is still my favorite, it relaxes me. Find what works for you. You will gradually realize your growth, enjoyment, relaxation, and that your mind has not thought of the abuse while you were doing these things. The key is to keep doing them, stay active. Self Love.

      The way out…..is to live!

      I’m not saying it’s easy, it is hard. Your mind has been altered (it’s conditioning) and you have to re-program (undue the twisted c**p). You can do it. We are meant live and enjoy life.

      I am here when you need to talk. Hugs.

      Chickadee

    • #58340

      Thank u. This is the thing though. I didn’t feel controlled or walking on egg shells it was more the lack of communication, him doing what he wanted, the cheating, the lies and then when I tried to express how I felt it blew up and he would never admit he was wrong it was always me. Maybe I shouldn’t have blown up maybe I should of just said nothing?? He’s now saying I’m a s**t mum cos I won’t let the kids see him. He smashed my car up when he was drunk and urinated over there bedroom floor but he’s says it’s my fault I made him mad. I asked to go out that night but he said no so I said fine do not come home, stay away, was that wrong of me? Should I of just accepted he said no then let him home? Surely if he wanted to come home he would of? Instead he went to the pub and came back early hours banging my door? I’m so confused I really am

    • #58342
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Blaming you for his anger is classic abuse. It was one of my ex’s favourites. As is blowing up when you try to express yourself. Normal men don’t do that. And it absolutely isn’t your fault that he did such disgusting things to you and your kids.

      Refusing to let you go out is also classic abuse – they like to keep us isolated from friends and family so that we feel we have nowhere to go. You think that is going to be obvious and that you will notice, but my ex did it so slowly I hardly noticed. If he goes out drinking often, and you are seldom allowed out then that is a big red flag that he is abusive.

      I spent years in my relationship working out what I had done wrong. The answer was nothing. In a normal relationship of course it is healthy to look at your behaviour see if you are inadvertently hurting your partner, but in an abusive relationship it’s really unhelpful. Abusers use our introspection to take focus off themselves and make us feel guilty. And the guilt is a part of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that keep us trapped in abusive relationships. If we think we are the problem we are not going to leave. We are not the problem. We just need to stop looking at our own behaviour and start looking at theirs. My ex’s behaviour was inexcusable. Your abuser’s behaviour is inexcusable. That’s all there is to it. Don’t accept the blame.

    • #58343
      Chickadee
      Participant

      Your Welcome!

      “…..I tried to express how I felt it blew up
      he never would admit he was wrong it was always me. Maybe I should not have blown up maybe I should have just said nothing?”

      Difficulty expressing feelings, suppressed feelings, (emotional control/abuse), he never admits wrong, your always at fault, to blame.
      Questioning yourself.
      (This is all part of the controlled and walking on egg shells). The lies/twists are the control as well.

      The self-centered, cheating, name calling (s**t mum), destroying your property, desicrating,(knowing he has done something very wrong, so to try to obscure himself from it (makes it all your fault, you made me mad).

      I get the confusion and going back and forth, with all this, it is because of the twists he does and the control.

      I know you are, I’ve been there!

      I hope this helps you! Here when you need me. Hugs.

      Chickadee

    • #58346

      Thank you all again for your replies. I’ve been here before in this horrible place but I don’t feel strong enough this time. Just proves the more u go back the harder it is to let go. He’s saying I’m a freak and that if I keep playin games he will do the same. Said he’s guna meet someone then record the noises she makes then send them to me! How sick is that. I’m not playing at games with him he just does not want to admit the truth. Do you think they actually believe they have done no wrong or do they know? It’s like screaming at a brick wall

    • #58355
      Chickadee
      Participant

      Your Welcome.

      Feeling loss of strength is the control and the abuser breaking you down. I get it!

      He is trying to put you at fault while justifying his game play. This is another form of manipulation and entitlement.

      It is very sick and unhealthy and abnormal. Someone that cares about humans does not behave that way. My husband was trying to make it seem like I was cheating and called the hotel all night I was at telling me to stop it and that’s disgusting, and how could I. I can here the bed squeaking with the two of you on it. While I was away visiting my daughter because she needed help with something, he was the one doing what he was describing, with our other kids in the house with it.

      Whether they actually know or not is dependent on the actual flaw in their psychi or character.

      Yes, being with an abuser is one-sided, everything is always about them, even when theremask is on and they are trying to pretend it is not for others. It is all their ill intent and harmful, con.

      You will begin to feel better when you begin to focus on you and stop analyzing him. Self Love and Inner Strength.

      Hugs!

      Chickadee

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