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    • #82305
      Blossoms
      Participant

      Hi
      I’m new on here and looking for some advice. I’ve been told by close friends that my husband is emotionally abusive although I have been in denial for so long and still struggle to see myself as an abused person. On the most part we make a great team but he has a very insecure side and doesn’t like it when I do things outwith the family. He’s called me names in the past but mostly I’m made to feel selfish and negative. I’ve found this forum so helpful and have friends support in trying to leave but I just can’t seem to muster the courage to end it. I’ve told him I want to seperate but we haven’t told the kids yet and part of me knows once we do there is no going back. I’ve been with him for years and I do love him but his insecurities and behaviour have drained me although he thinks I need to grow up and realise marriage isnt a movie. He’s said separation will destroy the kids and I juts don’t want to ruin them. We are a tight family and they are settled it’s just this side of him I can’t deal with and I live on hope it’ll work out I stay but it’s a cycle of good, bad repeat. He’s not emotionally supportive when I need it at times when I suffered loss or had family issues. Why do I not have the courage to make it final. Wit final? Will my life really be better off as I need to start from scratch to rebuild my life. He’s a good dad and financially stable but I’m not in the same position. I don’t want to hurt the kids.

    • #82319
      KIP.
      Participant

      What you describe isn’t insecure it controlling. The fact he’s emotionally blackmailing you by using the kids already just shows he’s not a good father. Children are resilient and there is no reason why they wouldn’t thrive with two happy parents who live separately. The trouble comes when leaving an abuser and you’re right to be extremely apprehensive. It’s the most dangerous time for a woman. Get on touch with women’s aid and plan a safe exit. Get as much information as you can about your legal rights. Don’t expect him to be reasonable. The behaviour he exhibited in the marriage will get much worse with separation so protect yourself. Women’s aid are the way forward. Get all your ducks in a row first. Financially, housing etc

    • #82320
      KIP.
      Participant

      Abusers trap us in a FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt. They’re great at manipulation. If it wasn’t for this manipulation and guilt tripping would you stay?

      • #82346
        Blossoms
        Participant

        Part of me wants it to work so badly but another part knows things aren’t the way it should be. My problem is I feel everything gets turned around to me and I feel its me. We have very differnt personalities and balance each other out but not in times of tensions, we see things very differently. My problem is I think one way then doubt myself once he has his say. I’m very confused and feel I can’t see things clearly.

    • #82352
      Bluegem
      Participant

      I know exactly what that feels like, when you doubt yourself when he has his say. In a healthy relationship you are equals. Your opinions should matter and you should be listened to. It sounds like he is messing with your head which can drive you crazy eventually. I agree with KIP that he is using the children into guilt tripping you into staying. Everything you say sounds like emotional abuse and it does get a lot worse. I left my first husband when my children were (detail removed by moderator) (he was threatening that if I didn’t have sex with him he would have sex with our (detail removed by moderator) daughter when I was at work). That was back in the early 70s when it was shameful to leave a marriage. But I did and never looked back. It’s not easy but it’s a lot easier than living with an abusive man. In my case I went into 3 more abusive relationships before counselling taught me why I was in this pattern (my abusive childhood). Maybe if my own mother had left my father the whole cycle of generations of abuse would have been avoided. Nobody can tell you what to do but hopefully this site can help show you what is going on in your marriage. Good luck.

      • #82353
        Blossoms
        Participant

        Thank you bluegem. I do stick up for myself but as soon as he has his say and sees things differently, I internalise then self doubt and blame. This has led to me not being able to see things clearly or be in touch with my emotions. I never pin pointed it as emotional abuse, until I looked into it this year. It was a hard thing to come to terms with. I still struggle. I find it hard to see him in that light, even though at times he’s made things so hard for me. Like I say I know his good side, wish that was his only side. He thinks I overreact and put others before my our family, I get silent treatment although he sees it as just an argument but it affexts me now more than it used to. I just can’t imagine life without him, which others will find hard to understand. I recently read up on trauma bonding and that made sense to me. Ive come this far in voicing about separation and he’s being amicable and practical so far, but saying this will destroy the kids makes me feel selfish. He wants us to try counselling but I don’t know if it will make any difference as this has gone on so long.

    • #82356
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s not selfish to want a happy home life for you and your children. Children are very much impacted by what they see around them. They should see a happy confident carefree mum who spends time mentally and physically engaged with them. Your mind is taken up so much by the abuse that it leaves little headspace for the good connections you should be making. Yes, my ex was all amicable to my face. Behind my back he was stealing thousands, emptying the joint account and cheating on me. That still wasn’t enough. When I wouldn’t change my mind the abuse escalated to the point of physical assault. Police and court followed. The bottom line is you’re desperately unhappy. Mental health deteriorates. WA do not recommend joint counselling. He will simply twist everything there. Try to find some domestic abuse counselling on your own and lean on your local women’s aid x he’s not going to change. Google the cycle of abuse and see if that fits x cognitive dissonance, plausible deniability, gas lighting and love bombing x

    • #82357
      Blossoms
      Participant

      Thanks KIP. Having advice from survivors really helps. I’ve normalised or dismissed certain behaviours over the years. Now I’m at the final hurdle it just seems so hard to make it final. We get on mostly and have a tight family unit. We never argue in front of the kid and like I said issues are when I’m socialising, he doesn’t stop me but I’m so tuned into the atmosphere or vibes he gives off. I just hate the thought of it being over and can’t shake the thought that we can make it work. But I just don’t have the energy as I’ve been here before, in terms of working at it. I have anxiety when friends ask me to do things.

    • #82359
      Mimosa
      Participant

      Hi Blossoms

      There is no shame in being an abused person, or as we say on here ‘a survivor’!! The only shame is on him for perpetrating this, and for you and your children missing out on a more decent and happier existence.

      You are surviving a horrible situation every day and supporting your children and no doubt wearing a mask to the world because you have to pretend everything is great! I did it for over two decades. It gets worse and harder to wear the mask. It will increasingly impact on your physical health and your psychological well-being. But you will recover if you can get out and the same is true for your children. You cannot protect them 100% from this, however hard you try as they are being exposed to unhealthy relationship models and behaviours in some way every day, especially if you have to do everything as a family unit and not spend time with other people through being isolated.

      Keep safe please, now you have this new awareness this is a really dangerous time because he will sense a change in you unless you can keep it really well hidden and do all your usual behaviours.

      This sounds like my life. Blame you, minimise what he did, deny he even did it anyway! Mine wished my sick relatives would die, then they did and when I was distraught with grief, I should get over it because people die. No care, no understanding. He called me all sorts of names, mostly with b*tch and c*nt included. Made threats and used intimidatory violence, nothing that would leave a mark. But I thought I could manage it and that we should stay together for our children. It will have a detrimental impact on you and them. Things escalated and I kept drawing new boundaries. Then he hurt our child and that was the end point and I found the courage to end it, then he found a way back in. Then he did something that ended it for good and he was removed. I wish I had got out sooner and stayed out.

      It is really difficult to do this and excruciatingly painful and you will feel a million different things, but you are already strong and resilient and can dig a bit deeper to do this. But take your time and be prepared, get all the help you can from this forum and the helpline and do the Freedom Programme or get the book. It took me three years from when I first decided I had to get out to leaving him finally and he was so manipulative I had to do it more than once and be punished. Then he made it easier by doing something really horrible and I had all the assistance I could possibly need to get him out (saving Lisa an editing job there I hope!!).

      I used to read from ladies who are out on here and wish I had the secret power they had. I already had it and it is already inside of you. He has no right to treat you and your children like this. He has no ability to empathise and has a need to have everything be about him – his need is a black hole and you will never be able to fill it, even if you sacrifice yourself every day trying to meet it.

      There is life and light on the other side. Thinking of you.

      Much love
      Mimosa

    • #82360
      KIP.
      Participant

      Wow Mimosa. That was explained so well. It could have been my life. Decades of minimising and making excuses for his behaviour. Destroyed mental health. I’ve been several years dealing with the damage and have been told I may need therapy for the rest of my life. It’s so important to get out soon x

    • #82362
      Blossoms
      Participant

      Thank you Mimosa. I can relate to the mask wearing as I feel that’s what I do, and try to put everyone first so it hurts for him to see me as selfish. I suffered a few suicides in my family and got no support but I just put the mask on and dealt with it best I could. He’s apologised for this but I’m accused of bringing up the past when I relate this to current triggers when he’s emotionally unavailable.

      I guess I just like to see the best in people to a point with my husband I’ve cancelled out the bad. I struggle to think he means to make me feel this way, he’s said we both have faults but he wouldn’t change me. But I can’t measure up to who he wants me to be as I’m a social person who is family oriented. I’m no angel I know but I’ve never hurt him in ways hes hurt me over the years. He’s never violent I’d say more moody when he’s not happy and I tune into it.

      My kids adore him and like I’ve said there is a side I still love, but I understand this is what is mentally draining me. I have family support and a place to go, close supportive friends so I know I’m luckier than most. I get angry at myself for walking away but equally angry for being in this position in the first place.

      I can only hope I am making the right decision. Despite feeling im the one giving up but we’ve been together for two decades also. My worry is the kids and it kills me to think we need to share Christmas etc as I’ve never really been away from them. I have a very negative mindset just now and hope there will be light once all has been said and the kids are told. Thanks again for your kind words x

    • #82363
      KIP.
      Participant

      Your negative mind set comes from the predicament he has placed you in. Lots of couples separate and the children thrive with love and kindness separately from both parents. You husband will always change the goal posts. Nothing you will ever do will match up to his expectations. This is because it’s not about expectations, it’s about him choosing to abuse you and disguising that abuse behind pathetic excuses. I spent decades trying to fix a problem that was never mine to fix. I was ok. I was fine. He was abusing me, belittling me, stealing my self esteem and confidence. Breaking my mental health and getting his power trip from it. He is not your responsibility. Partners should be there to see each other thrive. Any time I began to enjoy myself or find new pleasures or get on in my job, he would pull the rug from under me. (detail removed by moderator)

      • #82364
        Blossoms
        Participant

        Yes KIP you’re right. I guess I’m not fully there yet in accepting it can’t be fixed and it wasn’t my problem. I’m sure like many on here, I’ll become a survivor.

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