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I am in a relationship that has been violent. Out of the (detail removed by Moderator) we have been together, he has hurt me (detail removed by Moderator) times. The first (detail removed by Moderator) times were pushing me the floor and pinning me down, throwing me down the stairs and slamming a door on me. All of which left me bruised and hurt. The (detail removed by Moderator) time happened (detail removed by Moderator) ago, he punched me in the face. I was so shocked that I had a panic attack. Everytime he has hurt me he has been drunk, is this an excuse? I have left him for a few days to make sense of what’s going on. I have tried the soft approach, the tough love, the threats to leave. Nothing has worked. He is so close with his family I even debated telling his parents what’s been going on..I can’t call the police on him because it will jepodise his job. The police were called by a neighbour once and we were shouting and he told the policeman it was me and I was mental. The policeman saw through it but I didn’t press charges. He said he can talk his way out of anything. We are supposed to be getting married (detail removed by Moderator), I’ve never met someone I connect with so much. We literally want the same things in life which I’ve never found before. I want to help him. But I know the right thing to do would be to walk away. But I just can’t because of the future we planned together. Please may advice would help right now.
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My ex used to blame alcohol for his abusing me. The truth is that lots of people drink but don’t abuse. Don’t let him use this as an excuse. Or let yourself use it. He knows exactly what he is doing. Sadly abusers don’t change and the abuse gets worse. He is not your responsibility. He won’t change. Can you ring the helpline number on here or contact your local women’s aid. I felt the same way about my abuser. Thinking he was my soulmate but it was just a big act on his part. A mask he wore to reel me in. Love does not hurt us. Google ‘cycle of abuse’. Or read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. I think you should seriously think about ending this toxic abusive relationship safely while you can. Talking to his parents won’t do any good. You might find he did this to previous girlfriends. You can use Claire’s Law and ask the police if he has previous convictions.
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You know this is definitely not a good basis for marriage. It absolutely will get worse. I would urge you to leave. Forget about telling his family, concentrate on yourself. He already knows he can do this to you and continue a relationship with you. It’s not acceptable and I can’t say this enough. It will get worse. Can you make decisions when you’ve had a drink? I’m sure you can. I can. I’m pretty sure your decisions don’t involve violence.
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omg hun
do not marry this man, it will get worser, u clearly do not have same views as he is hurting u , yes the drink is an excuse, does he even apoligize ? These men know exactly what they are doing , i lived with an acholic, trust me once u are married he will feel u r trapped, i would expose him to the family , let them know what his son is doing, get help to leave this man and if u have to report him to police, he will think twice b4 hitting another lady, he may get away as most of these abusers do, but do your part, leave him and report him…. i just think of all the stuff my ex did to me, is vile man and glad i escaped
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I walked away from a planned wedding. I have no regrets. My life would have been hell with him and our common goals had already started to evaporate after I agreed to marry him. He’d promise he wanted things in our relationship and then deny it completely when I tried to move towards that goal. Don’t believe that he is on the same page as you. He will tell any lies necessary until he has you trapped in an emotional and legal nightmare.
Letting go of the dreams was hard. But they were just that, dreams. A man who will hit you when drunk, and won’t stop drinking will never give you your fairytale ending.
Also, I was amazed at how supportive everyone has been of me for walking away. I thought I would face ridicule and disbelief for leaving my fiancé, and especially as he was king of playing the victim that I would be cast as a villain for accepting his proposal and then leaving him. Instead everyone who I have told has congratulated me, and told me that I am strong and doing the right thing.
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Thank you for all your replies. I needed to hear these! It’s probably to broad a question to ask, but why do you think it is that these types of men will work so hard to lure you in, just to then abuse you? What do they get out of it? It’s so alien that anyone would do this to another human being. If they were nice, they would get a lot further in relationships and life etc.
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Hi Happyhappyme,
I agree with the others, things will only get worse if you marry him, and then you will be even more trapped. I wasn’t married to my ex nor did I have children with him and I’m grateful for this every day because it was hard enough to escape his clutches despite neither of these ties.
I have often asked myself the same question about why they work so hard to lure us in. My ex seemed really keen on me at first when I was not too bothered about him and more interested in someone else. He guilt tripped me, lied and gaslighted me and due to that and my loneliness I ‘gave him a chance.’ As soon as I started to like him, about a month in that very keen, meek and mild man had got cocky, arrogant and used to invite me round while he’d sit on the sofa and watch tv or be on his phone! Turned out he was cheating on me with god knows who. I believe they do it for power and control. They are not like normal humans and lack empathy, guilt and remorse. They are incapable of love and human connection and see life as a game and are all about power, control, dominance and winning at all costs. They gain a lot by reeling us in and abusing us (which controls us through fear and confusion) – a loving, caring, trusting partner who, because she thinks she is in a loving relationship, will give him sex, often money, maybe a house, does all his chores and raises his children while he does whatever he wants. I think my ex liked the idea of keeping me as a sort of domestic housewife and sex slave who would provide for him financially. I am so happy I figured him out and gave him the boot, it gives me great satisfaction knowing that I uncovered and scuppered his plans! I look forward to the day when all of these men are rumbled and can no longer trick any woman into this kind of miserable life.
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I was near always abused at the start through him being drunk, it then changed to when he was sober not physical but verbal and in front of my child. I tried everything ringing doctors got him mental health appointments and went with him. He went sober through AA for (detail removed by moderator), in the end nothing changed. If they have that in them then I truely belive there’s nothing you can do am affaid. (detail removed by moderator) before my wedding I had two black eyes I hide it and no-one knew. I don’t know how I hide it but I was on maternity leave and managed to hide out in my house. On my wedding day during my vows I couldn’t look him in the eyes. It’s doesn’t stop or change unfortunately as much as you want it too. Xx
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