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Hi,
I was in a relationship for over (detail removed by moderator)years and have been out of it for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years. We have 2 children.
Probably once a month he’d have what I now describe as a meltdown and have angry, scary behaviour rampaging about the house and maybe destroying/throw some property but usually just a Mug or phone or throwing the I-pad. He pressured me to have sex and sometimes drove recklessly in a way that scared me and refused to let me out. Everyone said he always put me down in front of them and in front of the children. There was one serious incident when he was off his head and chased me in the house and bashed the bedroom door of its hinges with a big piece of wood trying to get to me. Never hit me but threw things in my direction, tipped me off a bed. Didn’t try to control me in terms of friends or my money but wouldn’t spend his money on me or the children. Children didn’t see most of this behaviour (rare glimpses) but when we split up he sent verbally abusive messages and had some meltdowns in front of the children which scared them a lot. He ripped down my light shade from the ceiling in front of them and threw their possessions out of his window and chased me out of his house. Eventually I asked the police to have words of advice and it stopped.
It now transpires one of my children is autistic – he basically can’t accept this and says it’s my parenting that’s at fault (that’s why she has behaviour problems) and tells the children this. I believe he is autistic and unable to meet the emotional needs of the children and is emotionally abusive towards them as he makes remarks about me, my parenting, blames me for my child’s problems… all this is distressing for them. Plus I feel he’s still playing mind games with me via the children. But they have a bond and he can do other aspects of parenting well.
Why did it take me so long to see I was in an abusive relationship? Why I have I spent (detail removed by moderator) years allowing him lots of access to the children when they often come back upset to some degree? I now plan to go to court to ask for residency and contact (say once a week for a few hours) rather than him ‘caring’ for them for a weekend.
Is it because the abuse was relatively low level it’s taken me this Long? Everything was about him, his needs, his well-being… I lost myself and was an anxious broken mess by the end of it. Thank goodness I’m out. Just struggling with was it abuse sometimes? And how could I be that stupid – I’m clever and a great woman aren’t I? Thanks for reading x
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Nothing you’ve described in any way sounds “relatively low level” my love. Please believe yourself, this is abuse and what a horrible horrible man he sounds to be. If you think his abusive behaviour is affecting your children then definitely get advice. Speak to the helpline on this site or your local Women’s Aid charity. There are lots of different domestic abuse charities you can contact and they will support you through court etc.
The trap I fell into was the “he can do other aspects of parenting well” which may be true, but it’s not good enough and not what they need.
I hope posting on here helps you, and please don’t feel like you’re at fault or stupid in any way. I am educated to degree level with a senior job in my field, it’s nothing to do with your intelligence.
And finally, yes, you are great! x
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It took me (detail removed by moderator) years and I feel the same way!! I guess we adapt too there behavior and it becomes normalised but when you leave you sit there in disbelief at what we put up with!! And after a while it becomes alien to us xx your not alone and well done for leaving …onwards and upwards xx
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