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    • #81637
      BeautyMarked
      Participant

      So it’s all come to a head for the final time now. I’m such an idiot and am reeling from the hurt even worse than before. I have been shaking from shock and fear.

      I stupidly got in touch with his friend. I noticed she unblocked me so was curious as to why and saw it as one last chance to make amends. She was hostile but seemed to soften up after a while. She didn’t know whether he could read my heartfelt letter as it was too much, too painful.

      She said he was considering meeting but only to give me closure as he understood my need after the miscarriage and the cruel way he ghosted me. Then he changed his mind (familiar pattern of changing goalposts which I recognised straight away but did not heed).(detail removed by moderator). who told him not to contact me for his own sake and for the sake of the college as he was banned from certain premises. His friend said he wouldn’t meet me as he was worried about going against the advice – his Phd is too important to him and he is now trying to keep a low profile and get on with it.

      Naturally I wanted to try and do what I could to reassure him especially if it meant I could get closure. So, after talking this obstacle through with her, I drafted a letter that he and I could send to say that all had been resolved informally and that there was no fear of any formal action (to be sent after a meeting). I sent the draft to him (he has been absolutely no contact for 7 weeks) but was mistrustful so made sure I kept the draft in note form so that he couldn’t just print it out and claim I had sent it without there ever being a meeting. (detail removed by moderator)

      He absolutely went off on one and she forwarded me a text to tell me I had (detail removed by moderator) and that he would never meet me now as I had put (detail removed by moderator). I never requested a meeting but said several times that I would be prepared to discuss the reasons why I sought an informal solution. If I was the Dean I would want to make sure but they took my emphasis (I mentioned that I’d be happy to talk if it helped him decide 3 times). They both said it sounded like I was requesting a meeting. I couldn’t understand what I’d done wrong to be honest and tried to explain that’s not what I meant. He just exploded with rage from what I understand. I’m so hurt and confused. I genuinely don’t know what I did wrong.

      I feel set up to be honest as she was the one telling me that this was the barrier to a meeting so I did all these things and now he will claim I’ve harassed him. I sent him the heartfelt letter, I called him once and texted him once as she told me he hadn’t blocked me and (detail removed by moderator) as his friend said I should and then it blew up. She said she sucked as a peace maker.

      I told her I was done with the abuse. She doesn’t believe he abused me. (detail removed by moderator).  As though he’s trying to do me a favour now after all my practically begging attempts for closure especially for the miscarriage.

      I don’t know whether they are serious or trying to intimidate me. She’s told him to expect action and was trying to get specific details of the abuse I am alleging. I said I couldn’t give that out as it wouldn’t be wise. I did give her plenty of examples of abusive behaviour though but she minimised it all and asked me to give her evidence so that she could make a judgement about whether she should remain friends with him. I just said it was her call to make when the time comes for her. Things will come to light and she can decide but that I wasn’t going to give away details that would jeopardise. She went on about how she’s going to pass on all these details and I said that she shouldn’t as she would be compromising the complaint by prepping him and enabling him to smear my name and reputation and I had the right to be heard. She said that she won’t but obviously she can’t prove that. Luckily it’s all in writing. He does, however, know the things I am aggrieved about as it’s all in writing and will now have thinking time to hurt me. I’m not ashamed because I can back everything up with messages etc. I told her I had evidence and she just kept pushing me to tell her what it was. I didn’t.

      I worry I’ve compromised my complaint. It’s the only way I can get any kind of justice now. I’m in shock and disbelief over all of this or why he flipped out. I asked what he was afraid of and it seems he thought I would tell the Dean the entire story but I never said that, only that I would be prepared to discuss why I though informal resolution was best. I tried to reassure and say tell me what you want me to say then but that’s it, he’s done. He’s now the harassed victim in this and it SCARES me. I’m convinced now what this person is. He has massive problems yet I still feel responsible. I’m frightened and don’t know what to make of it all. I just want to complain and get justice but this has really made it messy. I messed up.

    • #81638
      KIP.
      Participant

      You’re still extremely vulnerable and your ex and his flying monkey are taking advantage of that vulnerability. I doubt very much he was ever going to meet you. It sounds like they both fed you lies and are desperate to find out what evidence you have. Do you have someone close or a therapist that can sit and write the letter of complaint. I would begin that you are very concerned this man is around vulnerable young people. Make your concern for others then write what he did to you and how it made you feel. At the very least it’s some kind of closure. He’s getting a third party to write to you so he can deny everything. Do not believe a word he says. What he did was wrong and abusive. Never doubt the truth. You lived through it and experienced it. Keep posting. We all mess up when we are abused but the most important thing is no experience is wasted if we learn from it x

    • #81640
      BeautyMarked
      Participant

      Thanks KIP. I appreciate your words. I agree, he was never going to meet me. They manipulated me again. I was too trusting. Surely they also have the evidence as it’s in text and voice messages. I’d be surprised if he hadn’t kept it. Not to mention the evidence of how I’ve been practically living at the doctor’s and have had special concessions made for me on my course as a result of the abuse. Thankfully when I went to my GP I suspected I was in an abusive situation and they noted it down. His friend just said it’s your perspective and that he’s not an abuser. She completely minimises what has happened. Instead she’s like it didn’t happen, I don’t believe you and show me the proof. I just told her there’s plenty, it’s hardly hidden. That’s what I can’t understand. They’ll be compiling something against me now. All twists and lies to smear me. Luckily I was referred to the ISVA and I’ve had so many GP appointments so at least I have a paper trail from when the whole thing kicked off. I can’t understand it. If he’s so worried about his academics, why would not he just take the meeting, pacify me and be done with it as was feared? Why force me to go down the formal route? He’s such a hot head and I wonder if he’s really thought it through. He could have had it easier and instead he chooses this. She just keeps tell me to let him move on, he wants no contact and he wants to get on with his life. They say it all the time so it looks like I’m the unreasonable one, but what about my life, my justice, my right to be heard, why should he carry on being praised as a brilliant academic teaching undergrads when he’s a horrific abuser and whilst my life is in tatters. I’m so tempted to send that letter to his mum. I know I’ll be in trouble but I just don’t care anymore.

    • #81678
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please don’t send anything else. Once you’ve made your formal complaint and it has been properly investigated, the truth will come out and everyone will how. He will be exposed. You need to take a step back and have patience. Nothing is going to happen quickly. Take your time and make your complaint. He won’t admit to anything. Abusers never do. My ex could easily have admitted, apologised and moved on. However he chose to deny, even when a judge convicted him, he still denied it. Don’t try to work out how these men think. I don’t think even they understand. Try zero contact from now on.

    • #81679
      BeautyMarked
      Participant

      Thank you. I just keep co tasting his friend. I shouldn’t especially now that she and he know I’m making a complaint. The problem is I don’t know it will be investigated as they tell me private relationships are beyond their remit. Even though they know I’m formally complaining I’m still begging for him to speak to me and acknowledge me and be friends if not anything else. It looks completely unhinges and I know they’ll twist it. Can anyone reassure me in this or whether this is explainable because the friend will be passing on all my begging messages about how I love him and am not ready to accept he’s abusive and that I’d do anything to fix things.

    • #81691
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      I was afraid this might be the result, darling.

      Can you find the strength to stop contacting his accomplice, do you think? I do consider you are probably undermining your own complaint with every message, even giving them evidence they can use for portraying you as obsessively harassing them.

      You were hoping for closure through knowing whether or not he cared about you: do you have any sense of closure from what has happened?

      We’re here for you regardless, lovely.

      Flower x

    • #81732
      blue eyes
      Participant

      The word Flowerchild has used, “accomplice” is just so apt. These people are totally evil. Do you know reading these posts just reinforce to me how sick the two people involved in my own story were too. It is really driving the point home to me how lucky I am to be out of that situation. I could not see this at the time at all. I was exactly like you Beauty. Its took me nearly two years to get near to this stage where I can see that. Please do not contact that woman any more, delete her number from your phone so you are not even tempted to contact her. She is not your friend, she has her own agenda. Make your official complaint if you want to but then have nothing to do with either of them ever again. They are both s**m sick in the head evil. You are worth more than them. One day you will thank your lucky stars they are not in your life. You have the opportunity to grow spiritually,live happily and well, something that these two I suspect will never have the morals or the emotional intelligence to do. They are quite frankly disgusting and I sincerely hope that karma gets them.

    • #81752
      blue eyes
      Participant

      I just wanted to add please don’t write to his mother. A previous ex from years ago was also very abusive to me and his mother was just as bad. They were like a tag team both bullying me and manipulating me. His mother and sister defended him, made me think I was horrible.I became very ill. Your ex’s mother may think and behave like him. Even if she doesn’t the chances are that she will never admit what he is like or what he has done is wrong. She could twist your words and make things worse. In one of your posts I remember you saying that he was in a mood and you asked what was wrong and he said he would talk about it upstairs. You didn’t go up because you saw something in his eyes, that was your gut instinct warning you. Remember how that felt in that moment, that was his true self peeping through.

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