Why do I chose to stay ?

[Carpediem]

I have been living with my fiancé since the beginning of lock down. I was working from home for the first few months and there were times when he would drink and get upset about me being on video calls with colleagues. As time passed he got more and more disruptive when I was attempting to work. I have since been made redundant due to the pandemic and dread the days he is not working. Even otherwise he does not like me speaking to friends and family either on the phone or in person. I get interrogated about who I spoke to for how long etc. My phone has to be on silent mode and out of sight when he is around. I can’t meet my male friends as he is so insecure. If I go somewhere I have to be back in time to pick him up from work or else all hell breaks loose. He is a highly functioning alcoholic with a nasty temper. I suspect he has undiagnosed NPD. I have tried to leave many times to go back to my own place but he always begs me to stay. The abuse is verbal and physical and I don’t like the person I am becoming. I can’t tell any friends and family about this as I know what they will say. I could go on and on. I am afraid if I leave he will drink himself to an early death. His family and friends most friends have given up on him. I am not sure what to do anymore…

[KIP.]

Please just leave when he’s out. He’s not your responsibility and you cannot help an alcoholic. That takes professional help and his willingness to do so. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. Many men are alcoholics but don’t abuse and control. That’s a choice he makes. His controlling behaviour and aggression are not because of an undiagnosed mental issue. It’s abusive controlling behaviour and you need to leave for you own sanity and well being.

[Anonymous]

My ex is an alcoholic, so I really get it. He and I split almost (detail removed by Moderator) years ago when I just couldn’t take it any longer. He was violent, aggressive, controlling, a n********t.

He’s had every opportunity to clean his act up. Only recently, he got kicked out of a charity facility which was helping him to get dry. In the end, I realised that he never wanted to give it up and didn’t think his behaviour was a problem

I couldn’t save him, but I saved myself. You can do that too.

[gettingtired]

Hi carpediem, like you my partner has a nasty temper, has an alcohol problem and I don’t like the person I am sometimes because of his abuse. I can be very irritable, snappy, negative argumentative etc with family. I’m only starting to realise it’s because of my unhappiness and lack of freedom I feel being with him.
I would urge you to get a plan in place and leave when he goes out to work. I’m not that far yet but it’s going to be trickier for me as mine doesn’t work and is always wherever I am (when I’m not worming) so please take that opportunity when you can. I know how horrible it is worrying about how they will cope (drinking too much etc) but at the end of the day our worrying isn’t going to stop their nasty behaviour. Maybe you leaving him might give him the push to sort out his alcoholism? Either way his alcohol abuse isn’t your fault or your responsibility. I know it’s hard but their abuse towards us won’t change xx

[Bettertimesahead]

My ex is also alcoholic. Since he left his drinking has escalated but he had been offered support,been in de tox and now still chooses drink. He accepts responsibility for nothing. expects everything handed to him. Initially I did feel guilty but now I have no regrets.I realise how much I put up with, how much I covered for him. Never again. We deserve more ladies

[Hawthorn]

My ex has an alcohol problem too, and like everything else it got worse during lockdown. There is nothing that you can do. It helped me to realise that by staying I was only supporting him in his addiction. His behaviour had no consequences. Talking to abusive men is like screaming into the void. Their words mean nothing: the insults and verbal abuse are not true, they only serve to demean and control you. The love-bombing and kind words mean nothing; they only serve to keep you in the relationship.

Men like this only understand action. Words mean nothing. Leaving (and staying gone) is the only thing that might get through to him. It’s highly unlikely but certainly by staying he has no motivation to change, whatever he might say.

Dont keep lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You dont deserve this abuse.x*x

[Same-again]

I thought the same about my ex-husband but it’s so true when people say the only person who can effect change is oneself.

Also, does he deserve your support? Your loving kindness? Most probably not. The abuse is nowt to do with the drinking, it’s a smokescreen.

So even if (big if) he stopped drinking you’ve still got an abusive toe rag to deal with..

We do deserve so much more… and while were using our energy on those lost causes we are depriving ourselves of joy and happiness.

xx

[Author]

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