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It’s a terrifying situation for you to be in. Please contact Women’s Aid or the Domestic Abuse team on 101. His behaviour is his responsibility, not yours.
It’s ok to rant and rage here. It’s ok to feel afraid.
Please reach out in real life for your own safety. Your safety right now is paramount.None of this is of your making. You’re a witness.
If you’re finding his parent’s behaviour threatening, please call police. It’s their job to keep us safe.
Your reaction is normal. Abusers don’t think in the same way as normal people.
Please call the police and let them know what you’ve posted here. Your life matters.
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Hi Courage,
Well done, you’ve absolutely done the right thing in order to protect yourself and take back control. He has had plenty of chances to behave himself and comply with the law but has chosen not to.
The guilt stems from the fact that we are empathetic women. The trouble is, empaths also feel sorry for the people who have hurt them, so although being empathetic is a beautiful thing it can also be a curse.
When a relationship becomes so abusive that it leads to bail conditions and Non Mol Orders etc it leaves us with so many mixed emotions from disbelief that a relationship that was once good has come to this, sadness, loss of hope for a future together, anger, pity, frustration at him for just not complying with the order, realisation that things are really this bad.
With abusers, they think differently. They have no respect for what we want or wish for. They have no respect for the law. No one is going to tell them what to do or what not to do, so they continue to choose to do things that ultimately, don’t end up well.
I guess you didn’t really want the end of your relationship to come to this at all? None of us do. Once we decide we want out of the relationship we just want out. We want them to leave us alone and move on. When they won’t leave us alone and respect our wishes we have to make ourselves clear and set new boundaries. We have to be firm and consistent and determined with what we want, otherwise they just wear us down time and time again and we take them back. If he’s been able to wear you down before and you have taken him back then this time he’s just got to try that bit harder to wear you down. He sees the bail conditions as an obstacle to overcome to wear you down. He sees the Non Mol Order as another one. He refuses to accept your decision and even though he’s now in the cells, he’ll probably think that he can still do what HE wants when he gets out.
If your guilt turns in to pity and feeling sorry for him and you engage with him again after this then he will gloat – he will have got his own way. He’ll be thinking “FINALLY! It’s taken all of this for her to speak to me again and I can start worming my way back in.”
You need to seek out your ‘FINALLY’. If he does get remanded in custody or get a short prison sentence, then hopefully it will start to sink in that you really don’t want him in your life any more. With him locked up for a while you can think “FINALLY! He’s locked up, surely he’s got the message now!”
Stay strong and courageous. You can’t change your feelings of guilt, but don’t let him or his family know you have them or they will work on you to change your mind about proceedings.
I can understand why his parents are angry. He is their son. They are probably in denial of how bad he is and are looking for excuses for his actions rather than have to accept what he is. They are probably angry with him but rather than direct their anger at him and face reality, it’s easier to direct the anger to the person who took the order out that he has now breached and got arrested for. It’s easier to accept that if the order didn’t exist then his actions wouldn’t have led to an arrest.
When I was going through my separation with my ex and things were really bad his parents took his side too. His mum told me I was too emotional and lots of other things to try and excuse her son’s behaviour. However, as time went on she did see what he was like and in the end she accepted that the blame didn’t all lie with me. Over the years she has supported me so much and helped out with her grandson to help me out and we are now very close.
Your ex may be putting an act on of being a scared little boy, but he’s not really that scared at all. If he was, he wouldn’t have breached the order. In order to destroy us abusers will often destroy themselves too in the process.
I think you have done a really difficult thing here and you have followed it through and reported him. Respect to you. xx
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Hi Courage
I completely get it. We have loyalty to those we love, and this feels so disloyal, and guilt inducing. I think thats normal, I certainly felt it, and I’ve heard it so many times on here.
There comes a turning point doesn’t there, where you can see clearly what he’s done is wrong, and in my experience you start out just wanting it to stop, but it can take so much longer to dawn upon you that its simply not going to, it will never stop, but the first reaction is to just make it stop, and guilt for the betrayal you feel you have dealt him.
Keep uppermost in your mind, that criminal acts come with consequences, simple as. He’s been ‘getting away’ with his crimes until now. He could have stopped, he could have been horrified at his actions, and taken himself away from you, to protect you, but he never protected you, he exposed you to more harm.
Its for the courts of our country to decide what will become of him, and thats down to him, not you. Its part of recognising the difference between his responsibility and your own, and yours is to keep yourself safe. Its too late now, him crying, I can bet you have given him chance after chance to redeem himself and he continued his abuses, because he didn’t care. Now you have to not care, or spiral downwards with him, distance yourself and keep yourself emotionally safe from his spiralling, please don’t add this to the list of harms he’s done you. He needs to see you have stepped back and he can turn to his parents who support him in his abuses. They won’t be proud, but are fighting public shameI expect and need to deny it, again, for their own benefit, to help themselves.
take heart and wishing you all the courage you need to face this
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you all for each of the replies. They were so insightful and really helped.
After the previous arrest he (detail removed by Moderator). yet he’s broken it every day since and it’s got worse and worse.
Finally arrested (detail removed by Moderator) (after a lot of police failings)
I can’t stop crying. Why did he have to do this to himself? He’s ruined his life.
He had so many chances to stop.
And I’m sad because I love him. I wanted to be with him but he made it impossible.
The stalking and harassment has just been the worst of all abuse I’ve ever suffered.
Eurgh
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Hello @courage
Thank you for updating us, so relieved he has been arrested so that you are safe.
You are so right, he has done this to himself. You have shown such courage to stand up for yourself and your safety.
Sending love xx -
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Hi Courage,
You’ve hit the nail on the head. He’s made the relationship with you impossible, and also, very frightening. He’s dangerous. He’s one of those men who in order to ruin your life he’ll ruin his own. He feels he’s nothing left to lose.
Has he been remanded in custody? If the police have remanded him that’s good. Sadly, if the court release him on court bail that is out of the hands of the police, but it’s not a good result. He’s had too many chances given by the authorities, this man needs remanding in prison until the hearing. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the authorities do not fail you now. Whatever the outcome of him, it is all his own fault. Keep on doing what you have to do to have a safe future. Engage with the authorities, make statements, report breaches. They are your life lines for a safer future.
xx
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