Why do I feel like this?

[TrappedButterfly]

Please don’t judge.

After a lovely day together with him and our baby girl recently, I was ready to go back. I mentioned a day that I would be back by however I backed out and ignored him. I feel so bad as I know it’s wrong, I feel like I am leading him on. But it’s because I’m so torn. Part of me still loves him so much, however I can’t forget all those things he has said and done to me. I’m a mess.

I know I have done the right thing staying away, however I now learnt he is already seeing someone else and it’s killing me.

We have yet to even speak about a divorce. It has not been that long since I left, I thought we were still talking things through. I know I kept stalling. But why not tell me that he’s done waiting and that he’s moving on?

Why do I feel the way I do? I hate this. When I think I can’t feel much worse, this happens. I’m devastated 😞

[Wants To Help]

Hi Trapped Butterfly,

The fact that you are staying in contact with him is not helping you at all. Days like that, where you are happily co-parenting with him for the sake of your child are making you question your decision about leaving him. You are now in the fantasy world of believing he could be like this all the time. I bet he was on his best behaviour that day wasn’t he?

It almost worked, you almost went back, but something stopped you. Deep down inside you knew it would be a mistake to go back so you didn’t.

The learning that he is now seeing someone else is the issue. It’s the human nature response of a fear of losing him to someone else and the ‘what ifs’ that come with it.

What if she gets the ‘wonderful’ man that I wanted him to be?
What if I’ve made a mistake but it’s too late to get him back because he’s moved on?
What if he wasn’t that bad after all? (He can’t have been if someone else wants him!)
What if I never meet someone else? (Being with him is better than being alone.)

How did you find out about this other woman?

Abusers move on very quickly. They need someone to fill a gap in their life that has been created by us leaving them. This new woman is there to serve a purpose. She may not know that at this time, but if he is wanting you back then she is clearly easily disposable. I’ll bet she doesn’t know that, he’ll be leading her on with all of the love bombing tactics to keep her on side for now.

You are never going to break free of him while you maintain contact with him. You have left him because he is abusive, not because you ‘sort of grew apart’ or ‘stopped making an effort with each other’. The latter relationships are ones where people may try again, but that’s because they broke up for reasons other than abuse.

If he was really serious that he’d moved on and that this new woman was who he wanted to be with then he’d be happy to sort out the divorce and to let you know he’d moved on. He’s just using her to get a reaction from you, it’s a ploy to make you ‘get your act together and go back to him before it’s too late’.

Only you can really make the decision about what you want to do. I can tell you from experience that this was exactly the situation I was faced with, and due to all the ‘what ifs’ I’ve listed above I went all out to get him back. He dumped his new woman straight away and moved back in with me. What a mistake that was. Over time the abuse got worse and leaving him for good got a lot more complicated and very expensive. Back then I didn’t know what I know now. I had no idea about triangulation, trauma bonding, my own insecurities and fears of being alone, there were no forums like this to help me.

Trust your gut trapped butterfly, despite what your heart and head may be telling you, your gut is right.

You really need to reduce your contact with him to as little as possible, and no more ‘family days out’! That’s where he’ll be ‘peacocking’ (showing you how wonderful he is!)

xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi TrappedButterfly

Not judging. No judgement here. You had strong feelings for someone that abused you. The promises that it might have all stopped and you could be a happy family really, are so persuasive, and you have not get recovered from the emotional side, this is why you feel this pull, plus a baby.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, this stuff takes time to heal from, and fully break away from. I’m sorry he hurt you so badly after it looking like he was wanting to be back together, I can’t imagine what a kick in the teeth it was to discover his cheating like this.

I am sorry you had to see that too, just another layer of hurt, but it does at least show you who he really is, no matter what he says, its what he does that matters. Words are cheap, whats he’s done is horrific treatment of someone he’s supposed to love.

Stay strong, you can do this, don’t judge yourself harshly and do keep talking here and building up your strength and supports.

warmest wishes

ts

[Pinkvelvet]

Hello lovely, don’t worry you’re not alone feeling this way. I recently learned that my ex was seeing someone new, and even saw him one day leaving the estate she (I assume) lives on, which was a really wild coincidence. If I’m really honest with myself, it made me feel jealous and upset that he’d found someone new whilst I’m still trying to process everything that happened and feel in no way ready to meet someone new and move on. All my friends are settling down which makes it 10x harder in feeling alone and battling feelings of wanting to go back too. I even, ashamedly, drove to the estate and had a little look around for his car on my way to the supermarket one day. God knows why, other than to torment myself further.

But then I remembered a few days before seeing him pulling out of that estate, that he’d been begging for me to go back to him. And I felt frightened by the conversation. The fear set in and all I wanted to do was run and hide. Yet a few days later, I’d forgotten how that conversation made me feel and my mind had replaced those feelings with jealously and panic. The fear of being with him was now the fear of being alone, forgotten. And that’s really what’s going on. The fear of making the wrong choice and no longer having the ‘option’ to go back.

But it is the right choice. Being alone, even watching him move on, is far far better than being tormented to the point of insanity. To the point of breaking down and hysterically crying into the bathroom carpet until my stomach hurts and my eyes feel wrinkled and chapped. Feeling so hopeless and afraid, the only true alone time for myself was being in the shower for those 15 minutes of peace and to process the agony of the abuse. Having to ‘pep talk’ myself and build myself up so I could handle the walking on eggshells and the anger and fear that I knew would be coming my way at some point in the day.

What reward is there in building a life with someone whose purpose is to bring yours down. There’ll always be the good memories of course. And it is in a way a kind of unrequited love that doesn’t provide all the answers and the closure you may want, but at some point enough has to be enough. The pain you feel now will be lesser than the pain you would feel going back and staying. And although it’s impossible to imagine now, your happiness and creating a life of pain-free love is the goal here, and it is achievable but not if he’s still able to tear down what you’re building for yourself and your future.

And at the end of the day, and after thinking about it, I felt really sad for her. Really sad knowing what’s yet to come although, realistically, it won’t last because it’s clearly a rebound and/or a manipulation tactic in both our cases.

Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re doing amazingly well and every single one of us I’m sure goes through these rotten and confusing feelings. Sending love x

[Bee1]

It’s hard to take the damage that can still run on even after you’ve left. I wager the new woman is a mere emergency binge to feed the dented ego and try to cover up reality.
Remember love does not feel like this.
Acceptance is important.
It hurts so much because it’s wrong with this person, for whatever reasons they may have that underpins their behaviour. I tried to unravel my ex’s psychology/alcoholism for years with him to try and help us. Millions of hours talking and talking .
Never enough…never is, so I’m outta there! Before it nearly killed me.

Take your time hun, as muuuuuch as you need to heal. Be as kind to YOU as possible.
Wishing you strength, peace and that harmony is waiting for you, a little further down this road 💓 keep going.

[Ariadne]

Hello TrappedButterfly,

There is no judgement here. I am in a similar situation/feeling, as I have felt many times that I am leading my ex on when I continue contact, cave to any of his advances, and then feel like I’m backtracking because I don’t fully trust him. This is a process, and apparently many people can’t help going back, also led on by the hope of better days and the desire to make it work. So don’t put yourself down because of that. It’s natural. But also trust in yourself, and make sure you have what you need to make an informed decision.

Take care xx

[Author]

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